Thursday, January 28, 2010


I've been on the verge of tears all day today and I haven't really been sure why....and then, while cleaning my hit me.  I'M SCARED.  TERRIFIED.  PETRIFIED.

This real estate thing is so different for me.  And I'm scared.  And right now, that is paralyzing me with fear.  I can't make up my mind.  For me, it would honestly be easier for someone to say to me "Kristen, you are to become a real estate agent".  That is your purpose in life.

I'm also terrified of the concept of adding a new baby to the family. 

So, in summary, right now, life is scaring the CRAP out of me.

Yeah, fun.


Today, I am questioning EVERYTHING....all the little decisions I thought I'd made in the past few weeks.

I recently made the decision to get my real estate license......and now I'm questioning that.  John brought up an "issue" today....the car.  We have two cars...both with two car seats.  That means in the mini van with the carseats in the middle row...if I don't have the back seat up...I have room for one.  If I put the backseat up then people would have to crawl thru the middle row to get to the back.  I guess what I' trying to say is, we don't have cars conducive to transporting people.  And we can't afford to buy a new car (nor do I think we need three cars).

Yesterday I told my mom what I was planning on doing....she was less than supportive.  Thanks mom.  Yes, I know that I might have to give up nights and weekends.....but her idea?  Why don't I find a job with a CPA during tax season....yeah, cause that's something that would make me happy and I wouldn't have to put in a sh!t load of hours doing that.  Sorry mom.....

And to be honest, I don't know HOW I feel about working nights and weekends.   Maybe I should just suck it up and get a 9 to 5 job.  Frick..........I just don't know.

Yesterday morning I had a BAD BAD BAD mommy morning.  I completely lost it with Ava....over her coat i think.....I I blew my stack again.  Ava was crying, I was crying, Grace was crying.   And all I thought was...."Am I really considering adding another child to this disaster"?  What the HELL am I thinking?

I've been out of work for 11 weeks....and I hate it and love it.  I hate being alone all day....I feel quilty for bringing the girls to school...I should be keeping them out with me (tho that's counter productive to looking for a job).  I love that I am not going to a job that I hate.  UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH.

So, for now...I'm questioning all my decisions.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Thursday, January 21, 2010


I've been thinking about several things lately.

John and I went to the Musuem of Art in Philly on Monday.  I felt a tad bit quilty about leaving the girls in daycare but John and I don't have the opportunity to get out alone often so...since I was paying for daycare, might as well keep them in daycare.  After walking around some looking at the beautiful art (tho I have to admit, I don't "get" modern girls can produce "art" that looks like what is being displayed)...we, well, I, turned to the topic that's been on my mind.......the baby topic.

i won't bore you with the details....we went back and forth...discussed our fears.....and I THINK we have decided to have another baby.  Now.....sshhhhh...don't go blabbing this around...please.  We haven't told anyone......and I know alot of people are going to think I'm nuts....especially after my last post. 

Don't get me wrong.....I know it will be a challenge and I am at times, terrified of this decision......but my gut tells me that my family isn't complete.

Now.....unfortunately, this isn't going to be easy.  It's not like I make a decision to get pregant and "poof" get pregnant.  I will need to go back to my reproductive endocronologist (sp?).  I will most likely need IVF.  And John wants to wait until I have a job to even start.  That part doesn't make sense to me.  Why not start now?, while I don't have a job and don't have to worry about being late for work and taking time off for procedures.  But....we'll see....we need to discuss some more.

The other thing I'm seriously thinking about it getting my real estate license.  I met with the mother of a Facebook friend yesterday...she is a high profile real estate agent in the area.  She was so encouraging to me...  Even if I decide NOT to do it full have it under my belt can't hurt can it?  And John has been really encouraging as well.  He really believes I'd be really good at real estate and that it would make me happy.  It brings together my love of houses (if you don't know....I LOVE LOVE LOVE looking at house plans), interior decorating, and ya know, I've watched so much HGTV (House Hunters, Designed to Sell, Property Virgins) that I'm practically an expert.

So, again...please keep the first thing a secret and wish me luck on both!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Mish Mosh

I have alot of stuff rambling thru my brain right now...hence the title of my blog "Ramblings of a Stressed out Mom".

Let's see if I can make any sense of any of this.

I'm very upset with myself still from last Saturday.  What happened, you ask....well...Ava.....she was over-tired, cranky and just......ugh.  I punished her for some reason, sent her to her room...where she refused to stay.  I started yelling and I just couldn't stop.  I finally had to get John involved but she was hysterical, I was hysterical......I needed to get away.  I felt like running away.  Then I went downstairs and cried...and cried, and cried some more.  I was beyond hysterical.  Even now writing this, I'm so upset and disappointned with myself.  Whatever Ava did or didn't do...she didn't deserve that treatment from me.  It's dispicable.  It makes me feel sick.  Shouldn't I be able to control myself with a three year old?

It's just that Ava is testing my patience at all levels.  On a daily basis she is beligerant, hitting, pitching fits...etc.  She looses TV almost daily....which doesn't seem fair to Grace in the least bit...who has been great lately.

This then leads to the pang I'm feeling in my heart again about having another baby.  After last Saturday I was ready to get rid of all the baby stuff in the basement because there was no way I could parent another child after my behavior with Ava.

Why can't I find the patience to deal with children?  I feel like such a failure at times it's not even funny.  (Crap, now I have tears coming out).

My girls aren't bad at all.  They are five and three and for the most part behaving like children their age.  It's just sometimes I wish they could be better.  Believe me, I don't want Stepford children......but why can't I find the patience to deal with their "normal" behavior?

Part of me desperately wants another child.  Desperately.

