I suffer from anxiety. Recently I've been suffering a lot. I'm dealing with it RIGHT.NOW. I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest. I feel all itchy. It's been pretty bad lately all because of this crap with my brother. And I just want it to end.
I'm tired. I cried a lot last night. I will probably cry tonight as well.
I'm nervous. I need to talk to hubby again about a conversation with my brother and sister in law that I had last night and I can't share everything that we spoke about. Many things were said in anger and maybe (or not) not meant the way they were said. Had my sister in law not called me back, I might have said F it to Thanksgiving dinner with the family as well.
I am meeting with my therapist tomorrow night and I can't wait. It's been a while and many things have happened since I last spoke with her.
I have anxiety over other things as well, but the anxiety over the issues with my brother are taking front and center now.
It hurts. It hurts me physically. I hurts me emotionally. It hurt my soul.
Anxiety sucks.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Progress
Today is Friday! Yeah, happy Friday. Tomorrow we are having A's 4th birthday party at Build a Bear and then the kids are coming back to our house for pizza and cupcakes. I have a LOT to do tonight...hope Hubby is up for the challenge.
Wednesday I was down, depressed, in a funk...near tears...you name it. It was PMS....I could feel it building......but my mom called in the afternoon and I finally told her what was wrong...she could sense something anyways.
I talked to her about my brother. We yelled, I cursed, I cried. I slammed my office door. But we got it out.
Wednesday night I finally worked up the courage to talk to dear hubby about it. And ya know what? It didn't go all that badly. He still doesn't want to see them....doesn't want to partake in Thanksgiving...however, if my brother and I can talk face to face and I can show to my brother and explain to him how much his words really did hurt and the damage that he did with them....then dear hubby might reconsider.
Hubby said that in hindsight, he's not really surprised by my brother's comments. That my brother seems to live in a "perfect" world and not many people live up to his standards. My mother has also told my brother and sister in law that their expectations of others is impossible.
I also asked hubby to join me in my latest counselling session and he agreed. Yes, I am seeing a counselor....primarily because of this but also to try to deal with my general anxiety issues.
I have sent my brother and email and called him on my cell today requesting to speak to him face to face. Iguess we'll see what happens. The ball is in his court now.
I still get very anxious about this situation. I loose my appetite....break out in hives....all that fun stuff....but I got what I needed to off my chest with my mom and with my hubby.
Thanks.
Have a great weekend.
Kristen
Wednesday I was down, depressed, in a funk...near tears...you name it. It was PMS....I could feel it building......but my mom called in the afternoon and I finally told her what was wrong...she could sense something anyways.
I talked to her about my brother. We yelled, I cursed, I cried. I slammed my office door. But we got it out.
Wednesday night I finally worked up the courage to talk to dear hubby about it. And ya know what? It didn't go all that badly. He still doesn't want to see them....doesn't want to partake in Thanksgiving...however, if my brother and I can talk face to face and I can show to my brother and explain to him how much his words really did hurt and the damage that he did with them....then dear hubby might reconsider.
Hubby said that in hindsight, he's not really surprised by my brother's comments. That my brother seems to live in a "perfect" world and not many people live up to his standards. My mother has also told my brother and sister in law that their expectations of others is impossible.
I also asked hubby to join me in my latest counselling session and he agreed. Yes, I am seeing a counselor....primarily because of this but also to try to deal with my general anxiety issues.
I have sent my brother and email and called him on my cell today requesting to speak to him face to face. Iguess we'll see what happens. The ball is in his court now.
I still get very anxious about this situation. I loose my appetite....break out in hives....all that fun stuff....but I got what I needed to off my chest with my mom and with my hubby.
Thanks.
Have a great weekend.
Kristen
Friday, November 5, 2010
Lost
Do you ever just feel lost? Like you have no idea where you are going or what you are going?
That's how I feel right now.
Right now I'm on the verge of tears because I just don't know what to do anymore.
About what?
About everything. And yes, perhaps I'm being a bit dramatic.
I'm lost on how to deal with G when she's obviously tired from school yet back talks me. I try to be understanding with her but on the other hand, I will not tolerate balk talk from a 6 year old.
I'm lost on what to do when my temper gets away from me like it did last night and I yelled at the girls and made them cry. Which then sent me into tears.
I'm lost on how to talk to my husband about the baby thing.
I'm VERY lost on how to talk to my husband about my brother.
I think the brother thing has me very upset right now. J's reaction to my brother's last email was so ANGRY so almost over the top that I am honestly scared to speak to him about it again. Scared. Scared to speak to my husband about my brother because I can not handle that sort of reaction from him again.
