Sale! Sale! Sale! Lemonade $0.25 a cup!!!!
Isn't that what you are supposed to do when you have too many lemons? Make lemonade?
Seems that life is handing me and my family too many lemons lately so I'm having a lemonade sale.
So, ya know I lost my job in November. No biggie right? I was collecting unemployment.
In February I decided to get my real estate license to try to make some money. Wow, who knew you had to spend so much money to make money?
In April I called unemployment to inquire how much money was left in my account and to see if I was eligible for Pres. Obama's extension. I found out I was! Great...and then I go an open my mouth..."By the way, do you reimburse for real estate school?" Um, you have a real estate license? Are you affiliated with a broker? Um, what do I do? I tell the truth. Well, you might not be eligible for unemployment benefits anymore. So...a statement was taken and lo and behold...they cut my unemployment..and tell me I have to repay more that $2000. WTF???? I'm not making any money at all. I was planning on reporting any commission I did make. So, I am appealing.
In the meantime, I have taken the girls out of daycare two days a week to help cut costs. Sometimes I truly think I;m the worst stay at home mom. I yell, alot. And that makes me sad. But, oh my god...the whining. I can't take the constant whining!
On top of this...we take my car in for an oil change and to check the transmission. Lately it seems to be slipping and the car will go from 40mph to 20 mph and the RPM's will run up to 4000. So....after Honda has my car for 8 hours...and I call to check on it....I get "oh yeah, and you need a new transmission". WTF? UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH.
The dealership checked with corporate (or something) and because this is a problem with this model and because we have taken good care of the car, corporate is going to pay for more than 1/2 of the new transmission.
But that still leaves us in a bind. It seems no matter what we decide, we need to fix the car. But do we keep it after it's fixed? Do we trade it in? Will we even get approved for a new car? Or a certified pre-owned car?
In the middle of all of this I did an IUI. Yup, i know what you are going to say, I'm nuts. And maybe we are. But John and I both believe we want another child and while he still has health insurance to cover it...we were going to give it a try. Well, it didn't work. And now I"m not so sure moving on to IVF is a good idea.
John could loose his job this week....we'll be ok....he'll get 6 months of severance and he essentially has a job waiting for him with another company. Or he might have a different job with the same company.
I don't want to go back to work. i really don't. We are considering taking the girls out daycare full time. And honestly, that scares the crap out of me! it really does. I'm not sure I can handle it. But somethings gotta give.
So, who wants some of my lemonade?
Monday, May 24, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Looking up
That's how I feel...that things are looking up.
Yes, at the moment, there are three guys jackhammering the crap out of my basement but....things are looking up.
We have decided to take the girls out of daycare two days a week (Tuesdays and Thursdays)...and that's what I wanted. I will still be able to give the real estate thing a try and I can learn to love spending time with my girls. I know that sounds harsh doesn't it. I do love them...more than anything else in the world but I have a hard time spending time with them alone. They stress me out and frustrate the crap out of me. So, I'm looking at this experience to grow me and teach me patience.
They will still get the chance to go to school on Tuesdays for an hour for their cooking class (tho in theory I could just do that on my own as well but for now, I'll continue). I have plans for story time, the zoo, picnics....Please wish me luck.
Secondly, Hubby and I have decided to go ahead with the IUI that is being offered with this clomid challenge I'm doing. We figured...we have the coverage for it now...we will never regret having another child but will regret NOT having another child. So...wish us luck with that as well.
So, the house sounds like it's coming down but things are looking up.
Kristen
Yes, at the moment, there are three guys jackhammering the crap out of my basement but....things are looking up.
We have decided to take the girls out of daycare two days a week (Tuesdays and Thursdays)...and that's what I wanted. I will still be able to give the real estate thing a try and I can learn to love spending time with my girls. I know that sounds harsh doesn't it. I do love them...more than anything else in the world but I have a hard time spending time with them alone. They stress me out and frustrate the crap out of me. So, I'm looking at this experience to grow me and teach me patience.
They will still get the chance to go to school on Tuesdays for an hour for their cooking class (tho in theory I could just do that on my own as well but for now, I'll continue). I have plans for story time, the zoo, picnics....Please wish me luck.
