I F'd up......

Let's just say 2010 has not been my year.  I've shared most of what has gone on with you but not all of it....and that's the way it's going to stay but.....I F'd up again yesterday.

I wrote an email to my friend T.  We've been friends since like...forever and well.  In this email...I bitched about my hubby.  I ranted about how he watched the Giants/Eagles game all day....about how I had to keep the girls away from him so they wouldn't bother him........about how he spent two hours working on something and didn't help me put the girls to bed.

Well, that bit my in the @ss.  T wrote back on our joint email account...and hubby opened up the email to see how T was doing and saw my rant.  He was LIVID, FURIOUS....screaming at me.  Told me he was sick and tired of me not giving him credit, that he doesn't trust me anymore.....that he's tired of me being miserable.

And you know what?  He's right.  I immediately left work so we could discuss this before we got the girls.  I apologized....I am sorry, I was sorry.  I'm sorry he read it.....I'm sorry I wrote it.

See, for some reason I tend to look at the negative side of things.  All I can see is the fact that he's home and couldn't make the beds or that the dishwasher is empty and there are dirty dishes sitting in the sink.

I forget to see that while he was watching the game, he was in fact, doing the laundry.  Or that he cleans the cats litter box out and takes the trash out.  I forgot those things.

I did tell him that I appreciated him taking the time to print the pictures out the right way...and making sure that they looked nice....but then I turned and bitched to T that he didn't help me put the girls to bed.  That wasn't fair.

I take my husband for granted and for that I'm sorry.  I take my life for granted.  And for that I'm sorry.

I have this undefinable idea of how my life should be and when it falls short....I get upset.  The important word there is undefinable.  I can't put into words how I think my house should be or my life should be.

But I'm tired of living my life like this.  I'm very lucky.  I have a husband, who despite all the crap we've been thru this year, loves me.  I have two beautiful, healthy little girls.  I have a job. I have a house.  I have a car.  I'm lucky and I'm not appreciating it at all.

There are times when I feel completely unappreciated by my family but if I look more closely, I shouldn't.  No one needs to be swinging from the roof tops singing my praises...the hugs and kisses and occasional grocery store flowers, they should be enough.

I was jealous of my husband for having the time to sit and do nothing on Sunday.  What I'd give for 10 minutes of peace and quiet during the weekend.  Or to be able to sleep past 7am.  I feel that I deserve it...but I don't. 

I am going to therapy.  I guess I still have a lot of things to discuss with my therapist...so I'll be seeing her for a while.

I want to be happy.  I want to be able to look past the unmade beds and the dishes in the sink.  I want to be able to sit and watch tv with my family and not think of the laundry or the million of other little things that need to be done.

I need to start talking about my husband nicer.  That doesn't mean that I won't ever vent about him.  But I shouldn't be venting to my friends.  I should be able to talk to my husband about what is bothering me.

I failed my husband yesterday and I am truly sorry.  I've been selfish a lot lately.  I'm going to try to work on both of those.

I'm a work in progress and hopefully my family is willing to help me.

Maybe I am the problem.

I struggle with many different aspects of myself.

I suffer from anxiety.
I am a control freak.
I have a very difficult asking for help.
I expect a lot from the people around me (but then again, I also feel like I  give a lot).

I've already discussed how seeing a not made bed can send me into a tizzy.
Crumbs on the floor?  WATCH OUT

Right now, I'm starting to wonder if I am the underlying cause of all of my current struggles.

For example, I am having a very difficult time with G.  She's 6 and pushes every.single.button I have.  I just don't know what to do anymore.   I expect that when I ask her to do something I shouldn't have to ask her more than twice.  I expect that, when making a ginger bread house, she won't stick her tongue out and try to lick the icing off of the roof.  I expect that she won't have a problem with the clothes that she puts on.  I mean seriously?  Seams?  Come on. I expect her to get her coat on when asked, go to the bathroom when asked, clean up when asked.

Maybe I am expecting too much.  And then, the bigger question.....how do I know if I am asking too much?  Is the fact that she's NOT doing what I ask an indication that I am asking too much?

I really don't think I'm asking a lot.  It isn't too much to ask for the playroom to be cleaned up is it?
It isn't too much to ask her to brush her teeth is it?

Are my expectations too high?

I mean she's 6...I should be able to expect certain things.

Punishment doesn't seem to work at all.

Maybe I should just take the tv away completely and just use it as a reward.

I don't know... Ireally just don't know anymore.

But I can't do it anymore.  I can't face the struggle every.single.day anymore.

I can't.  It's destroying me.

Or maybe, since it's my behavior, I'm destroying myself..

I don't know.  it just can't go on like this any longer.  No one is happy....and I don't want unhappy little girls. 

Anxiety sucks

I suffer from anxiety.  Recently I've been suffering a lot.  I'm dealing with it RIGHT.NOW.  I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest.  I feel all itchy.  It's been pretty bad lately all because of this crap with my brother.  And I just want it to end.

I'm tired.  I cried a lot last night.  I will probably cry tonight as well.

I'm nervous.  I need to talk to hubby again about a conversation with my brother and sister in law that I had last night and I can't share everything that we spoke about.  Many things were said in anger and maybe (or not) not meant the way they were said.  Had my sister in law not called me back, I might have said F it to Thanksgiving dinner with the family as well.

I am meeting with my therapist tomorrow night and I can't wait.  It's been a while and many things have happened since I last spoke with her.

I have anxiety over other things as well, but the anxiety over the issues with my brother are taking front and center now.

It hurts.  It hurts me physically.  I hurts me emotionally.  It hurt my soul.

Anxiety sucks.

Progress

Today is Friday!  Yeah, happy Friday.  Tomorrow we are having A's 4th birthday party at Build a Bear and then the kids are coming back to our house for pizza and cupcakes.  I have a LOT to do tonight...hope Hubby is up for the challenge.

Wednesday I was down, depressed, in a funk...near tears...you name it.  It was PMS....I could feel it building......but my mom called in the afternoon and I finally told her what was wrong...she could sense something anyways.

I talked to her about my brother.  We yelled, I cursed, I cried.  I slammed my office door.  But we got it out. 

Wednesday night I finally worked up the courage to talk to dear hubby about it.  And ya know what?  It didn't go all that badly.  He still doesn't want to see them....doesn't want to partake in Thanksgiving...however, if my brother and I can talk face to face and I can show to my brother and explain to him how much his words really did hurt and the damage that he did with them....then dear hubby might reconsider.

Hubby said that in hindsight, he's not really surprised by my brother's comments.  That my brother seems to live in a "perfect" world and not many people live up to his standards.  My mother has also told my brother and sister in law that their expectations of others is impossible.

I also asked hubby to join me in my latest counselling session and he agreed.  Yes, I am seeing a counselor....primarily because of this but also to try to deal with my general anxiety issues.

I have sent my brother and email and called him on my cell today requesting to speak to him face to face.  Iguess we'll see what happens.  The ball is in his court now.

I still get very anxious about this situation.  I loose my appetite....break out in hives....all that fun stuff....but I got what I needed to off my chest with my mom and with my hubby.

Thanks.

Have a great weekend.

Kristen

Lost

Do you ever just feel lost?  Like you have no idea where you are going or what you are going?

That's how I feel right now. 

Right now I'm on the verge of tears because I just don't know what to do anymore.

About what?

About everything.  And yes, perhaps I'm being a bit dramatic.

I'm lost on how to deal with G when she's obviously tired from school yet back talks me.  I try to be understanding with her but on the other hand, I will not tolerate balk talk from a 6 year old.

I'm lost on what to do when my temper gets away from me like it did last night and I yelled at the girls and made them cry.  Which then sent me into tears.

I'm lost on how to talk to my husband about the baby thing.

I'm VERY lost on how to talk to my husband about my brother.

I think the brother thing has me very upset right now.  J's reaction to my brother's last email was so ANGRY so almost over the top that I am honestly scared to speak to him about it again.  Scared.  Scared to speak to my husband about my brother because I can not handle that sort of reaction from him again.

