Random thoughts

• It's 8:53 on Thursday night
• I'm sick and tired of having my period and bleeding for 5 days straight
• Cramps SUCK!!!
• I'm dealing with Grace going to kindergarten very well.  I cry every time I think about it (damn it...there I go again).
• I want to have another baby
• I emailed my brother and I haven't heard from him.  I'm not sure what that means.
• Halloween costumes are outrageously expensive
• I have ALMOST survived my first week of work
• I almost quit my new job yesterday
• I had a MAJOR meltdown last night...epic.....the girls put on a puppet show to try to cheer me up.
• It's 9:05 and Grace is still up.
• I am Uptight and I hate that about me
• For some reason I'm watching Ella Enchanted
• I need to do something different with my hair...it's not working for me any more.
• Why am I watching Ella Enchanted?
• I wish I weren't so uptight
• Good night.

Can't stop crying

I have no idea why I can't stop crying today.  But I can't.  UGH, I'm a mess.

I got the offer for the interview I went on the other day...and I can't turn it down.  I just can't.

But I was hoping to be able to see Grace off to school every morning on the bus and I won't be able to b/c the bus will pick her up at 8:30 and I have to be at work at 8:30...so now she'll have to do the Extended Day Program before and after school and that kills me.  It really does.

I'm crying because I will be working until 5 and then either John or I will have to get the girls and then dinner.......I don't want to go back to that stress again.

But I don't have a choice.

It's change...big change for me all happening at once. 

I hate change.

And I'm crying.

Just when I thought I had this all figured out

Just when I thought I had this all figured out, this "life" thing...ok, well not really all figured out because no one ever has it all figured out...but I was really starting to enjoy the way things were going lately with the girls and all.....things MIGHT up and change.

I say MIGHT because I don't know but you know me, I have to stress about it now.

I had a job interview today for well, a job I don't really want but need.  And rumor (I know the CEO on Facebook) has it, I'm going to get the offer.  I don't know what the "offer" entails, but apparently, I'm going to get it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful but...I was hoping things could stay status quo for a while longer.  But we need the money, I NEED the job...a. job that I really don't want.  And I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that I will get stuck in a job that I don't want/like for another 10 years like my last one.

I'm afraid that I will never figure out what kind of job will actually make me happy and pay me money.

I'm worried about Grace and kindergarten and how she will adjust to not only it but now before and after care.

I've been in a routine lately and I'm scared to change it.


This is change on many different levels and I don't like it.

Starting to get the hang of things

For the past few weeks...things seem to be "coming together".

While it's getting more difficult financially, me not having a job and all, I feel I am becoming a better parent.  I am spending great quality time with my girls and I'm starting to love it.   Don't get me wrong, it's not that I've never loved spending time with them, but I'm really LOVING it. 

When I worked full time, weekends were spent doing laundry, changing sheets, doing things that couldn't be done during the week.  We never had fun.

Now we are and I'm so glad I have the opportunity to do this before Grace starts kindergarten in a few weeks (crap, I'm crying just thinking about it).

I've become a better mom and a better person.  I'm actively working on my patience and I think this has been a good tool for me.  It's not all sunshine and roses every day.....but there has been a lot less yelling from me and a lot more smiles and hugs and kisses.

I'm so blessed to have this opportunity.

thinking out loud

Right now, I am seriously getting pregnant again just so I don't have to deal with my monthly "bill" for the next 10 months.

Kinda puts another tick on the "have another kid" list.

I'm not perfect, no I'm not

It appears I'm stealing song lyrics again..this time from Laurie Berkner...but I don't care because "I'm not Perfect, no I'm not".

I'm still overwhelmingly upset about my brother's email to me.  My heart starts racing and tears well up in my eyes when I think about it.  Not necessarily the words but the tone...which is odd because you can't really hear a tone in an email...but I did.  And man was it bitter.

His email wasn't all wrong.  John and I did embarass him and others by fighting on the beach and I did yell at the girls to stop whining (which was exactly what I was doing)...and I'm bothered by that.  I'm almost sickened to think about how I must have sounded to my family surrounding us.

I have called my cousins and tearfully apologized to them.  I have spoken to my mother about things that my brother wrote and while she agreed with some of them (John and I fighting)...she is also upset with my brother about how he handled it and other things he called out.

John and I don't have a perfect marriage.  Do you?  We fight....alot.  We have problems with communication.  But we are working on it.  Unfortunately, we seem to fail alot when we are with my family and I don't understand the basis of that.  But I have promised my mother and John and I agree, that we will not go to the beach or another family function either at all or together if we are having issues.

I have also been struggling with deeper issues lately.  For about the past 8 months my PMS symptoms (the emotional ones) are SEVERE.  I fly off the handle for no good reason.  UGH, I'm tearing up just thinking about incidents in the past.  I'm working on getting help for that.  I also constantly feel like I'm on edge.  does that make sense?  It's not fair to anyone around me...but I don't just want to go on medication (tho I am willing) without talking to someone.  My GYN is ready to write an RX but I want to talk to someone as well.

THe past few days with John and the girls have been great.  I'm working on my patience.  I really am.

But I don't know what to do about my brother.  I wrote him an email back.  I told him that I'm not perfect and that I was sorry and that some of the harshness he spouted was just an issue for him not others (he told me I was rude for not providing food for my family and my mom when we go down when in fact, I do bring things and my mom doesn't expect it).  But that his own thing.

John, on the other hand is PISSED.  Not only did my brother diss me...but he dissed my family...and he has every right to feel that way.

My mom says to give my brother some time and then call and try to talk on neutral territory.  But John is against that.

UGH.....what do I do?  My brother says he won't apologize and honestly I feel that in some sense he does.  He has a right to his opinion but the way he chose to voice it was just so wrong.

But he's my brother and I love him.  I'm pissed at him....VERY VERY pissed at him but............

I just can't cry anymore.

Crushing words

I received a physically and mentally crushing email from my brother yesterday that has left my sick to my stomach and emotionally devastated.

Apparently my brother feels that I am a horrible parent, horrible daughter and a horrible wife.  So much so that he has to put all of his pent up feelings in an email that crushed me.

He called out my parenting skills, I embarrassed him and the rest of my family and I'm a horrible daughter.  I'm selfish and inconsiderate to my mom and everyone around me.

Life must be so beautiful from his ivory tower looking down on all his subjects below him.  Pity the fools who doesn't fit into his perfect marriage, with his perfect wife and his perfect childre.

I have no idea where this leaves us.  But he doesn't want to be around me or my family.

My husband is livid.  Furious.  Disgusted that my own brother would be so cruel to me and call him out as well.

What do I do?  I'm sick to my stomach...I can't stop crying.