Secondly, Hubby and I have decided to go ahead with the IUI that is being offered with this clomid challenge I'm doing. We figured...we have the coverage for it now...we will never regret having another child but will regret NOT having another child. So...wish us luck with that as well.
So, the house sounds like it's coming down but things are looking up.
Kristen
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Doubting Thomas' Ramblings
Ok, so my name is Thomas but I am doubting and I am having a pity party....well, a mini pity party. Really, I'm just questioning some decisions I've made recently and I am doubting them so much, I had a melt down in front of TJ Maxx with my mom this afternoon. Lovely.
What am I doubting? I'm doubting my decision to get started in real estate. I'm doubting the money that I have already invested in this venture, the money I still need to spend in this venture to really get started, and the fact that I'm not making any money. Nor am I guaranteed any money.
I went into the office this morning because I was supposed to meet with my mentor (as person to whom I have to give 25% of my first commission to for mentoring me) and well, he wasn't there. He switched his floor time and forgot to mention it to me. But it's ok because I met an acquaintance there and she took me to two Broker Tours/Open Houses. UGH, these places and the asking price.
When I got back I was talking to one of the owners of the broker house I'm working for.....she asked if I still felt like a fish out of water and I said I did. I don't have a desk, I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing. She suggested i come into the office more regularly and it will help. Ok...that's fine. I'll go to the meeting tomorrow and I'll go into the office on Thursday. I'm going to volunteer to do my first open house on Sunday...Holy CRAP. I mean, UGH, I wish someone would come with me. I'm terrified. But I've got to do it some time right.
So...why am I rambling? I don't know. Up until November I was working full time for 10 years. Don't get me wrong, I hated it but I knew that I had to go into work and what I was doing for 9 hours a day. Now, I've been off of work for 5 months and not working...and I'm getting to like that too.
I'm not sure I want to give up my weekends with my family. I know there is a lot of stuff that my husband wants to do around the house and he counts on me to occupy the girls so he can get them done. But I won't be home on Sunday at all. I mean, at all. :(
I've been feeling guilty about keeping the girls in daycare this whole time too. I've been home, why shouldn't I keep them home at least part time as well.
I'm not sure I want to work. Does that make me a bad person? Is that irresponsible to my family? The one car has been paid off....if I take the girls out of daycare two days a week that would reduce our burden and Grace will be in kindergarten in the fall.....maybe I should take this time to enjoy them. I've gotten really complacent about not doing anything.
I mean, I know part of that has to change because I can't just sit on the sofa in front of the tv and the computer all day long....it's not healthy and my waist is suffering for it but...really, I like the idea of not having to do that.
On the other hand, I really don't know if I have the patience to be at home two days a week with the girls. And that alone makes me feel sad and pathetic.
From that topic we move on to the thought of having another baby. I don't know if AF is coming maybe next week but the mornings with the girls have not been going well at all. And I'm thinking of adding one more to that chaos? I'm nuts. I should just be happy with what I have and move on....but I can't.
Ok...so before I go and cry again (which I will do when I discuss this all with hubby tonight)...I'm going to let this end.
What am I doubting? I'm doubting my decision to get started in real estate. I'm doubting the money that I have already invested in this venture, the money I still need to spend in this venture to really get started, and the fact that I'm not making any money. Nor am I guaranteed any money.
I went into the office this morning because I was supposed to meet with my mentor (as person to whom I have to give 25% of my first commission to for mentoring me) and well, he wasn't there. He switched his floor time and forgot to mention it to me. But it's ok because I met an acquaintance there and she took me to two Broker Tours/Open Houses. UGH, these places and the asking price.
When I got back I was talking to one of the owners of the broker house I'm working for.....she asked if I still felt like a fish out of water and I said I did. I don't have a desk, I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing. She suggested i come into the office more regularly and it will help. Ok...that's fine. I'll go to the meeting tomorrow and I'll go into the office on Thursday. I'm going to volunteer to do my first open house on Sunday...Holy CRAP. I mean, UGH, I wish someone would come with me. I'm terrified. But I've got to do it some time right.