Isn't that a bit pathetic?

I took the girls to my niece and nephew's party by myself.  I didn't think it was a big deal, it's not like it's never happened before.  No one asked where J was.

But then my cousin and my sister in law start talking about Christmas and exchanging gifts and my sister in law basically says that maybe we should skip it this year.  So I questioned her about getting together with my mom and us like we usually do and I get an email back from her this morning saying something to this effect "E and I assumed that since J didn't come to the kids party at our house that a smaller setting would be uncomfortable and maybe we should just skip it this year".

Honestly, this makes me sick. Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick.

Why?  Because deep down I am still pissed at my brother.  I'm not necessarily pissed at everything he said, just the way he decided to communicate it.  And the fact that in some cases, he stuck his nose into matters he had no business doing so.

And because of that...he ruined a lot of things.

I'm not perfect.  J isn't, my girls aren't.  But, thank you very much, I don't need my brother sending me an email pointing that sh!t out to me.

I am trying.  I went to the party and felt like I was being watched the entire time.  I think deep down, I will always feel like I am being judged by them.  And that stings. 

Now I know how they truly feel about me and my family.  And it hurts.

There will always be a scar there.  Always.  And it runs deep.

But I am trying.  The fact that Christmas will now change and effect the kids....that hurts.

the fact that I am scared to speak to my husband about how I feel because I don't want to see or deal with his reaction....that hurts.

It still hurts.

And therefore, I am lost.

Friday Fumblings

Yeah!  It's Friday.  It's beautiful here despite the rain we  got this morning.

So, I'm not even really sure why I got my hopes up about being pregnant on my own.  I mean, it just ain't gonna happen.

And hubby and I haven't even made a decision on it yet.  We did have a very good discussion about it last week but no decision has been made...even tho I really want/need to know now.

After speaking with my therapist last night about it, I've come to this conclusion......

My family is perfect and complete right now.  I love my family and I would be happy to keep it just the way it is now. 

HOWEVER, there is room in my heart to welcome another member into this family and if that's what we decide...then I'll be happy.

It's just the waiting...ya know? 

I'm going to be 40 and not that 40 is old.....and I have no problem being 40 and being pregnant but I never saw myself as being 40 and getting pregnant.  Does that even make sense?  And does it really matter?  There are wonderful women out in the world who are 40 and pregnant.  Why can't I be one of them?

Work is going......most days there isn't enough to keep me busy all day, which is frustrating.  But it's a job I can do and my boss is really cool.  He comments on my Facebook postings and yesterday we played Wii Bowling and some Wii baseball.

I'm in the market for a pair of comfortable shoes to wear on the weekends...something I can walk around the mall in or aroun the zoo or whatever.  Bad shoes just suck.  They can ruin your day.  So, I'm looking for a good pair, willing to spend around $75 since I will wear them to death on the weekend.  Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I need a new haircut.  I've decided to let the front grow and keep the back short.  But the front is short that it has been in months and completely layered.  I hate it.  It looks like crap.  And I want it grown out NOW!  Gee, I don't have a problem with patience do I?

I'm trying to convince John that we should slowly start work on the basement.  I think we should get an electrician in to work on the electical panel and then get a quote on how much it would cost to have the basement framed out.  We know we want to finish it....hell, I've already got it planned out in my head...so, let's do it...slowly.

I'd also like to get a quote to find out how much it would cost to have our master bedroom repainted.  I know it's something we can do ourselves but we really just don't have the time.  And the person is an aquaintance so I have no problem leaving him in the house to do it.  then John and I can do the molding ourselves maybe but if the painting could be done....it would help.

I know...a lot of stuff going on.....and in all this mixture, John has a new job and he's still working his old one and it's causing him stress.  Plus, next week he has to go out to PA (about a 2.5 hour drive) and then to KY later in the week.

Well, I should probably get back to work.

Have a nice day.

PMS sucks

big time

nouf said

Nope

nouf said.

Hoping

Ben,  this is NOT a post you should read

Today is cycle day 24....usually by now I have started to spot.  I haven't.

This past weekend my boobs hurt so bad that if G or A leaned on them, I was in tears.

Should I be so bold as to hope?

Today I'm moody.  Very moody.

I would love to hold out hope that maybe, just maybe....my body did something right this time....but it's getting harder and harder and harder.

I've only ever gotten pregnant once without medical help.  That didn't go too well.

Maybe, just maybe...

But probably not.

Stuff

We have entirely too much stuff.  And every once in a while is stresses the CRAP out of me.  We do purge probably every 6 months, things that are in the basement....the last time being in April when the basement was being jackhammered to death.

But there is still a lot of stuff to purge...and I have that urge, the URGE to PURGE.  There are tubs of baby toys....there are tons of baby items.  My girls have too many toys to even know what to do with.  And with their birthdays and Christmas coming, they will be getting even more.  And that scares the crap out of me.

I'm part of the problem.  I have a hard time letting go. 

What if we have another baby?  Then we'll need the highchair, and the bobby pillow, and that seat thingy and this and that.  We'll need toys and the pack n' plays (yes, we have two)...I have numerous strollers.....a crib that has been recalled (tho I think I can get a part to "Fix" it".

I need to teach myself AND my girls that more isn't always better.  That there are people, children out in the world who have woefully less, if not, nothing, compared to them.

Letting go is just so hard for me.

If we are ever going to finish that basement...the crap needs to go...and the sooner, the better.

Photos

This weekend hubby and the girls and I went to Bushkill Falls in the Poconos.  It was a LONG two hour drive each way but it was a beautiful fall day

I wanted to share some pictures.

I spent some time last night editing the pictures using Picasa but apparently it didn't save the edited images back to my hard drive.  Oh well.  These aren't that bad.

Between hubby and I we took over 400 pictures.

Wasted Opportunities

I was laid off from work in November of  2009.  I went back to work on August 30, 2010.  That's what?  About 9 months.  And looking back, I feel as tho I wasted the time I had off.

At first I was sick...then it was take time to get ready for the holidays.
In February I got my real estate license.

Still.....I read only 6 or 7 books and two of those I read twice (the Twilight series).
I made one pair of curtains.
I did take alot of pictures but feel that I should have taken more.

Why didn't I sew more?  Or read more?  What is my excuse?  I have no idea...but now that I'm back to work, I wish I had done more with that time I had off because now that I don't have the time, I am wishing that I did.

I didn't sew because I'm afraid to cut the material on my own and I couldn't get my mom to help me.

I didn't read more...well, I don't know.

I had quiet time for 8 hours a day for a long stretch of time before I took the girls out of daycare two and then three days a week.

I could have painted the bedroom like I wanted.

Don't get me wrong...I did do some things.....

I painted the rocking chairs on the front porch.

I painted the lamp post.

I filled in the nail holes in the molding.

But guess what? 

The bedroom has still not been painted.

The molding isn't even painted and still needs caulk to fill in some gaps.

There is a stack of books waiting to be read.

There are pillows looking for new covers.

I wish I could get some of that time back and do those things I didn't do.

Monday Morning Moody Mumblings

It's Monday.

I'm moody (and no, I'm not PMSing)

And I'm going to mumble.

I can't find two rubbermaid containers that have my fall/winter clothes and pajama's in them.

I went shopping yesterday with a purse full of coupons and bought myself NOTHING!

It's cold and rainy.

My daughter told me yesterday that she hated me and today told me I was mean to her.  :(

My hair...............nouf said.

I'm bored at work.

Wonders...if an important decision is so hard to make....is it the right decision?

I can't have the door in my hallway to the attic.  :(

I really want to finish the basement

I really want to paint the bedroom.

I miss my cleaning lady.

I might need to start looking for a new job and I just started this one.

I have baby on the brain.

I'm scared to talk to my hubby about my brother again...his reaction the last time was so EXTREME.

I'm tired.

I want to go home and clean and organize and find my clothes.

I miss my Smokey bear

I feel like crying

I'm in a mood, and it's Monday.

