Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Looking up

That's how I feel...that things are looking up.

Yes, at the moment, there are three guys jackhammering the crap out of my basement but....things are looking up.

We have decided to take the girls out of daycare two days a week (Tuesdays and Thursdays)...and that's what I wanted.  I will still be able to give the real estate thing a try and I can learn to love spending time with my girls.  I know that sounds harsh doesn't it.  I do love them...more than anything else in the world but I have a hard time spending time with them alone.  They stress me out and frustrate the crap out of me.  So, I'm looking at this experience to grow me and teach me patience.

They will still get the chance to go to school on Tuesdays for an hour for their cooking class (tho in theory I could just do that on my own as well but for now, I'll continue).  I have plans for story time, the zoo, picnics....Please wish me luck.

Secondly, Hubby and I have decided to go ahead with the IUI that is being offered with this clomid challenge I'm doing.  We figured...we have the coverage for it now...we will never regret having another child but will regret NOT having another child.  So...wish us luck with that as well.

So, the house sounds like it's coming down but things are looking up. 


Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Doubting Thomas' Ramblings

Ok, so my name is Thomas but I am doubting and I am having a pity party....well, a mini pity party.  Really, I'm just questioning some decisions I've made recently and I am doubting them so much, I had a melt down in front of TJ Maxx with my mom this afternoon.  Lovely.

What am I doubting?  I'm doubting my decision to get started in real estate.  I'm doubting the money that I have already invested in this venture, the money I still need to spend in this venture to really get started, and the fact that I'm not making any money.  Nor am I guaranteed any money.

I went into the office this morning because I was supposed to meet with my mentor (as person to whom I have to give 25% of my first commission to for mentoring me) and well, he wasn't there.  He switched his floor time and forgot to mention it to me.   But it's ok because I met an acquaintance there and she took me to two Broker Tours/Open Houses.  UGH, these places and the asking price.

When I got back I was talking to one of the owners of the broker house I'm working for.....she asked if I still felt like a fish out of water and I said I did.  I don't have a desk, I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing.  She suggested i come into the office more regularly and it will help.  Ok...that's fine.  I'll go to the meeting tomorrow and I'll go into the office on Thursday.  I'm going to volunteer to do my first open house on Sunday...Holy CRAP.  I mean, UGH, I wish someone would come with me.  I'm terrified.  But I've got to do it some time right.

So...why am I rambling?  I don't know.  Up until November I was working full time for 10 years.  Don't get me wrong, I hated it but I knew that I had to go into work and what I was doing for 9 hours a day.  Now, I've been off of work for 5 months and not working...and I'm getting to like that too.

I'm not sure I want to give up my weekends with my family.  I know there is a lot of stuff that my husband wants to do around the house and he counts on me to occupy the girls so he can get them done.  But I won't be home on Sunday at all.  I mean, at all.  :(

I've been feeling guilty about keeping the girls in daycare this whole time too.  I've been home, why shouldn't I keep them home at least part time as well.

I'm not sure I want to work.  Does that make me a bad person?  Is that irresponsible to my family?  The one car has been paid off....if I take the girls out of daycare two days a week that would reduce our burden and Grace will be in kindergarten in the fall.....maybe I should take this time to enjoy them.  I've gotten really complacent about not doing anything.

I mean, I know part of that has to change because I can't just sit on the sofa in front of the tv and the computer all day's not healthy and my waist is suffering for it but...really, I like the idea of not having to do that.

On the other hand, I really don't know if I have the patience to be at home two days a week with the girls.  And that alone makes me feel sad and pathetic. 

From that topic we move on to the thought of having another baby.  I don't know if AF is coming maybe next week but the mornings with the girls have not been going well at all.  And I'm thinking of adding one more to that chaos?  I'm nuts.  I should just be happy with what I have and move on....but I can't. before I go and cry again (which I will do when I discuss this all with hubby tonight)...I'm going to let this end.