So...why am I rambling? I don't know. Up until November I was working full time for 10 years. Don't get me wrong, I hated it but I knew that I had to go into work and what I was doing for 9 hours a day. Now, I've been off of work for 5 months and not working...and I'm getting to like that too.
I'm not sure I want to give up my weekends with my family. I know there is a lot of stuff that my husband wants to do around the house and he counts on me to occupy the girls so he can get them done. But I won't be home on Sunday at all. I mean, at all. :(
I've been feeling guilty about keeping the girls in daycare this whole time too. I've been home, why shouldn't I keep them home at least part time as well.
I'm not sure I want to work. Does that make me a bad person? Is that irresponsible to my family? The one car has been paid off....if I take the girls out of daycare two days a week that would reduce our burden and Grace will be in kindergarten in the fall.....maybe I should take this time to enjoy them. I've gotten really complacent about not doing anything.
I mean, I know part of that has to change because I can't just sit on the sofa in front of the tv and the computer all day long....it's not healthy and my waist is suffering for it but...really, I like the idea of not having to do that.
On the other hand, I really don't know if I have the patience to be at home two days a week with the girls. And that alone makes me feel sad and pathetic.
From that topic we move on to the thought of having another baby. I don't know if AF is coming maybe next week but the mornings with the girls have not been going well at all. And I'm thinking of adding one more to that chaos? I'm nuts. I should just be happy with what I have and move on....but I can't.
Ok...so before I go and cry again (which I will do when I discuss this all with hubby tonight)...I'm going to let this end.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Monday Mumblings
Lots of random thoughts running thru my head today. Feeling sad (maybe because of the weather, ugh, it's crappy out), feeling overwhelmed, out of sorts.
I'm not really sure why I'm feeling sad...maybe that's not the word. I do feel like crying but I think I'm just really completely overwhelmed.
I've been out of work 4.5 months. Other than getting my real estate license, I've done very little to find another job. I hate finance, you all know that...but this real estate thing SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF ME. Real estate is for the self confident. I'm not. I completely lack self confidence. Someone I worked with once told me that I was the least confident person they ever met. Nice. And this was from a friend.
I went to an Open House yesterday...I was forewarned about the agent I was going to sit with. He's cocky and arrogant. But I did learn how NOT to do some things.
I went into the office today.....to drop my picture off for my business cards. I met with one owner, who I know and the office manager. They both assured me it takes some time. I have to be disciplined...and I'm not sure I am. I did do some things from our home office this morning...but I need to come up with a contact list of people that I know and then send them some information.
I've gotten very complacent sitting around doing nothing for the past four months. I try not to go out and shop because then I spend money. I do feel guilty about keeping the girls in school while I've been home the whole time. Like I said, other than getting my license I haven't done much to find another job. I did meet with career counselors but...........I just haven't figured out what I want to do/be. I had an interview with HR at a local Pharmaceutical company...thru a head hunter....but I haven't heard anything back from them.
John and I are doing well. We really are. We are going to meet with the IVF doctors in a few weeks b/c I'm 1/2 convinced that they will tell me that even with IVF....having another baby will be next to impossible...and while that will make me sad...I want to know now, rather that deciding 6 months to a year from now that I do want to have another one and not being able to have one. We still haven't decided that we are going to go ahead with having another one but we want to know if it's even in the cards.
We are having a problem with water in the basement. We have water backing up around the foundation and three companies have given us estimates of $12,000...HOLY CRAP!!!!!
We are having a water issue with our landscaping as well. The retaining wall on the side of the house is bowing and seperating.........and well.....ugh.
There are things that we would like to do with the house...finish the basement, convert the attic, fix the deck, new windows......but now that I don't have a steady income................well, that's all on hold...and John is concerned that my frustration with the house will continue to grow...and that adding another family member will only exasperate that.
So..there you have it........my Monday Mumblings.
I'm not really sure why I'm feeling sad...maybe that's not the word. I do feel like crying but I think I'm just really completely overwhelmed.