Getting to know me

• I'm almost 40 (GASP)
• I look like I'm 32
• I'm left handed
• I married someone from my HS tho we didn't date in HS, in fact, I dated his best friend
• I want a tattoo but I'm too chicken
• I'm terrified of heights
• I don't know what I want to be when I grow up
• I miss my dad
• I studied Political Science, History, and Russian Studies in college
• I speak some Russian
• I was once in a photo that was featured on the inside cover of a NJ publication
• I've lived in Mobile, Alabama
• I can't watch men shave on TV
• I don't do throwing up (on TV or in person) well at all
• I'm seeing a therapist
• I try to be creative
• I wish I were more creative
• I love to read historical novels
• I bite my nails and my daughter bites her nails
• I'm very insecure
• I want to have another baby
• I'm not perfect
• My marriage isn't perfect
• My house isn't perfect
• My children aren't perfect
• I have smoked about one pack of cigarettes in my life
• I dated someone who did drugs in college
• I've messed up, a lot
• I have an active real estate license
• I've been to Greece
• I hated Cancun
• I secretly dream of moving to the mid West (not really sure why)
• My mom and I talk on the phone several times a day
• I played softball in grade school and HS
• I love my children more than I can say.
• I'm still pissed at my brother
• I should probably get back to work
• I don't drink much soda at all. 
• I can't text to save my life
• I LOVE Jon Bon Jovi

Control Freak, OCD, nut job...you name it

I have a feeling I'm a control freak.  Or I suffeer from OCD...or I'm just a certifiable nut job....and believe me, I mean these references to myself in the nicest way possible and I mean no disrespect to those out there who might actually suffer from any of these disorders.

So, you are now asking why I call myself such things.  Well....because something just send.me.over.the.edge.  Not all the time......but sometimes.

For instance....hubby and I have a habbit of dumping EVERYTHING onto our kitchen countertops.  I mean EVERYTHING.....lunch boxes, papers, stuff, crap, you name it.   We don't have really any other spot for it.  And I can hadle it for a day or two.....but then I.just.loose.it.  The other day hubby decided to finally cut up some fruit.  He put a cutting board down...right next to all the papers and crap that were spread out....and it just drove.me.insane.  I piled up all the papers and plopped them on the dining room table. Yes, I'd rather they be there then on my countertops.

Furthermore, I CANNOT STAND IT, when hubby takes meat out to defrost and leaves it (albeit on a plate) but on the side of the kitchen where the stove ISN'T.  Does that make sense.  In my mind, the meat should defrost on a plate on the stove.

The girls art bin was a mess....it's a rolling drawer thing with three drawers and it was a mess.  So, I rolled it into the kitchen and cleaned it out.  Hubby just looked at me.

The playroom stresses me out. 

I look at the weather forecast the night before and pick out the girls clothes before they go to bed. 

My house is by no means antiseptic clean and tidy.  I wish it were.  But it's not.  And for the most part that doesn't bother me.   It's just occassionally.....it makes.my.head.spin.around.like.the.exorcist.

This is the main reason why hubby is hesitant to give the green light on baby #3. 

So call me what you may...controll freak, OCD, nut job, certifiable.

Edited to add that I MUST make the beds in the morning.  It completely stresses me out to go upstairs and see that the beds aren't made.

Monday Mumblings

My precious kitty Smokey passed away this weekend.  He was about 17 years old.  My first "baby".  I will miss him terribly...tho I am happy to know he is resting peacefully now.

Came up with a brillant plan to put a door way into our attic in the garage at the top of the stairs on the second floor.  Can't wait to have that done.  Can't wait to see how long it will take.

My milk in my cereal tastes funny.

I don't want to be at work today.

I have 4 inch heels on today and I've forgotten how to walk in them.

Discussed the basement finishing this weekend.

Need new windows

If only money grew on trees.

Discussed the baby thing again.  No decision yet.

If a big decision is this difficult to make, does it mean it's not the right decision?

I look good today if I do say so myself.

My only quiet time this weekend was grocery shopping.

I need to clean

I can't find all of my Halloween decorations.

I actually told G this weekend "You don't have to love me, I'm your mother."

Have I mentioned that the milk in my cereal tastes funny?  Guess I won't be eating my cereal.

Today is a good day to go home and clean.

Or crawl back into bed and get some more sleep...except that I could never do that.

Tho it would be a good day to read a book.  What's a book?  I can't remember.  Oh wait, I read Chicka Chicka Boom Boom last night and If you give a pig a party.  Do they count?

Two more blog posts in the works but need to do some work.

Forgive and Forget

As you may recall, back on July 5 my brother send me a rather nasty, judgemental email...which completely crushed my spirit and pissed off hubby to no end.

I emailed him back the next day...proclaiming that I wasn't perfect as he makes his life out to be.....apologized for things I was in the wrong about and asked him to no stick his nose in business where it didn't belong.

I never heard from him.  I did hear thru my mom (after asking her) that my email to him pissed him off.  To which his wife asked him "What did you expect after your email to her?"

I emailed my brother several weeks ago...telling him that I needed to know if this was the end of our relationship....that he was my brother and I loved him.....but he needed to accept me and my family for what we are.  We aren't perfect.  We won't ever be...but we love each other.

I never heard back.  Turns out I had the wrong email.

I finally heard back from him yesterday.

This is his email:

"The point of my email was to clear the air and make for a better relationship, sometimes that requires a difficult discussion.  In no way did I intend to hurt you.  IN hindsight, some of my comments were judgemental and I should have kept them to myself but the majority of the issues directly affected our relationship as the impacted the quality of the time that we are together.  It is none of my businss to tell you how to parent your children or interact with your husband, but when your problems spill out into everything else, it makes it difficult to be around you.

I don't want this to go on any longer than you do and I hope that we can put this behind us and talk more honestly in a respectful way if things come up in the future".

So....what do you think?  It sort of sounds like an apology.  But now that I read it.....I still feel that his original email did more harm that good.  That he could have chosen a different venue to voice his concerns.

Hubby wants NOTHING to do with my brother or his wife any time soon.

I'm torn.  He's my family.  I don't want to abandon that.  But in some respect, I'm still hurt.   I think I'm also afraid that any time I see him that he will be critiquing my every move and silently making comments to himself.

I know that to forgive is divine...and I want to.......but do I let him know....that he needs to choose his methods more carefully.....because he almost ripped his family apart?  Or do I just keep it to myself...and try to move on?

And what do I do about hubby?  I don't want to disrespect him...but he doesn't feel that my brother made much of an effort at all.

:(

Ramblings

I have several posts in my head....the titles of which are written on a piece of paper.  Their titles are:

Control Freak
Forgive and Forget
Wasted Opportunities

I am too tired to write about them now.  I haven't slept well in the past few nights.  A was up crying until 10:45 last night.

Today was a busy day.  My friend Kelly came over to watch the girls around 10 so I could get my haircut and go to the warehouse store to replace the meat I lost when the freezer door didn't close all the way the other day.  After they left, I noticed that my Smokey Bear, my beloved cat of almost 17 years, isn't doing well.  He isn't walking well, he peed on the basement stairs.  I really thought today might be his last day with us.  I got upset...and started to cry.  G asked if Smokey was dying....what could I say?  I told her yes...he was.  I didn't think he'd die THIS minute but that we have to prepare ourselves that someday in the very near future, Smokey will die.  She started crying and I cried more. 

We had to leave to go to a birthday party.  A party I didn't want to go to.  A pool party on Sept 17.  Albeit, a heated pool but still.  I had made the decision that the girls weren't going to go in b/c G has a cold ( or allergies or something) but it was so hot there that I changed my mind.  There was also a moon bounce.  Needless to say, the girls had a BALL.

But I'm tired.  We got home, showered....and G and A are sleeping.  I've had my tea, I'm surfing the net, watching Art Wolfe Travels to the Edge.  I am getting ready for some ice cream and then possibly shower and then bed.

