I'm not perfect, no I'm not

It appears I'm stealing song lyrics again..this time from Laurie Berkner...but I don't care because "I'm not Perfect, no I'm not".

I'm still overwhelmingly upset about my brother's email to me.  My heart starts racing and tears well up in my eyes when I think about it.  Not necessarily the words but the tone...which is odd because you can't really hear a tone in an email...but I did.  And man was it bitter.

His email wasn't all wrong.  John and I did embarass him and others by fighting on the beach and I did yell at the girls to stop whining (which was exactly what I was doing)...and I'm bothered by that.  I'm almost sickened to think about how I must have sounded to my family surrounding us.

I have called my cousins and tearfully apologized to them.  I have spoken to my mother about things that my brother wrote and while she agreed with some of them (John and I fighting)...she is also upset with my brother about how he handled it and other things he called out.

John and I don't have a perfect marriage.  Do you?  We fight....alot.  We have problems with communication.  But we are working on it.  Unfortunately, we seem to fail alot when we are with my family and I don't understand the basis of that.  But I have promised my mother and John and I agree, that we will not go to the beach or another family function either at all or together if we are having issues.

I have also been struggling with deeper issues lately.  For about the past 8 months my PMS symptoms (the emotional ones) are SEVERE.  I fly off the handle for no good reason.  UGH, I'm tearing up just thinking about incidents in the past.  I'm working on getting help for that.  I also constantly feel like I'm on edge.  does that make sense?  It's not fair to anyone around me...but I don't just want to go on medication (tho I am willing) without talking to someone.  My GYN is ready to write an RX but I want to talk to someone as well.

THe past few days with John and the girls have been great.  I'm working on my patience.  I really am.

But I don't know what to do about my brother.  I wrote him an email back.  I told him that I'm not perfect and that I was sorry and that some of the harshness he spouted was just an issue for him not others (he told me I was rude for not providing food for my family and my mom when we go down when in fact, I do bring things and my mom doesn't expect it).  But that his own thing.

John, on the other hand is PISSED.  Not only did my brother diss me...but he dissed my family...and he has every right to feel that way.

My mom says to give my brother some time and then call and try to talk on neutral territory.  But John is against that.

UGH.....what do I do?  My brother says he won't apologize and honestly I feel that in some sense he does.  He has a right to his opinion but the way he chose to voice it was just so wrong.

But he's my brother and I love him.  I'm pissed at him....VERY VERY pissed at him but............

I just can't cry anymore.