I've been out of work 4.5 months. Other than getting my real estate license, I've done very little to find another job. I hate finance, you all know that...but this real estate thing SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF ME. Real estate is for the self confident. I'm not. I completely lack self confidence. Someone I worked with once told me that I was the least confident person they ever met. Nice. And this was from a friend.
I went to an Open House yesterday...I was forewarned about the agent I was going to sit with. He's cocky and arrogant. But I did learn how NOT to do some things.
I went into the office today.....to drop my picture off for my business cards. I met with one owner, who I know and the office manager. They both assured me it takes some time. I have to be disciplined...and I'm not sure I am. I did do some things from our home office this morning...but I need to come up with a contact list of people that I know and then send them some information.
I've gotten very complacent sitting around doing nothing for the past four months. I try not to go out and shop because then I spend money. I do feel guilty about keeping the girls in school while I've been home the whole time. Like I said, other than getting my license I haven't done much to find another job. I did meet with career counselors but...........I just haven't figured out what I want to do/be. I had an interview with HR at a local Pharmaceutical company...thru a head hunter....but I haven't heard anything back from them.
John and I are doing well. We really are. We are going to meet with the IVF doctors in a few weeks b/c I'm 1/2 convinced that they will tell me that even with IVF....having another baby will be next to impossible...and while that will make me sad...I want to know now, rather that deciding 6 months to a year from now that I do want to have another one and not being able to have one. We still haven't decided that we are going to go ahead with having another one but we want to know if it's even in the cards.
We are having a problem with water in the basement. We have water backing up around the foundation and three companies have given us estimates of $12,000...HOLY CRAP!!!!!
We are having a water issue with our landscaping as well. The retaining wall on the side of the house is bowing and seperating.........and well.....ugh.
There are things that we would like to do with the house...finish the basement, convert the attic, fix the deck, new windows......but now that I don't have a steady income................well, that's all on hold...and John is concerned that my frustration with the house will continue to grow...and that adding another family member will only exasperate that.
So..there you have it........my Monday Mumblings.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Was so hoping
But not very optimistic.
About what?
About maybe being pregnant on my own....
But I highly doubt it.
Why?
Because....I can feel myself loosing control of my temper.
Ava is pushing EVERY.SINGLE.BUTTON I have right now and has been since I picked her up and I'm starting to loose control.
I'm beginning to think I might need to take my doctor's suggestion to heart and maybe start anti-depressants during this time of my cycle.
But I really was hoping.....
That maybe
Just maybe
Nature would be kind to me.
About what?
About maybe being pregnant on my own....
But I highly doubt it.
Why?
Because....I can feel myself loosing control of my temper.
Ava is pushing EVERY.SINGLE.BUTTON I have right now and has been since I picked her up and I'm starting to loose control.
I'm beginning to think I might need to take my doctor's suggestion to heart and maybe start anti-depressants during this time of my cycle.
But I really was hoping.....
That maybe
Just maybe
Nature would be kind to me.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Mid week Ramblings
Ben....before you read this....think twice....there might be TMI for you.
MckMama has her stream of consciousness....and I have my Ramblings. I've stolen 1/2 hour out of my day, which began at 5:00am....to type this up.
It's Thursday and it's snowing.....again, tho it's not as bad as I had imagined it would be at 2:20 in the afternoon. Hubby stayed home from work and we didn't send the girls to daycare (I didn't want to have to drive in crappy weather to pick them up). It's been a hard day for me thus far but I'll get to that in a minute.
I've been MIA for a few weeks and for that I'm sorry. I took a Real Estate Class....it was an intensive two week class.....interrupted by two snow days and made up on a Saturday. I took my class test on Monday and passed with flying colors. I only needed a 70 to pass. I am scheduled to take the NJ State Licensing Exam on March 3. I'm not really nervous about that. I'm more nervous about starting the work of being a real estate agent.
Truth be told.....I've enjoyed not having a job....almost too much...tho there is that lingering guilt about keeping the kids in daycare this whole time.