Tomorrow we are off to church..the girls to Sunday School and me to the staff the nursery.  We need to go to the library as well.

I need hubby to come home.  I'm tired.  VERY VERY VERY tired.

someday soon I will post on my other topics.

Why is this so hard?

I have baby on my brain again.  EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.

I do...it's like an illness.  I held a 4 month old this weekend and ugh....I just want another one so badly.

And then things happen and I wonder if it's really a good idea.

Like...Friday night...we had movie night with the girls.  And we let them stay up late...it was almost 9pm before they went to bed.  And they were tired.  And they whined.  And John got angry.  And G and A disintergrated into tears.  I think this goes back to managing expectations.  What should I expect from G and A at 9pm after a long day of kindergarten with no rest and A with no nap at daycare.  Maybe we need to pick shorter movies.  Personally, I don't think I should expect much from G & A at that time....but we did and it didn't end well.

Something happened last night too.....can't quiet remember....but every time me or hubby looses our temper with the girls...it makes me think that adding another baby to the mix isn't a good idea. 

And that makes me sad.  Very very sad. 

I want the decision made....either way...and i want it made now.  I'm tired of thinking about it.  If it's no...then it's no and we get rid of all the baby stuff in the basement and I move on.

If it's yes, then in two weeks I go back to IVF NJ and start the proceedure to do IVF. 

Why is it so hard?

Managing expectations

I think hubby and I have a difficult time managing/controlling our expectations of G and A.  I mean...they are, after all, only almost 6 and almost 4......and for the most part they aren't really all that bad....but sometimes.they.just.push.all.of.our.buttons.

I'm not even sure that I can give any examples right now.

I mean, kids whine right?  Am I to expect that they won't?  Or that they will stop whining when I ask them not to?

However, when I ask G or A to get dressed, I do fully expect them too.  Same with brushing their teeth.

But many times I think we expect too much from them.  I think we forget they they get tired and hot just like we do....

This post is deteriorating...I had it written in my head days ago and now I've forgotten more of it.

But tell me, how do you manage your expectations of your children?

Random thoughts

• It's 8:53 on Thursday night
• I'm sick and tired of having my period and bleeding for 5 days straight
• Cramps SUCK!!!
• I'm dealing with Grace going to kindergarten very well.  I cry every time I think about it (damn it...there I go again).
• I want to have another baby
• I emailed my brother and I haven't heard from him.  I'm not sure what that means.
• Halloween costumes are outrageously expensive
• I have ALMOST survived my first week of work
• I almost quit my new job yesterday
• I had a MAJOR meltdown last night...epic.....the girls put on a puppet show to try to cheer me up.
• It's 9:05 and Grace is still up.
• I am Uptight and I hate that about me
• For some reason I'm watching Ella Enchanted
• I need to do something different with my hair...it's not working for me any more.
• Why am I watching Ella Enchanted?
• I wish I weren't so uptight
• Good night.

Can't stop crying

I have no idea why I can't stop crying today.  But I can't.  UGH, I'm a mess.

I got the offer for the interview I went on the other day...and I can't turn it down.  I just can't.

But I was hoping to be able to see Grace off to school every morning on the bus and I won't be able to b/c the bus will pick her up at 8:30 and I have to be at work at 8:30...so now she'll have to do the Extended Day Program before and after school and that kills me.  It really does.

I'm crying because I will be working until 5 and then either John or I will have to get the girls and then dinner.......I don't want to go back to that stress again.

But I don't have a choice.

It's change...big change for me all happening at once. 

I hate change.

And I'm crying.

Just when I thought I had this all figured out

Just when I thought I had this all figured out, this "life" thing...ok, well not really all figured out because no one ever has it all figured out...but I was really starting to enjoy the way things were going lately with the girls and all.....things MIGHT up and change.

I say MIGHT because I don't know but you know me, I have to stress about it now.

I had a job interview today for well, a job I don't really want but need.  And rumor (I know the CEO on Facebook) has it, I'm going to get the offer.  I don't know what the "offer" entails, but apparently, I'm going to get it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful but...I was hoping things could stay status quo for a while longer.  But we need the money, I NEED the job...a. job that I really don't want.  And I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that I will get stuck in a job that I don't want/like for another 10 years like my last one.

I'm afraid that I will never figure out what kind of job will actually make me happy and pay me money.

I'm worried about Grace and kindergarten and how she will adjust to not only it but now before and after care.

I've been in a routine lately and I'm scared to change it.


This is change on many different levels and I don't like it.

Starting to get the hang of things

For the past few weeks...things seem to be "coming together".

While it's getting more difficult financially, me not having a job and all, I feel I am becoming a better parent.  I am spending great quality time with my girls and I'm starting to love it.   Don't get me wrong, it's not that I've never loved spending time with them, but I'm really LOVING it. 

When I worked full time, weekends were spent doing laundry, changing sheets, doing things that couldn't be done during the week.  We never had fun.

Now we are and I'm so glad I have the opportunity to do this before Grace starts kindergarten in a few weeks (crap, I'm crying just thinking about it).

I've become a better mom and a better person.  I'm actively working on my patience and I think this has been a good tool for me.  It's not all sunshine and roses every day.....but there has been a lot less yelling from me and a lot more smiles and hugs and kisses.

I'm so blessed to have this opportunity.

thinking out loud

Right now, I am seriously getting pregnant again just so I don't have to deal with my monthly "bill" for the next 10 months.

Kinda puts another tick on the "have another kid" list.

I'm not perfect, no I'm not

It appears I'm stealing song lyrics again..this time from Laurie Berkner...but I don't care because "I'm not Perfect, no I'm not".

I'm still overwhelmingly upset about my brother's email to me.  My heart starts racing and tears well up in my eyes when I think about it.  Not necessarily the words but the tone...which is odd because you can't really hear a tone in an email...but I did.  And man was it bitter.

His email wasn't all wrong.  John and I did embarass him and others by fighting on the beach and I did yell at the girls to stop whining (which was exactly what I was doing)...and I'm bothered by that.  I'm almost sickened to think about how I must have sounded to my family surrounding us.

I have called my cousins and tearfully apologized to them.  I have spoken to my mother about things that my brother wrote and while she agreed with some of them (John and I fighting)...she is also upset with my brother about how he handled it and other things he called out.

John and I don't have a perfect marriage.  Do you?  We fight....alot.  We have problems with communication.  But we are working on it.  Unfortunately, we seem to fail alot when we are with my family and I don't understand the basis of that.  But I have promised my mother and John and I agree, that we will not go to the beach or another family function either at all or together if we are having issues.

I have also been struggling with deeper issues lately.  For about the past 8 months my PMS symptoms (the emotional ones) are SEVERE.  I fly off the handle for no good reason.  UGH, I'm tearing up just thinking about incidents in the past.  I'm working on getting help for that.  I also constantly feel like I'm on edge.  does that make sense?  It's not fair to anyone around me...but I don't just want to go on medication (tho I am willing) without talking to someone.  My GYN is ready to write an RX but I want to talk to someone as well.

THe past few days with John and the girls have been great.  I'm working on my patience.  I really am.

But I don't know what to do about my brother.  I wrote him an email back.  I told him that I'm not perfect and that I was sorry and that some of the harshness he spouted was just an issue for him not others (he told me I was rude for not providing food for my family and my mom when we go down when in fact, I do bring things and my mom doesn't expect it).  But that his own thing.

John, on the other hand is PISSED.  Not only did my brother diss me...but he dissed my family...and he has every right to feel that way.

My mom says to give my brother some time and then call and try to talk on neutral territory.  But John is against that.

UGH.....what do I do?  My brother says he won't apologize and honestly I feel that in some sense he does.  He has a right to his opinion but the way he chose to voice it was just so wrong.

But he's my brother and I love him.  I'm pissed at him....VERY VERY pissed at him but............

I just can't cry anymore.

Crushing words

I received a physically and mentally crushing email from my brother yesterday that has left my sick to my stomach and emotionally devastated.

