Thursday, September 30, 2010

Getting to know me

  • I'm almost 40 (GASP)
  • I look like I'm 32
  • I'm left handed
  • I married someone from my HS tho we didn't date in HS, in fact, I dated his best friend
  • I want a tattoo but I'm too chicken
  • I'm terrified of heights
  • I don't know what I want to be when I grow up
  • I miss my dad
  • I studied Political Science, History, and Russian Studies in college
  • I speak some Russian
  • I was once in a photo that was featured on the inside cover of a NJ publication
  • I've lived in Mobile, Alabama
  • I can't watch men shave on TV
  • I don't do throwing up (on TV or in person) well at all
  • I'm seeing a therapist
  • I try to be creative
  • I wish I were more creative
  • I love to read historical novels
  • I bite my nails and my daughter bites her nails
  • I'm very insecure
  • I want to have another baby
  • I'm not perfect
  • My marriage isn't perfect
  • My house isn't perfect
  • My children aren't perfect
  • I have smoked about one pack of cigarettes in my life
  • I dated someone who did drugs in college
  • I've messed up, a lot
  • I have an active real estate license
  • I've been to Greece
  • I hated Cancun
  • I secretly dream of moving to the mid West (not really sure why)
  • My mom and I talk on the phone several times a day
  • I played softball in grade school and HS
  • I love my children more than I can say.
  • I'm still pissed at my brother
  • I should probably get back to work
  • I don't drink much soda at all. 
  • I can't text to save my life
  • I LOVE Jon Bon Jovi

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Control Freak, OCD, nut name it

I have a feeling I'm a control freak.  Or I suffeer from OCD...or I'm just a certifiable nut job....and believe me, I mean these references to myself in the nicest way possible and I mean no disrespect to those out there who might actually suffer from any of these disorders.

So, you are now asking why I call myself such things.  Well....because something just  Not all the time......but sometimes.

For instance....hubby and I have a habbit of dumping EVERYTHING onto our kitchen countertops.  I mean EVERYTHING.....lunch boxes, papers, stuff, crap, you name it.   We don't have really any other spot for it.  And I can hadle it for a day or two.....but then  The other day hubby decided to finally cut up some fruit.  He put a cutting board down...right next to all the papers and crap that were spread out....and it just  I piled up all the papers and plopped them on the dining room table. Yes, I'd rather they be there then on my countertops.

Furthermore, I CANNOT STAND IT, when hubby takes meat out to defrost and leaves it (albeit on a plate) but on the side of the kitchen where the stove ISN'T.  Does that make sense.  In my mind, the meat should defrost on a plate on the stove.

The girls art bin was a's a rolling drawer thing with three drawers and it was a mess.  So, I rolled it into the kitchen and cleaned it out.  Hubby just looked at me.

The playroom stresses me out. 

I look at the weather forecast the night before and pick out the girls clothes before they go to bed. 

My house is by no means antiseptic clean and tidy.  I wish it were.  But it's not.  And for the most part that doesn't bother me.   It's just

This is the main reason why hubby is hesitant to give the green light on baby #3. 

So call me what you may...controll freak, OCD, nut job, certifiable.

Edited to add that I MUST make the beds in the morning.  It completely stresses me out to go upstairs and see that the beds aren't made.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Monday Mumblings

My precious kitty Smokey passed away this weekend.  He was about 17 years old.  My first "baby".  I will miss him terribly...tho I am happy to know he is resting peacefully now.

Came up with a brillant plan to put a door way into our attic in the garage at the top of the stairs on the second floor.  Can't wait to have that done.  Can't wait to see how long it will take.

My milk in my cereal tastes funny.

I don't want to be at work today.

I have 4 inch heels on today and I've forgotten how to walk in them.

Discussed the basement finishing this weekend.

Need new windows

If only money grew on trees.

Discussed the baby thing again.  No decision yet.

If a big decision is this difficult to make, does it mean it's not the right decision?

I look good today if I do say so myself.

My only quiet time this weekend was grocery shopping.

I need to clean

I can't find all of my Halloween decorations.

I actually told G this weekend "You don't have to love me, I'm your mother."

Have I mentioned that the milk in my cereal tastes funny?  Guess I won't be eating my cereal.

Today is a good day to go home and clean.

Or crawl back into bed and get some more sleep...except that I could never do that.

Tho it would be a good day to read a book.  What's a book?  I can't remember.  Oh wait, I read Chicka Chicka Boom Boom last night and If you give a pig a party.  Do they count?

Two more blog posts in the works but need to do some work.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Forgive and Forget

As you may recall, back on July 5 my brother send me a rather nasty, judgemental email...which completely crushed my spirit and pissed off hubby to no end.

I emailed him back the next day...proclaiming that I wasn't perfect as he makes his life out to be.....apologized for things I was in the wrong about and asked him to no stick his nose in business where it didn't belong.

I never heard from him.  I did hear thru my mom (after asking her) that my email to him pissed him off.  To which his wife asked him "What did you expect after your email to her?"

I emailed my brother several weeks ago...telling him that I needed to know if this was the end of our relationship....that he was my brother and I loved him.....but he needed to accept me and my family for what we are.  We aren't perfect.  We won't ever be...but we love each other.

I never heard back.  Turns out I had the wrong email.

I finally heard back from him yesterday.