I think the having a third baby thing is on hold...most likely indefinitely at this moment. Hubby and I have some issues (namely communication) that we need to work on. We both seem to think that adding another baby to the mix really won't help that issue at all. We are considering seeing a marriage counselor. I just haven't made the call.
We are scheduling date nights/days. Our first one is supposed to be tomorrow night but I'm not sure if it's going to happen. Depends on this storm. We actually have them written on the calendar.
I scheduled an appointment with my primary care doctor for a complete physical. They are going to send me a lab sheet so that I can have blood work drawn before my appointment. I specifically asked for specific (specifically and specific huh?) tests to check my thyroid. I wonder if that is causing some of the "things" I've been experiencing lately (irregular and heavy periods, irritability, lack of "you know what" drive, exhaustion.
I'm beginning to wonder if I'm depressed? My irritability with the girls at times is starting to concern me and I just don't feel "happy" anymore. It's like I'm always annoyed. I tried anti depressants once and got sick and I don't really know how I feel about taking them again but something really seems off about me lately. Tho they won't help the "you know what" drive thing at all (tho I did make an effort and I went to VS and bought something to try out and will try to make more of an effort on that front). I know some of you do take them....and they help but for some reason I feel I should be able to work this out by myself but I can't.
I mentioned before that I'm having a difficult day today.....because I've been home all day with the girls and yes, even tho hubby has been home he's been working upstairs for a while. I just don't know what to do with the girls on days like today. I let them watch some tv but then turn it off for a while. They made a picture for their aunt and did an art project...but Grace just doesn't know what to do without the tv and Ava doesn't even care if it's on. They are clingy and whiny and just really getting under my skin. I really dislike the winter for this reason. I despise being cold and playing in the snow. I'd rather have sand between my toes than snow any day. At least during the summer we can go outside and play.
And yet, I feel guilty for coming upstairs and sitting in front of the computer while hubby is downstairs with them. I was thinking about this this morning.......how I wish I had the patience to be a stay at home mom...or even a more comfortable weekend at home mom. But I just don't know how to be. Maybe it's the thyroid...or depression or I don't know. But I never had that chance really and it saddens me that I don't know how to be a good "at home" mom to my girls. I love them with all my heart and soul but I don't know how to be patient with them. I have no patience. And if I have no patience with two, what would happen to me with three?
This all saddens me.
And just so there is no mis-understanding.... I LOVE MckMama.
MckMama has her stream of consciousness....and I have my Ramblings. I've stolen 1/2 hour out of my day, which began at 5:00am....to type this up.
It's Thursday and it's snowing.....again, tho it's not as bad as I had imagined it would be at 2:20 in the afternoon. Hubby stayed home from work and we didn't send the girls to daycare (I didn't want to have to drive in crappy weather to pick them up). It's been a hard day for me thus far but I'll get to that in a minute.
I've been MIA for a few weeks and for that I'm sorry. I took a Real Estate Class....it was an intensive two week class.....interrupted by two snow days and made up on a Saturday. I took my class test on Monday and passed with flying colors. I only needed a 70 to pass. I am scheduled to take the NJ State Licensing Exam on March 3. I'm not really nervous about that. I'm more nervous about starting the work of being a real estate agent.
Truth be told.....I've enjoyed not having a job....almost too much...tho there is that lingering guilt about keeping the kids in daycare this whole time.
I think the having a third baby thing is on hold...most likely indefinitely at this moment. Hubby and I have some issues (namely communication) that we need to work on. We both seem to think that adding another baby to the mix really won't help that issue at all. We are considering seeing a marriage counselor. I just haven't made the call.
We are scheduling date nights/days. Our first one is supposed to be tomorrow night but I'm not sure if it's going to happen. Depends on this storm. We actually have them written on the calendar.
I scheduled an appointment with my primary care doctor for a complete physical. They are going to send me a lab sheet so that I can have blood work drawn before my appointment. I specifically asked for specific (specifically and specific huh?) tests to check my thyroid. I wonder if that is causing some of the "things" I've been experiencing lately (irregular and heavy periods, irritability, lack of "you know what" drive, exhaustion.