Apparently my brother feels that I am a horrible parent, horrible daughter and a horrible wife.  So much so that he has to put all of his pent up feelings in an email that crushed me.

He called out my parenting skills, I embarrassed him and the rest of my family and I'm a horrible daughter.  I'm selfish and inconsiderate to my mom and everyone around me.

Life must be so beautiful from his ivory tower looking down on all his subjects below him.  Pity the fools who doesn't fit into his perfect marriage, with his perfect wife and his perfect childre.

I have no idea where this leaves us.  But he doesn't want to be around me or my family.

My husband is livid.  Furious.  Disgusted that my own brother would be so cruel to me and call him out as well.

What do I do?  I'm sick to my stomach...I can't stop crying. 

To-Do List

My to-do/wish list is getting bigger and bigger.....

We still have to finish the back of the house after installing the sliding door in the dining room.
Paint the new siding (must match paint color)
Finish molding in the downstairs
clean out playroom
clean up dining room
paint master bedroom
finish the basement (with what money, i'm not sure)
clean up the office
fix up/clean up deck

There is probably more but that's all I can think of at the moment.

Off to take something out for dinner, empty the dishwasher, load the dishwasher and vacuum the downstairs.

See ya,

Kristen

Can Patience be taught?

If so, can I sign up for as many classes as possible?

I wrote a post on patience back in September but it's much more relevant today.

See, the girls are home with me now three days during the week and let's face it, I'm their primary care giver during the weekend as well.

There are some mornings when five minutes after they get up....I've completely lost my patience with the girls.  Isn't that sad?  I mean, really, did they really do anything THAT bad to set me off?

They are both in the whining phases and try as I might....I can not ignore the whining and it grates on my EVERY.SINGLE.NERVE....EVERY.LAST.ONE.OF.THEM.

Today has been an exceptionally whiny day. 

How am I going to do this SEVEN DAYS A WEEK?

How am I going to add another baby to this mixture...there by multiplying the whining by three?  That's where I think I'm nuts.

So, does anyone have any tried and true lessons on teaching patience?  or am I doomed to fail?

Ramblings

I'm not sure what to call this post so I'll just call it "Ramblings".  It's my blog, I can call it anything I'd like.  Right?

So....the family went on vacation last week...we drove to Pawley's Island, SC.  What a fun drive.  NOT.  Ugh, it's so long.  To be honest tho, the girls did pretty well....and the trip down only took 12 hours.  The trip back, 13.  No major health issues tho Ava did develop a croupy cough on day 1 and Grace had a bad reaction to a mosquito bite.  And then there was me.  For some reason eating out in SC doesn't agree with me.  John and I let his parents take care of the girls while we went out one night.  I had fried shrimp and some hush puppies and didn't even finish a glass of wine.  John and I split his desert.  Sometime in the middle of the night I started with heart palpitations and stomach issues.  I thought I was going to get sick.  I actually had to take an entire Xanax just to "calm down".  I'm not really sure what that was all  about.  But it wasn't fun....that's for sure.

The in-laws weren't all that bad this time around tho my father in law still teases Grace incessently.  She doesn't understand what he's doing but I hear it.   Grrrr.

Let's see, what else is there to talk about......

We have decided to take the girls out of daycare another day during the week.  So G and A will be home with me on M, W, and F.  Tuesdays and Thursdays now I have to devote my days to finding a regular paying job.  Either the market sucks or I'm not really good at the real estate thing.  Probably a combination of both.  I'm not a good sales person...never have been, never will be.  And because PA unemployment has denied me unemployment benefits for having a real estate license and I'm not making any money doing the real estate thing...I have to find a job.  YUCK.  You have no idea how sad that makes me.   I really don't want to go back to work but the fact of the matter is...we can't survive on John's income alone.  :(

We are also still discussing the third baby thing.  Yes, you heard right.....we are considering it...tho it scares the crap out of me.  I had an IUI two months ago that didn't work...not that I really expected it to...plus, last month we timed things pretty well but the witch followed me to SC (b!tch).

We were full on board going right onto IVF but I'm getting cold feet.  I'm scared about how it will change our family.  I'm scared about my lack of patience with the girls and the frustration levels I have with them and John and the house.  We still have about two weeks left to decide if we want to start this next cycle or we can wait....however, we kind of need to make a decision.  See, John's insurance covers IVF at the moment.  And even, God forbid, he looses his job, he retains his medical insurance for the length of his severance.  However, if he, or I get a new job, there are no guarantees (and it seems pretty iffy) that any insurance would cover IVF again.

So, this is what has been weighing on my mind lately.  Heavy stuff huh?

Stealing a line from Carly Simon

I'm so Vain.  Yup, I admit it.  I'm vain.  I like looking nice....I can't go out of the house with no makeup on or my hair not washed and dried.  I've tried rolling out of bed, putting on a baseball cap and taking the girls to school....but I can't.  People ask me if I'm not feeling well.  I just can't do it.

I like looking nice.  I like when people compliment me on how nice I look.  I used to like getting dressed up for work.....skirts/dresses and high heels and see the reaction of the men I worked with.

Does that make me bad?  Is being vain bad?

It's not like I spend alot of time at all of this.  I get up, shower, shave, put my makeup on, do my hair.  I'm done in an hour or less.

Last summer I finally got comfortable wearing a two pieceon the beach and ya know what?  I didn't look all that  bad in it.  This summer I bought a new one but truth be told...I'm not sure I'm going to wear it.  Since I've been laid off I feel I've gained some fattage around the middle section that I'm not comfortable with and definately not comfortable showing off at the beach.

However, I can't seem to find the time or the motivation to exercise.  And I like my M&M's too much.  What's a girl to do?

There is no way that I will go on the beach feeling about my body, the way I do now.  Not going to happen.  I'm reading a magazine now and wishing I looked like the models in it. 

Last weekend when  stressing about going to a friends pool for the afternoon....my husband said that I look very good for a woman pushing 40 (AACK) whose had two kids in the past 5 years.  Thanks honey, I love you for that but I'm still not comfortable with this gut sticking out.  Go ahead, call me nuts...call me vain.

Now, in my own defense...I'm not one of those who won't go outside because she has a huge pimple on her chin (tho I will be mortified).  In fact, my chin it dotted with little bumps I can't seem to make go away.  But you will never catch me out without foundation (or powder), blush, eye shadow, liner and mascara.  I don't care about lipstick and most times my nails aren't done but..............

So, I'm so vain and yes, I think this song is about me.

Kristen's Lemonade Stand

Sale! Sale! Sale!  Lemonade $0.25 a cup!!!! 

Isn't that what you are supposed to do when you have too many lemons?  Make lemonade?

Seems that life is handing me and my family too many lemons lately so I'm having a lemonade sale.

So, ya know I lost my job in November.  No biggie right?  I was collecting unemployment.

In February I decided to get my real estate license to try to make some money.  Wow, who knew you had to spend so much money to make money?

In April I called unemployment to inquire how much money was left in my account and to see if I was eligible for Pres. Obama's extension.   I found out I was!  Great...and then I go an open my mouth..."By the way, do you reimburse for real estate school?"  Um, you have a real estate license?  Are you affiliated with a broker?  Um, what do I do?  I tell the truth.  Well, you might not be eligible for unemployment benefits anymore.  So...a statement was taken and lo and behold...they cut my unemployment..and tell me I have to repay more that $2000.  WTF????  I'm not making any money at all.  I was planning on reporting any commission I did make.  So, I am appealing.

In the meantime, I have taken the girls out of daycare two days a week to help cut costs.  Sometimes I truly think I;m the worst stay at home mom.  I yell, alot.  And that makes me sad.  But, oh my god...the whining.  I can't take the constant whining!

On top of this...we take my car in for an oil change and to check the transmission.  Lately it seems to be slipping and the car will go from 40mph to 20 mph and the RPM's will run up to 4000.  So....after Honda has my car for 8 hours...and I call to check on it....I get "oh yeah, and you need a new transmission".  WTF?  UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH.