Isn't that a bit pathetic?
I took the girls to my niece and nephew's party by myself. I didn't think it was a big deal, it's not like it's never happened before. No one asked where J was.
But then my cousin and my sister in law start talking about Christmas and exchanging gifts and my sister in law basically says that maybe we should skip it this year. So I questioned her about getting together with my mom and us like we usually do and I get an email back from her this morning saying something to this effect "E and I assumed that since J didn't come to the kids party at our house that a smaller setting would be uncomfortable and maybe we should just skip it this year".
Honestly, this makes me sick. Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick.
Why? Because deep down I am still pissed at my brother. I'm not necessarily pissed at everything he said, just the way he decided to communicate it. And the fact that in some cases, he stuck his nose into matters he had no business doing so.
And because of that...he ruined a lot of things.
I'm not perfect. J isn't, my girls aren't. But, thank you very much, I don't need my brother sending me an email pointing that sh!t out to me.
I am trying. I went to the party and felt like I was being watched the entire time. I think deep down, I will always feel like I am being judged by them. And that stings.
Now I know how they truly feel about me and my family. And it hurts.
There will always be a scar there. Always. And it runs deep.
But I am trying. The fact that Christmas will now change and effect the kids....that hurts.
the fact that I am scared to speak to my husband about how I feel because I don't want to see or deal with his reaction....that hurts.
It still hurts.
And therefore, I am lost.
That's how I feel right now.
Right now I'm on the verge of tears because I just don't know what to do anymore.
About what?
About everything. And yes, perhaps I'm being a bit dramatic.
I'm lost on how to deal with G when she's obviously tired from school yet back talks me. I try to be understanding with her but on the other hand, I will not tolerate balk talk from a 6 year old.
I'm lost on what to do when my temper gets away from me like it did last night and I yelled at the girls and made them cry. Which then sent me into tears.
I'm lost on how to talk to my husband about the baby thing.
I'm VERY lost on how to talk to my husband about my brother.
I think the brother thing has me very upset right now. J's reaction to my brother's last email was so ANGRY so almost over the top that I am honestly scared to speak to him about it again. Scared. Scared to speak to my husband about my brother because I can not handle that sort of reaction from him again.
Isn't that a bit pathetic?
I took the girls to my niece and nephew's party by myself. I didn't think it was a big deal, it's not like it's never happened before. No one asked where J was.
But then my cousin and my sister in law start talking about Christmas and exchanging gifts and my sister in law basically says that maybe we should skip it this year. So I questioned her about getting together with my mom and us like we usually do and I get an email back from her this morning saying something to this effect "E and I assumed that since J didn't come to the kids party at our house that a smaller setting would be uncomfortable and maybe we should just skip it this year".
Honestly, this makes me sick. Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick.
Why? Because deep down I am still pissed at my brother. I'm not necessarily pissed at everything he said, just the way he decided to communicate it. And the fact that in some cases, he stuck his nose into matters he had no business doing so.
And because of that...he ruined a lot of things.
I'm not perfect. J isn't, my girls aren't. But, thank you very much, I don't need my brother sending me an email pointing that sh!t out to me.
I am trying. I went to the party and felt like I was being watched the entire time. I think deep down, I will always feel like I am being judged by them. And that stings.
Now I know how they truly feel about me and my family. And it hurts.
There will always be a scar there. Always. And it runs deep.
But I am trying. The fact that Christmas will now change and effect the kids....that hurts.
the fact that I am scared to speak to my husband about how I feel because I don't want to see or deal with his reaction....that hurts.
It still hurts.
And therefore, I am lost.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Friday Fumblings
Yeah! It's Friday. It's beautiful here despite the rain we got this morning.
So, I'm not even really sure why I got my hopes up about being pregnant on my own. I mean, it just ain't gonna happen.
And hubby and I haven't even made a decision on it yet. We did have a very good discussion about it last week but no decision has been made...even tho I really want/need to know now.
After speaking with my therapist last night about it, I've come to this conclusion......
My family is perfect and complete right now. I love my family and I would be happy to keep it just the way it is now.
HOWEVER, there is room in my heart to welcome another member into this family and if that's what we decide...then I'll be happy.
It's just the waiting...ya know?
I'm going to be 40 and not that 40 is old.....and I have no problem being 40 and being pregnant but I never saw myself as being 40 and getting pregnant. Does that even make sense? And does it really matter? There are wonderful women out in the world who are 40 and pregnant. Why can't I be one of them?