I'm beginning to wonder if I'm depressed? My irritability with the girls at times is starting to concern me and I just don't feel "happy" anymore. It's like I'm always annoyed. I tried anti depressants once and got sick and I don't really know how I feel about taking them again but something really seems off about me lately. Tho they won't help the "you know what" drive thing at all (tho I did make an effort and I went to VS and bought something to try out and will try to make more of an effort on that front). I know some of you do take them....and they help but for some reason I feel I should be able to work this out by myself but I can't.
I mentioned before that I'm having a difficult day today.....because I've been home all day with the girls and yes, even tho hubby has been home he's been working upstairs for a while. I just don't know what to do with the girls on days like today. I let them watch some tv but then turn it off for a while. They made a picture for their aunt and did an art project...but Grace just doesn't know what to do without the tv and Ava doesn't even care if it's on. They are clingy and whiny and just really getting under my skin. I really dislike the winter for this reason. I despise being cold and playing in the snow. I'd rather have sand between my toes than snow any day. At least during the summer we can go outside and play.
And yet, I feel guilty for coming upstairs and sitting in front of the computer while hubby is downstairs with them. I was thinking about this this morning.......how I wish I had the patience to be a stay at home mom...or even a more comfortable weekend at home mom. But I just don't know how to be. Maybe it's the thyroid...or depression or I don't know. But I never had that chance really and it saddens me that I don't know how to be a good "at home" mom to my girls. I love them with all my heart and soul but I don't know how to be patient with them. I have no patience. And if I have no patience with two, what would happen to me with three?
This all saddens me.
And just so there is no mis-understanding.... I LOVE MckMama.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Mommy Guilt
The past few days I have been feeling a great deal of mommy guilt.....see, I've been out of work for close to 13 weeks. And everyday I have taken the girls to daycare. There is my mommy guilt.
When I first got laid off John and I decided that we would leave the girls in daycare full time for the time being. We would reasses come January. January came and I had a job interview and I would hear the decision by the end of January....so we decided that we'd leave the girls in daycare until I found out one way or another.
Now I've decided to go to school and get my real estate license. It's a two week full time course...so of course, I can't take them out of daycare now.
After I pass my license...I have an agency that is willing ot take me on.
When I got laid off everyone would assume that I'd take the girls out of daycare and they would be so happy and I would be so happy to spend more time with them. And I feel like I disappoint them when I tell them that I'm still keeping them in school.
Most days I am out and about in the morning and sitting on my @ss all afternoon. Then I go and pick the girls up. And I think.....I should have kept them home with me. What's my problem?
But they both do really well with structure and there is no structure here at home...totally my fault.
So, maybe I need to think about doing the real estate thing 4 days a week and keeping the girls out one day a week. UGh, I don't know.
Weekends are so hard around here with John and the girls all home. We fight and yell...all of us...it's usually not a good weekend. Will be better when the weather warms up.....I really dislike the winter and being stuck inside.
I know this was a ramble....sorry but Mommy guilt sucks.
When I first got laid off John and I decided that we would leave the girls in daycare full time for the time being. We would reasses come January. January came and I had a job interview and I would hear the decision by the end of January....so we decided that we'd leave the girls in daycare until I found out one way or another.
Now I've decided to go to school and get my real estate license. It's a two week full time course...so of course, I can't take them out of daycare now.
After I pass my license...I have an agency that is willing ot take me on.
When I got laid off everyone would assume that I'd take the girls out of daycare and they would be so happy and I would be so happy to spend more time with them. And I feel like I disappoint them when I tell them that I'm still keeping them in school.
Most days I am out and about in the morning and sitting on my @ss all afternoon. Then I go and pick the girls up. And I think.....I should have kept them home with me. What's my problem?
But they both do really well with structure and there is no structure here at home...totally my fault.
So, maybe I need to think about doing the real estate thing 4 days a week and keeping the girls out one day a week. UGh, I don't know.
Weekends are so hard around here with John and the girls all home. We fight and yell...all of us...it's usually not a good weekend. Will be better when the weather warms up.....I really dislike the winter and being stuck inside.
I know this was a ramble....sorry but Mommy guilt sucks.
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