The dealership checked with corporate (or something) and because this is a problem with this model and because we have taken good care of the car, corporate is going to pay for  more than 1/2 of the new transmission.

But that still leaves us in a bind.  It seems no matter what we decide, we need to fix the car.  But do we keep it after it's fixed?  Do we trade it in?  Will we even get approved for a new car?  Or a certified pre-owned car? 

In the middle of all of this I did an IUI.  Yup, i know what you are going to say, I'm nuts.  And maybe we are.  But John and I both believe we want another child and while he still has health insurance to cover it...we were going to give it a try.  Well, it didn't work.  And now I"m not so sure moving on to IVF is a good idea.

John could loose his job this week....we'll be ok....he'll get 6 months of severance and he essentially has a job waiting for him with another company.    Or he might have a different job with the same company. 

I don't want to go back to work.  i really don't.  We are considering taking the girls out daycare full time.  And honestly, that scares the crap out of me!  it really does.  I'm not sure I can handle it.  But somethings gotta give.

So, who wants some of my lemonade?

Looking up

That's how I feel...that things are looking up.

Yes, at the moment, there are three guys jackhammering the crap out of my basement but....things are looking up.

We have decided to take the girls out of daycare two days a week (Tuesdays and Thursdays)...and that's what I wanted.  I will still be able to give the real estate thing a try and I can learn to love spending time with my girls.  I know that sounds harsh doesn't it.  I do love them...more than anything else in the world but I have a hard time spending time with them alone.  They stress me out and frustrate the crap out of me.  So, I'm looking at this experience to grow me and teach me patience.

They will still get the chance to go to school on Tuesdays for an hour for their cooking class (tho in theory I could just do that on my own as well but for now, I'll continue).  I have plans for story time, the zoo, picnics....Please wish me luck.

Secondly, Hubby and I have decided to go ahead with the IUI that is being offered with this clomid challenge I'm doing.  We figured...we have the coverage for it now...we will never regret having another child but will regret NOT having another child.  So...wish us luck with that as well.

So, the house sounds like it's coming down but things are looking up. 

Kristen

Doubting Thomas' Ramblings

Ok, so my name is Thomas but I am doubting and I am having a pity party....well, a mini pity party.  Really, I'm just questioning some decisions I've made recently and I am doubting them so much, I had a melt down in front of TJ Maxx with my mom this afternoon.  Lovely.

What am I doubting?  I'm doubting my decision to get started in real estate.  I'm doubting the money that I have already invested in this venture, the money I still need to spend in this venture to really get started, and the fact that I'm not making any money.  Nor am I guaranteed any money.

I went into the office this morning because I was supposed to meet with my mentor (as person to whom I have to give 25% of my first commission to for mentoring me) and well, he wasn't there.  He switched his floor time and forgot to mention it to me.   But it's ok because I met an acquaintance there and she took me to two Broker Tours/Open Houses.  UGH, these places and the asking price.

When I got back I was talking to one of the owners of the broker house I'm working for.....she asked if I still felt like a fish out of water and I said I did.  I don't have a desk, I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing.  She suggested i come into the office more regularly and it will help.  Ok...that's fine.  I'll go to the meeting tomorrow and I'll go into the office on Thursday.  I'm going to volunteer to do my first open house on Sunday...Holy CRAP.  I mean, UGH, I wish someone would come with me.  I'm terrified.  But I've got to do it some time right.

So...why am I rambling?  I don't know.  Up until November I was working full time for 10 years.  Don't get me wrong, I hated it but I knew that I had to go into work and what I was doing for 9 hours a day.  Now, I've been off of work for 5 months and not working...and I'm getting to like that too.

I'm not sure I want to give up my weekends with my family.  I know there is a lot of stuff that my husband wants to do around the house and he counts on me to occupy the girls so he can get them done.  But I won't be home on Sunday at all.  I mean, at all.  :(

I've been feeling guilty about keeping the girls in daycare this whole time too.  I've been home, why shouldn't I keep them home at least part time as well.

I'm not sure I want to work.  Does that make me a bad person?  Is that irresponsible to my family?  The one car has been paid off....if I take the girls out of daycare two days a week that would reduce our burden and Grace will be in kindergarten in the fall.....maybe I should take this time to enjoy them.  I've gotten really complacent about not doing anything.

I mean, I know part of that has to change because I can't just sit on the sofa in front of the tv and the computer all day long....it's not healthy and my waist is suffering for it but...really, I like the idea of not having to do that.

On the other hand, I really don't know if I have the patience to be at home two days a week with the girls.  And that alone makes me feel sad and pathetic. 

From that topic we move on to the thought of having another baby.  I don't know if AF is coming maybe next week but the mornings with the girls have not been going well at all.  And I'm thinking of adding one more to that chaos?  I'm nuts.  I should just be happy with what I have and move on....but I can't.

Ok...so before I go and cry again (which I will do when I discuss this all with hubby tonight)...I'm going to let this end.

Monday Mumblings

Lots of random thoughts running thru my head today.  Feeling sad (maybe because of the weather, ugh, it's crappy out), feeling overwhelmed, out of sorts.

I'm not really sure why I'm feeling sad...maybe that's not the word.  I do feel like crying but I think I'm just really completely overwhelmed.

I've been out of work 4.5 months.  Other than getting my real estate license, I've done very little to find another job.  I hate finance, you all know that...but this real estate thing SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF ME.  Real estate is for the self confident.  I'm not.  I completely lack self confidence.  Someone I worked with once told me  that I was the least confident person they ever met.  Nice.  And this was from a friend. 

I went to an Open House yesterday...I was forewarned about the agent I was going to sit with.  He's cocky and arrogant.  But I did learn how NOT to do some things. 

I went into the office today.....to drop my picture off for my business cards.  I met with one owner, who I know and the office manager.  They both assured me it takes some time.  I have to be disciplined...and I'm not sure I am.  I did do some things from our home office this morning...but I need to come up with a contact list of people that I know and then send them some information.

I've gotten very complacent sitting around doing nothing for the past four months.  I try not to go out and shop because then I spend money.  I do feel guilty about keeping the girls in school while I've been home the whole time.  Like I said, other than getting my license I haven't done much to find another job.  I did meet with career counselors but...........I just haven't figured out what I want to do/be.  I had an interview with HR at a local Pharmaceutical company...thru a head hunter....but I haven't heard anything back from them.

John and I are doing well.  We really are.  We are going to meet with the IVF doctors in a few weeks b/c I'm 1/2 convinced that they will tell me that even with IVF....having another baby will be next to impossible...and while that will make me sad...I want to know now, rather that deciding 6 months to a year from now that I do want to have another one and not being able to have one.  We still haven't decided that we are going to go ahead with having another one but we want to know if it's even in the cards.

We are having a problem with water in the basement.  We have water backing up around the foundation and three companies have given us estimates of $12,000...HOLY CRAP!!!!!

We are having a water issue with our landscaping as well.  The retaining wall on the side of the house is bowing and seperating.........and well.....ugh.

There are things that we would like to do with the house...finish the basement, convert the attic, fix the deck, new windows......but now that I don't have a steady income................well, that's all on hold...and John is concerned that my frustration with the house will continue to grow...and that adding another family member will only exasperate that.

So..there you have it........my Monday Mumblings.

Was so hoping

But not very optimistic.

About what?

About maybe being pregnant on my own....

But I highly doubt it.

Why?

Because....I can feel myself loosing control of my temper.

Ava is pushing EVERY.SINGLE.BUTTON I have right now and has been since I picked her up and I'm starting to loose control.

I'm beginning to think I might need to take my doctor's suggestion to heart and maybe start anti-depressants during this time of my cycle.

But I really was hoping.....

That maybe

Just maybe

Nature would be kind to me.

Mid week Ramblings

Ben....before you read this....think twice....there might be TMI for you.

MckMama has her stream of consciousness....and I have my Ramblings.  I've stolen 1/2 hour out of my day, which began at 5:00am....to type this up.

