Monday Mumblings

Lots of random thoughts running thru my head today.  Feeling sad (maybe because of the weather, ugh, it's crappy out), feeling overwhelmed, out of sorts.

I'm not really sure why I'm feeling sad...maybe that's not the word.  I do feel like crying but I think I'm just really completely overwhelmed.

I've been out of work 4.5 months.  Other than getting my real estate license, I've done very little to find another job.  I hate finance, you all know that...but this real estate thing SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF ME.  Real estate is for the self confident.  I'm not.  I completely lack self confidence.  Someone I worked with once told me  that I was the least confident person they ever met.  Nice.  And this was from a friend. 

I went to an Open House yesterday...I was forewarned about the agent I was going to sit with.  He's cocky and arrogant.  But I did learn how NOT to do some things. 

I went into the office today.....to drop my picture off for my business cards.  I met with one owner, who I know and the office manager.  They both assured me it takes some time.  I have to be disciplined...and I'm not sure I am.  I did do some things from our home office this morning...but I need to come up with a contact list of people that I know and then send them some information.

I've gotten very complacent sitting around doing nothing for the past four months.  I try not to go out and shop because then I spend money.  I do feel guilty about keeping the girls in school while I've been home the whole time.  Like I said, other than getting my license I haven't done much to find another job.  I did meet with career counselors but...........I just haven't figured out what I want to do/be.  I had an interview with HR at a local Pharmaceutical company...thru a head hunter....but I haven't heard anything back from them.

John and I are doing well.  We really are.  We are going to meet with the IVF doctors in a few weeks b/c I'm 1/2 convinced that they will tell me that even with IVF....having another baby will be next to impossible...and while that will make me sad...I want to know now, rather that deciding 6 months to a year from now that I do want to have another one and not being able to have one.  We still haven't decided that we are going to go ahead with having another one but we want to know if it's even in the cards.

We are having a problem with water in the basement.  We have water backing up around the foundation and three companies have given us estimates of $12,000...HOLY CRAP!!!!!

We are having a water issue with our landscaping as well.  The retaining wall on the side of the house is bowing and seperating.........and well.....ugh.

There are things that we would like to do with the house...finish the basement, convert the attic, fix the deck, new windows......but now that I don't have a steady income................well, that's all on hold...and John is concerned that my frustration with the house will continue to grow...and that adding another family member will only exasperate that.

So..there you have it........my Monday Mumblings.

Was so hoping

But not very optimistic.

About what?

About maybe being pregnant on my own....

But I highly doubt it.

Why?

Because....I can feel myself loosing control of my temper.

Ava is pushing EVERY.SINGLE.BUTTON I have right now and has been since I picked her up and I'm starting to loose control.

I'm beginning to think I might need to take my doctor's suggestion to heart and maybe start anti-depressants during this time of my cycle.

But I really was hoping.....

That maybe

Just maybe

Nature would be kind to me.