Work is going......most days there isn't enough to keep me busy all day, which is frustrating. But it's a job I can do and my boss is really cool. He comments on my Facebook postings and yesterday we played Wii Bowling and some Wii baseball.
I'm in the market for a pair of comfortable shoes to wear on the weekends...something I can walk around the mall in or aroun the zoo or whatever. Bad shoes just suck. They can ruin your day. So, I'm looking for a good pair, willing to spend around $75 since I will wear them to death on the weekend. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I need a new haircut. I've decided to let the front grow and keep the back short. But the front is short that it has been in months and completely layered. I hate it. It looks like crap. And I want it grown out NOW! Gee, I don't have a problem with patience do I?
I'm trying to convince John that we should slowly start work on the basement. I think we should get an electrician in to work on the electical panel and then get a quote on how much it would cost to have the basement framed out. We know we want to finish it....hell, I've already got it planned out in my head...so, let's do it...slowly.
I'd also like to get a quote to find out how much it would cost to have our master bedroom repainted. I know it's something we can do ourselves but we really just don't have the time. And the person is an aquaintance so I have no problem leaving him in the house to do it. then John and I can do the molding ourselves maybe but if the painting could be done....it would help.
I know...a lot of stuff going on.....and in all this mixture, John has a new job and he's still working his old one and it's causing him stress. Plus, next week he has to go out to PA (about a 2.5 hour drive) and then to KY later in the week.
Well, I should probably get back to work.
Have a nice day.
So, I'm not even really sure why I got my hopes up about being pregnant on my own. I mean, it just ain't gonna happen.
And hubby and I haven't even made a decision on it yet. We did have a very good discussion about it last week but no decision has been made...even tho I really want/need to know now.
After speaking with my therapist last night about it, I've come to this conclusion......
My family is perfect and complete right now. I love my family and I would be happy to keep it just the way it is now.
HOWEVER, there is room in my heart to welcome another member into this family and if that's what we decide...then I'll be happy.
It's just the waiting...ya know?
I'm going to be 40 and not that 40 is old.....and I have no problem being 40 and being pregnant but I never saw myself as being 40 and getting pregnant. Does that even make sense? And does it really matter? There are wonderful women out in the world who are 40 and pregnant. Why can't I be one of them?
Work is going......most days there isn't enough to keep me busy all day, which is frustrating. But it's a job I can do and my boss is really cool. He comments on my Facebook postings and yesterday we played Wii Bowling and some Wii baseball.
I'm in the market for a pair of comfortable shoes to wear on the weekends...something I can walk around the mall in or aroun the zoo or whatever. Bad shoes just suck. They can ruin your day. So, I'm looking for a good pair, willing to spend around $75 since I will wear them to death on the weekend. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I need a new haircut. I've decided to let the front grow and keep the back short. But the front is short that it has been in months and completely layered. I hate it. It looks like crap. And I want it grown out NOW! Gee, I don't have a problem with patience do I?
I'm trying to convince John that we should slowly start work on the basement. I think we should get an electrician in to work on the electical panel and then get a quote on how much it would cost to have the basement framed out. We know we want to finish it....hell, I've already got it planned out in my head...so, let's do it...slowly.
I'd also like to get a quote to find out how much it would cost to have our master bedroom repainted. I know it's something we can do ourselves but we really just don't have the time. And the person is an aquaintance so I have no problem leaving him in the house to do it. then John and I can do the molding ourselves maybe but if the painting could be done....it would help.
I know...a lot of stuff going on.....and in all this mixture, John has a new job and he's still working his old one and it's causing him stress. Plus, next week he has to go out to PA (about a 2.5 hour drive) and then to KY later in the week.
Well, I should probably get back to work.
Have a nice day.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Hoping
Ben, this is NOT a post you should read
Today is cycle day 24....usually by now I have started to spot. I haven't.
This past weekend my boobs hurt so bad that if G or A leaned on them, I was in tears.
Should I be so bold as to hope?
Today I'm moody. Very moody.
I would love to hold out hope that maybe, just maybe....my body did something right this time....but it's getting harder and harder and harder.
I've only ever gotten pregnant once without medical help. That didn't go too well.
Maybe, just maybe...
But probably not.
Today is cycle day 24....usually by now I have started to spot. I haven't.
This past weekend my boobs hurt so bad that if G or A leaned on them, I was in tears.
Should I be so bold as to hope?
Today I'm moody. Very moody.
I would love to hold out hope that maybe, just maybe....my body did something right this time....but it's getting harder and harder and harder.
I've only ever gotten pregnant once without medical help. That didn't go too well.
Maybe, just maybe...
But probably not.
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