It's Thursday and it's snowing.....again, tho it's not as bad as I had imagined it would be at 2:20 in the afternoon.  Hubby stayed home from work and we didn't send the girls to daycare (I didn't want to have to drive in crappy weather to pick them up).  It's been a hard day for me thus far but I'll get to that in a minute.

I've been MIA for a few weeks and for that I'm sorry.  I took a Real Estate Class....it was an intensive two week class.....interrupted by two snow days and made up on a Saturday.  I took my class test on Monday and passed with flying colors.  I only needed a 70 to pass.  I am scheduled to take the NJ State Licensing Exam on March 3.  I'm not really nervous about that.  I'm more nervous about starting the work of being a real estate agent.

Truth be told.....I've enjoyed not having a job....almost too much...tho there is that lingering guilt about keeping the kids in daycare this whole time.

I think the having a third baby thing is on hold...most likely indefinitely at  this moment.  Hubby and I have some issues (namely communication) that we need to work on.  We both seem to think that adding another baby to the mix really won't help that issue at all.     We are considering seeing a marriage counselor.  I just haven't made the call.

We are scheduling date nights/days.  Our first one is supposed to be tomorrow night but I'm not sure if it's going to happen.  Depends on this storm.  We actually have them written on the calendar.

I scheduled an appointment with my primary care doctor for a complete physical.  They are going to send me a lab sheet so that I can have blood work drawn before my appointment.  I specifically asked for specific (specifically and specific huh?) tests to check my thyroid.  I wonder if that is causing some of the "things" I've been experiencing lately (irregular and heavy periods, irritability, lack of "you know what" drive, exhaustion.

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm depressed?  My irritability with the girls at times is starting to concern me and I just don't feel "happy" anymore.  It's like I'm always annoyed.  I tried anti depressants once and got sick and I don't really know how I feel about taking them again but something really seems off about me lately.  Tho they won't help the "you know what" drive thing at all (tho I did make an effort and I went to VS and bought something to try out and will try to make more of an effort on that front).  I know some of you do take them....and they help but for some reason I feel I should be able to work this out by myself but I can't.

I mentioned before that I'm having a difficult day today.....because I've been home all day with the girls and yes, even tho hubby has been home he's been working upstairs for a while.  I just don't know what to do with the girls on days like today.  I let them watch some tv but then turn it off for a while.  They made a picture for their aunt and did an art project...but Grace just doesn't know what to do without the tv and Ava doesn't even care if it's on.  They are clingy and whiny and just really getting under my skin.  I really dislike the winter for this reason.  I despise being cold and playing in the snow.  I'd rather have sand between my toes than snow any day.  At least during the summer we can go outside and play.

And yet, I feel guilty for coming upstairs and sitting in front of the computer while hubby is downstairs with them.  I was thinking about this this morning.......how I wish I had the patience to be a stay at home mom...or even a more comfortable weekend at home mom.  But I just don't know how to be.  Maybe it's the thyroid...or depression or I don't know.  But I never had that chance really and it saddens me that I don't know how to be a good "at home" mom to my girls.  I love them with all my heart and soul but I don't know how to be patient with them.  I have no patience.  And if I have no patience with two, what would happen to me with three?

This all saddens me.

And just so there is no mis-understanding.... I LOVE MckMama.

Mommy Guilt

The past few days I have been feeling a great deal of mommy guilt.....see, I've been out of work for close to 13 weeks.  And everyday I have taken the girls to daycare.  There is my mommy guilt. 

When I first got laid off John and I decided that we would leave the girls in daycare full time for the time being.  We would reasses come January.  January came and I had a job interview and I would hear the decision by the end of January....so we decided that we'd leave the girls in daycare until I found out one way or another.

Now I've decided to go to school and get my real estate license.  It's a two week full time course...so of course, I can't take them out of daycare now.

After I pass my license...I have an agency that is willing ot take me on.

When I got laid off everyone would assume that I'd take the girls out of daycare and they would be so happy and I would be so happy to spend more time with them.  And I feel like I disappoint them when I tell them that I'm still keeping them in school.

Most days I am out and about in the morning and sitting on my @ss all afternoon.  Then I go and pick the girls up.   And I think.....I should have kept them home with me.  What's my problem?

But they both do really well with structure and there is no structure here at home...totally my fault.

So, maybe I need to think about doing the real estate thing 4 days a week and keeping the girls out one day a week.  UGh, I don't know.

Weekends are so hard around here with John and the girls all home.  We fight and yell...all of us...it's usually not a good weekend.  Will be better when the weather warms up.....I really dislike the winter and being stuck inside.

I know this was a ramble....sorry but Mommy guilt sucks.

Scared

I've been on the verge of tears all day today and I haven't really been sure why....and then, while cleaning my house...it hit me.  I'M SCARED.  TERRIFIED.  PETRIFIED.

This real estate thing is so different for me.  And I'm scared.  And right now, that is paralyzing me with fear.  I can't make up my mind.  For me, it would honestly be easier for someone to say to me "Kristen, you are to become a real estate agent".  That is your purpose in life.

I'm also terrified of the concept of adding a new baby to the family. 

So, in summary, right now, life is scaring the CRAP out of me.

Yeah, fun.

Questioning

Today, I am questioning EVERYTHING....all the little decisions I thought I'd made in the past few weeks.

I recently made the decision to get my real estate license......and now I'm questioning that.  John brought up an "issue" today....the car.  We have two cars...both with two car seats.  That means in the mini van with the carseats in the middle row...if I don't have the back seat up...I have room for one.  If I put the backseat up then people would have to crawl thru the middle row to get to the back.  I guess what I' trying to say is, we don't have cars conducive to transporting people.  And we can't afford to buy a new car (nor do I think we need three cars).

Yesterday I told my mom what I was planning on doing....she was less than supportive.  Thanks mom.  Yes, I know that I might have to give up nights and weekends.....but her idea?  Why don't I find a job with a CPA during tax season....yeah, cause that's something that would make me happy and I wouldn't have to put in a sh!t load of hours doing that.  Sorry mom.....

And to be honest, I don't know HOW I feel about working nights and weekends.   Maybe I should just suck it up and get a 9 to 5 job.  Frick..........I just don't know.

Yesterday morning I had a BAD BAD BAD mommy morning.  I completely lost it with Ava....over her coat i think.....I I blew my stack again.  Ava was crying, I was crying, Grace was crying.   And all I thought was...."Am I really considering adding another child to this disaster"?  What the HELL am I thinking?

I've been out of work for 11 weeks....and I hate it and love it.  I hate being alone all day....I feel quilty for bringing the girls to school...I should be keeping them out with me (tho that's counter productive to looking for a job).  I love that I am not going to a job that I hate.  UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH.

So, for now...I'm questioning all my decisions.

Pictures

Thinking

I've been thinking about several things lately.

John and I went to the Musuem of Art in Philly on Monday.  I felt a tad bit quilty about leaving the girls in daycare but John and I don't have the opportunity to get out alone often so...since I was paying for daycare, might as well keep them in daycare.  After walking around some looking at the beautiful art (tho I have to admit, I don't "get" modern art....my girls can produce "art" that looks like what is being displayed)...we, well, I, turned to the topic that's been on my mind.......the baby topic.

i won't bore you with the details....we went back and forth...discussed our fears.....and I THINK we have decided to have another baby.  Now.....sshhhhh...don't go blabbing this around...please.  We haven't told anyone......and I know alot of people are going to think I'm nuts....especially after my last post. 

Don't get me wrong.....I know it will be a challenge and I am at times, terrified of this decision......but my gut tells me that my family isn't complete.

Now.....unfortunately, this isn't going to be easy.  It's not like I make a decision to get pregant and "poof" get pregnant.  I will need to go back to my reproductive endocronologist (sp?).  I will most likely need IVF.  And John wants to wait until I have a job to even start.  That part doesn't make sense to me.  Why not start now?, while I don't have a job and don't have to worry about being late for work and taking time off for procedures.  But....we'll see....we need to discuss some more.