I lost a baby.  Did you know that?  After a year of trying to get pregnant, we finally suceeded.  At our 20 week u/s (and the first we had had) I was more worried that the tech wouldn't be able to tell us the gender of the baby.  I never expected the news that we recieved.  I never expected to hear that my baby would never survive.  That it had a rare chromosonal abnormality and that my only logical option was to terminte.

However, if I look at it differently, if that hadn't happened, then maybe I never would have had Grace.  I love my Grace with all my heart and soul.  And maybe i never would have had Ava either...and while she is trying ever fiber of my being...I love her with all my heart and soul as well.

But part of me wants more.  I just don't think mentally I can do it.  It might just push me over the edge. 

However, I don't want any regrets in life as well.  I'm 39 and I can't get pg on my own.  Both Grace and Ava are IVF babies.  I don't want to be 45 and think "crap, I really should have had another".

But do I want to go thru IVF all over again?  And what if I go in for one more and come out with two or three?  UGH.

Plus the girls are finally at an age where I don't have to worry about feeding schedules, naps, diapers, formulas.  It makes going places easier.  Do I want to start over again?

I'm contemplating meds....but I really don't want to.  I feel I should be able to get thru this stress on my own.  Why can't God just grant me patience?  And why is the stress getting worse lately?  Is it b/c I'm jobless and just at a crossroads in my life and questioning my self esteem at the moment?

I don't know.

Friday, January 8, 2010


I know I said this post was going to be about friends but...I've been out of work for like 8 weeks now...with one

I hate finance....really hate finance...but it's all I've done for the past 10 years.  

So, what does one do?

How do you look for a new career when you have no idea what you want to be when you grow up? 

I went to career counselling at my MBA Alma Mater......and I took some personality tests (I scored an INFJ, very close to an ENFJ and either I or ENSJ).

I also took a Strong Interst Inventory Profile and I'm a SEA (social, enterprising, artistic).

What does that mean?  That means that I'm drawn to the following careers.....teaching, social sciences, human resources, health care administrator, social worker, photographer, designer.

Now...I have expressed interest in teaching...I LOVE photography and I love interior design.  However, I'm not good at the last two to make any sort of money out of it.  It's mostly a hobby.  Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be a photographer like McMamma and others but I'm not.  I have more luck than talent.

Teaching does interest me but I'm scared.  Yup...scared.....what if I don't like it?  What if I'm not good at it?  How do i get started?  What ages would I teach?  UGH......

Hubby told me this morning that I have to really make a concerted effort to find a career/job.  And he's right.  I can't sit around the house anymore.  I don't have Christmas as an excuse anymore.  I don't have anything as an excuse.  I'm going to have to take the girls out of daycare at some point too. do I look for a job?  And a career?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Stress, my four letter word

Believe me, I know that stress isn't a four letter word...but it is to me.  It consumes me really.  I stress about everything.  EVERYTHING.

If one of my girls has a loose BM...I stress over stomach issues.  God forbid they throw up.  I'm practically getting sick there as well.  I can't deal with that.  Heck, reading posts on Facebook today about vomit...and I'm feeling queasy.

I am stressing over the interview I just had.  I've been out of work for 8 weeks and part of me doesn't want to find a job.  Maybe because part of me, correction, most of me doesn't know what I want to be when I grow up.  The other part is terrified of change.  It stresses me out.  It paralyzes me.  Hell, I've been in a job/career with the same company (as I just interviewed with) for ten years hating almost every minute of it...because the thought of change paralyzes me.

I LOVE my children....absolutely ADORE them.  i really do.  But I can feel my blood pressure start to creep up when I get them home from daycare.  Isn't that pathetic?  I think it is.  I try to make dinner...while they beg me to snuggle with them.  Or I hear them fighting and I try not to yell but......ugh.

On top of this I have been stressing over wether to have another baby.  Part of me desperately wants to have another baby.  But then the girls start fighting or Ava won't go to bed without a fight or John and I start snipping at each other....and I think....."you think you are stressed now...what would happen if you had another baby?"  I think it might just kill me.  (Don't worry I know it won't but it might just push me over the edge).

My house stresses me.  I haven't un-decorated from Christmas yet and that stresses me.  The though of doing it stresses me (not really sure why).  If there are papers on the, not just one or two...but a bunch...I get stressed.  I stress easily.

I swear I'm a poster child for stress related heart disease.

I need to figure out how to chill out.  I really just don't know how.  I can't sit still for 5 minutes (ok, well sometimes i can).  I read a book yesterday......

Tomorrow's post?


Monday, January 4, 2010

Happy New Year

I'm going to try something new here......I'm going to try to blog something everyday. 

So, today I'm going to introduce myself.

I'm Kristen....and this year I'll be turning 40.

I am married to John...have been for almost 12 years.  We've known each other since HS.  It's not a perfect marriage.....we have our ups and downs...but we are working on it.

I have two little girls.  Grace is 5 and shares my birthday.  She was a week late and after 12 hours of non progressive labor, she was delivered via C-section on my the same hospital that I was born in.

Ava is 3 and a pistol.  She's like the last phrase in a Olivia book...."You really wear me out but I love you anyways".  That's what she does to me.  She wears me out.

I love my girls with my entire heart and soul....but they completely wear me out.  I feel stressed when I'm around them.  Their whining, fighting, constant demands...... Is that pathetic?

And on top of it all.....part of me wants another child.  Have I completely LOST MY MIND?

I was a full time working mom....and now.....well, I was laid off in November...from a good job...but a job that I've hated forever.....I worked for the same company for 10 years.

I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.  None, none what-so-ever.

So, I feel like I'm at a cross roads.

This year I want to use this blog to try to figure a number of things out. 

Will you help?