This is his email:

"The point of my email was to clear the air and make for a better relationship, sometimes that requires a difficult discussion.  In no way did I intend to hurt you.  IN hindsight, some of my comments were judgemental and I should have kept them to myself but the majority of the issues directly affected our relationship as the impacted the quality of the time that we are together.  It is none of my businss to tell you how to parent your children or interact with your husband, but when your problems spill out into everything else, it makes it difficult to be around you.

I don't want this to go on any longer than you do and I hope that we can put this behind us and talk more honestly in a respectful way if things come up in the future".

So....what do you think?  It sort of sounds like an apology.  But now that I read it.....I still feel that his original email did more harm that good.  That he could have chosen a different venue to voice his concerns.

Hubby wants NOTHING to do with my brother or his wife any time soon.

I'm torn.  He's my family.  I don't want to abandon that.  But in some respect, I'm still hurt.   I think I'm also afraid that any time I see him that he will be critiquing my every move and silently making comments to himself.

I know that to forgive is divine...and I want to.......but do I let him know....that he needs to choose his methods more carefully.....because he almost ripped his family apart?  Or do I just keep it to myself...and try to move on?

And what do I do about hubby?  I don't want to disrespect him...but he doesn't feel that my brother made much of an effort at all.


Saturday, September 18, 2010


I have several posts in my head....the titles of which are written on a piece of paper.  Their titles are:

Control Freak
Forgive and Forget
Wasted Opportunities

I am too tired to write about them now.  I haven't slept well in the past few nights.  A was up crying until 10:45 last night.

Today was a busy day.  My friend Kelly came over to watch the girls around 10 so I could get my haircut and go to the warehouse store to replace the meat I lost when the freezer door didn't close all the way the other day.  After they left, I noticed that my Smokey Bear, my beloved cat of almost 17 years, isn't doing well.  He isn't walking well, he peed on the basement stairs.  I really thought today might be his last day with us.  I got upset...and started to cry.  G asked if Smokey was dying....what could I say?  I told her yes...he was.  I didn't think he'd die THIS minute but that we have to prepare ourselves that someday in the very near future, Smokey will die.  She started crying and I cried more. 

We had to leave to go to a birthday party.  A party I didn't want to go to.  A pool party on Sept 17.  Albeit, a heated pool but still.  I had made the decision that the girls weren't going to go in b/c G has a cold ( or allergies or something) but it was so hot there that I changed my mind.  There was also a moon bounce.  Needless to say, the girls had a BALL.

But I'm tired.  We got home, showered....and G and A are sleeping.  I've had my tea, I'm surfing the net, watching Art Wolfe Travels to the Edge.  I am getting ready for some ice cream and then possibly shower and then bed.

Tomorrow we are off to church..the girls to Sunday School and me to the staff the nursery.  We need to go to the library as well.

I need hubby to come home.  I'm tired.  VERY VERY VERY tired.

someday soon I will post on my other topics.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Why is this so hard?

I have baby on my brain again.  EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.

I's like an illness.  I held a 4 month old this weekend and ugh....I just want another one so badly.

And then things happen and I wonder if it's really a good idea.

Like...Friday night...we had movie night with the girls.  And we let them stay up was almost 9pm before they went to bed.  And they were tired.  And they whined.  And John got angry.  And G and A disintergrated into tears.  I think this goes back to managing expectations.  What should I expect from G and A at 9pm after a long day of kindergarten with no rest and A with no nap at daycare.  Maybe we need to pick shorter movies.  Personally, I don't think I should expect much from G & A at that time....but we did and it didn't end well.

Something happened last night too.....can't quiet remember....but every time me or hubby looses our temper with the makes me think that adding another baby to the mix isn't a good idea. 

And that makes me sad.  Very very sad. 

I want the decision made....either way...and i want it made now.  I'm tired of thinking about it.  If it's no...then it's no and we get rid of all the baby stuff in the basement and I move on.

If it's yes, then in two weeks I go back to IVF NJ and start the proceedure to do IVF. 

Why is it so hard?

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Managing expectations

I think hubby and I have a difficult time managing/controlling our expectations of G and A.  I mean...they are, after all, only almost 6 and almost 4......and for the most part they aren't really all that bad....but sometimes.they.just.push.all.of.our.buttons.

I'm not even sure that I can give any examples right now.

I mean, kids whine right?  Am I to expect that they won't?  Or that they will stop whining when I ask them not to?

However, when I ask G or A to get dressed, I do fully expect them too.  Same with brushing their teeth.

But many times I think we expect too much from them.  I think we forget they they get tired and hot just like we do....

This post is deteriorating...I had it written in my head days ago and now I've forgotten more of it.

But tell me, how do you manage your expectations of your children?

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Random thoughts

  • It's 8:53 on Thursday night
  • I'm sick and tired of having my period and bleeding for 5 days straight
  • Cramps SUCK!!!
  • I'm dealing with Grace going to kindergarten very well.  I cry every time I think about it (damn it...there I go again).
  • I want to have another baby
  • I emailed my brother and I haven't heard from him.  I'm not sure what that means.
  • Halloween costumes are outrageously expensive
  • I have ALMOST survived my first week of work
  • I almost quit my new job yesterday
  • I had a MAJOR meltdown last night...epic.....the girls put on a puppet show to try to cheer me up.
  • It's 9:05 and Grace is still up.
  • I am Uptight and I hate that about me
  • For some reason I'm watching Ella Enchanted
  • I need to do something different with my's not working for me any more.
  • Why am I watching Ella Enchanted?
  • I wish I weren't so uptight
  • Good night.