The other thing I'm seriously thinking about it getting my real estate license.  I met with the mother of a Facebook friend yesterday...she is a high profile real estate agent in the area.  She was so encouraging to me...  Even if I decide NOT to do it full time...to have it under my belt can't hurt can it?  And John has been really encouraging as well.  He really believes I'd be really good at real estate and that it would make me happy.  It brings together my love of houses (if you don't know....I LOVE LOVE LOVE looking at house plans), interior decorating, and ya know, I've watched so much HGTV (House Hunters, Designed to Sell, Property Virgins) that I'm practically an expert.

So, again...please keep the first thing a secret and wish me luck on both!

Mish Mosh

I have alot of stuff rambling thru my brain right now...hence the title of my blog "Ramblings of a Stressed out Mom".

Let's see if I can make any sense of any of this.

I'm very upset with myself still from last Saturday.  What happened, you ask....well...Ava.....she was over-tired, cranky and just......ugh.  I punished her for some reason, sent her to her room...where she refused to stay.  I started yelling and I just couldn't stop.  I finally had to get John involved but she was hysterical, I was hysterical......I needed to get away.  I felt like running away.  Then I went downstairs and cried...and cried, and cried some more.  I was beyond hysterical.  Even now writing this, I'm so upset and disappointned with myself.  Whatever Ava did or didn't do...she didn't deserve that treatment from me.  It's dispicable.  It makes me feel sick.  Shouldn't I be able to control myself with a three year old?

It's just that Ava is testing my patience at all levels.  On a daily basis she is beligerant, hitting, pitching fits...etc.  She looses TV almost daily....which doesn't seem fair to Grace in the least bit...who has been great lately.

This then leads to the pang I'm feeling in my heart again about having another baby.  After last Saturday I was ready to get rid of all the baby stuff in the basement because there was no way I could parent another child after my behavior with Ava.

Why can't I find the patience to deal with children?  I feel like such a failure at times it's not even funny.  (Crap, now I have tears coming out).

My girls aren't bad at all.  They are five and three and for the most part behaving like children their age.  It's just sometimes I wish they could be better.  Believe me, I don't want Stepford children......but why can't I find the patience to deal with their "normal" behavior?

Part of me desperately wants another child.  Desperately.

I lost a baby.  Did you know that?  After a year of trying to get pregnant, we finally suceeded.  At our 20 week u/s (and the first we had had) I was more worried that the tech wouldn't be able to tell us the gender of the baby.  I never expected the news that we recieved.  I never expected to hear that my baby would never survive.  That it had a rare chromosonal abnormality and that my only logical option was to terminte.

However, if I look at it differently, if that hadn't happened, then maybe I never would have had Grace.  I love my Grace with all my heart and soul.  And maybe i never would have had Ava either...and while she is trying ever fiber of my being...I love her with all my heart and soul as well.

But part of me wants more.  I just don't think mentally I can do it.  It might just push me over the edge. 

However, I don't want any regrets in life as well.  I'm 39 and I can't get pg on my own.  Both Grace and Ava are IVF babies.  I don't want to be 45 and think "crap, I really should have had another".

But do I want to go thru IVF all over again?  And what if I go in for one more and come out with two or three?  UGH.

Plus the girls are finally at an age where I don't have to worry about feeding schedules, naps, diapers, formulas.  It makes going places easier.  Do I want to start over again?

I'm contemplating meds....but I really don't want to.  I feel I should be able to get thru this stress on my own.  Why can't God just grant me patience?  And why is the stress getting worse lately?  Is it b/c I'm jobless and just at a crossroads in my life and questioning my self esteem at the moment?

I don't know.

Career

I know I said this post was going to be about friends but...I've been out of work for like 8 weeks now...with one interview....so.....

I hate finance....really hate finance...but it's all I've done for the past 10 years.  

So, what does one do?

How do you look for a new career when you have no idea what you want to be when you grow up? 

I went to career counselling at my MBA Alma Mater......and I took some personality tests (I scored an INFJ, very close to an ENFJ and either I or ENSJ).

I also took a Strong Interst Inventory Profile and I'm a SEA (social, enterprising, artistic).

What does that mean?  That means that I'm drawn to the following careers.....teaching, social sciences, human resources, health care administrator, social worker, photographer, designer.

Now...I have expressed interest in teaching...I LOVE photography and I love interior design.  However, I'm not good at the last two to make any sort of money out of it.  It's mostly a hobby.  Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be a photographer like McMamma and others but I'm not.  I have more luck than talent.

Teaching does interest me but I'm scared.  Yup...scared.....what if I don't like it?  What if I'm not good at it?  How do i get started?  What ages would I teach?  UGH......

Hubby told me this morning that I have to really make a concerted effort to find a career/job.  And he's right.  I can't sit around the house anymore.  I don't have Christmas as an excuse anymore.  I don't have anything as an excuse.  I'm going to have to take the girls out of daycare at some point too.

So...how do I look for a job?  And a career?

Stress, my four letter word

Believe me, I know that stress isn't a four letter word...but it is to me.  It consumes me really.  I stress about everything.  EVERYTHING.

If one of my girls has a loose BM...I stress over stomach issues.  God forbid they throw up.  I'm practically getting sick there as well.  I can't deal with that.  Heck, reading posts on Facebook today about vomit...and I'm feeling queasy.

I am stressing over the interview I just had.  I've been out of work for 8 weeks and part of me doesn't want to find a job.  Maybe because part of me, correction, most of me doesn't know what I want to be when I grow up.  The other part is terrified of change.  It stresses me out.  It paralyzes me.  Hell, I've been in a job/career with the same company (as I just interviewed with) for ten years hating almost every minute of it...because the thought of change paralyzes me.

I LOVE my children....absolutely ADORE them.  i really do.  But I can feel my blood pressure start to creep up when I get them home from daycare.  Isn't that pathetic?  I think it is.  I try to make dinner...while they beg me to snuggle with them.  Or I hear them fighting and I try not to yell but......ugh.

On top of this I have been stressing over wether to have another baby.  Part of me desperately wants to have another baby.  But then the girls start fighting or Ava won't go to bed without a fight or John and I start snipping at each other....and I think....."you think you are stressed now...what would happen if you had another baby?"  I think it might just kill me.  (Don't worry I know it won't but it might just push me over the edge).

My house stresses me.  I haven't un-decorated from Christmas yet and that stresses me.  The though of doing it stresses me (not really sure why).  If there are papers on the countertop......now, not just one or two...but a bunch...I get stressed.  I stress easily.

I swear I'm a poster child for stress related heart disease.

I need to figure out how to chill out.  I really just don't know how.  I can't sit still for 5 minutes (ok, well sometimes i can).  I read a book yesterday......

Tomorrow's post?

Friends.

Happy New Year

I'm going to try something new here......I'm going to try to blog something everyday. 

So, today I'm going to introduce myself.

I'm Kristen....and this year I'll be turning 40.

I am married to John...have been for almost 12 years.  We've known each other since HS.  It's not a perfect marriage.....we have our ups and downs...but we are working on it.

I have two little girls.  Grace is 5 and shares my birthday.  She was a week late and after 12 hours of non progressive labor, she was delivered via C-section on my birthday...in the same hospital that I was born in.

Ava is 3 and a pistol.  She's like the last phrase in a Olivia book...."You really wear me out but I love you anyways".  That's what she does to me.  She wears me out.  Completely.wears.me.out.

I love my girls with my entire heart and soul....but they completely wear me out.  I feel stressed when I'm around them.  Their whining, fighting, constant demands...... Is that pathetic?

And on top of it all.....part of me wants another child.  Have I completely LOST MY MIND?

I was a full time working mom....and now.....well, I was laid off in November...from a good job...but a job that I've hated forever.....I worked for the same company for 10 years.

I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.  None, none what-so-ever.

So, I feel like I'm at a cross roads.

This year I want to use this blog to try to figure a number of things out. 

Will you help?