I F'd up......

Let's just say 2010 has not been my year.  I've shared most of what has gone on with you but not all of it....and that's the way it's going to stay but.....I F'd up again yesterday.

I wrote an email to my friend T.  We've been friends since like...forever and well.  In this email...I bitched about my hubby.  I ranted about how he watched the Giants/Eagles game all day....about how I had to keep the girls away from him so they wouldn't bother him........about how he spent two hours working on something and didn't help me put the girls to bed.

Well, that bit my in the @ss.  T wrote back on our joint email account...and hubby opened up the email to see how T was doing and saw my rant.  He was LIVID, FURIOUS....screaming at me.  Told me he was sick and tired of me not giving him credit, that he doesn't trust me anymore.....that he's tired of me being miserable.

And you know what?  He's right.  I immediately left work so we could discuss this before we got the girls.  I apologized....I am sorry, I was sorry.  I'm sorry he read it.....I'm sorry I wrote it.

See, for some reason I tend to look at the negative side of things.  All I can see is the fact that he's home and couldn't make the beds or that the dishwasher is empty and there are dirty dishes sitting in the sink.

I forget to see that while he was watching the game, he was in fact, doing the laundry.  Or that he cleans the cats litter box out and takes the trash out.  I forgot those things.

I did tell him that I appreciated him taking the time to print the pictures out the right way...and making sure that they looked nice....but then I turned and bitched to T that he didn't help me put the girls to bed.  That wasn't fair.

I take my husband for granted and for that I'm sorry.  I take my life for granted.  And for that I'm sorry.

I have this undefinable idea of how my life should be and when it falls short....I get upset.  The important word there is undefinable.  I can't put into words how I think my house should be or my life should be.

But I'm tired of living my life like this.  I'm very lucky.  I have a husband, who despite all the crap we've been thru this year, loves me.  I have two beautiful, healthy little girls.  I have a job. I have a house.  I have a car.  I'm lucky and I'm not appreciating it at all.

There are times when I feel completely unappreciated by my family but if I look more closely, I shouldn't.  No one needs to be swinging from the roof tops singing my praises...the hugs and kisses and occasional grocery store flowers, they should be enough.

I was jealous of my husband for having the time to sit and do nothing on Sunday.  What I'd give for 10 minutes of peace and quiet during the weekend.  Or to be able to sleep past 7am.  I feel that I deserve it...but I don't. 

I am going to therapy.  I guess I still have a lot of things to discuss with my therapist...so I'll be seeing her for a while.

I want to be happy.  I want to be able to look past the unmade beds and the dishes in the sink.  I want to be able to sit and watch tv with my family and not think of the laundry or the million of other little things that need to be done.

I need to start talking about my husband nicer.  That doesn't mean that I won't ever vent about him.  But I shouldn't be venting to my friends.  I should be able to talk to my husband about what is bothering me.

I failed my husband yesterday and I am truly sorry.  I've been selfish a lot lately.  I'm going to try to work on both of those.

I'm a work in progress and hopefully my family is willing to help me.

Maybe I am the problem.

I struggle with many different aspects of myself.

I suffer from anxiety.
I am a control freak.
I have a very difficult asking for help.
I expect a lot from the people around me (but then again, I also feel like I  give a lot).

I've already discussed how seeing a not made bed can send me into a tizzy.
Crumbs on the floor?  WATCH OUT

Right now, I'm starting to wonder if I am the underlying cause of all of my current struggles.

For example, I am having a very difficult time with G.  She's 6 and pushes every.single.button I have.  I just don't know what to do anymore.   I expect that when I ask her to do something I shouldn't have to ask her more than twice.  I expect that, when making a ginger bread house, she won't stick her tongue out and try to lick the icing off of the roof.  I expect that she won't have a problem with the clothes that she puts on.  I mean seriously?  Seams?  Come on. I expect her to get her coat on when asked, go to the bathroom when asked, clean up when asked.

Maybe I am expecting too much.  And then, the bigger question.....how do I know if I am asking too much?  Is the fact that she's NOT doing what I ask an indication that I am asking too much?

I really don't think I'm asking a lot.  It isn't too much to ask for the playroom to be cleaned up is it?
It isn't too much to ask her to brush her teeth is it?

Are my expectations too high?

I mean she's 6...I should be able to expect certain things.

Punishment doesn't seem to work at all.

Maybe I should just take the tv away completely and just use it as a reward.

I don't know... Ireally just don't know anymore.

But I can't do it anymore.  I can't face the struggle every.single.day anymore.

I can't.  It's destroying me.

Or maybe, since it's my behavior, I'm destroying myself..

I don't know.  it just can't go on like this any longer.  No one is happy....and I don't want unhappy little girls.