Sunday, October 18, 2009

I dream of peace

Not for the entire world (tho I do)...but right now, I dream of peace in my house, in my heart and in my head.

Today I am finding myself very much filled with stress and anxiety.  Not sure why...but I feel my chest tightening up and my blood pressure boiling.  Sad, I know...on a Sunday.  A "home" day as the girls call it.  And after church and all.

We've had terrible weather since about Thursday night.  A Nor'easter.  The girls have been locked up inside....with the exception of a trip to Target and Sunday School.

It seems that they are grating on hubby's every nerve....all I hear is him yelling at them.  That saddens me.

I've done so much this weekend...that I'm exhausted.  Almost contemplating a "sick" day tomorrow just to recouperate...but in light of the fact that I might be laid off at the end of the week.....probably not a good idea.

What have you done you ask?  Well, I've done about 15 loads of laundry since Friday...several of which still need to be put away.  I've empty and cleaned both the fridge and freezer.  I've come up with a list of like 15 things to eat over the next two weeks and made a list of things for hubby to get at the grocery store.

I've cleaned.  I've created crafty things for the girls to do.  And now I'm exhausted.  Done, beat, put a fork in me, I'm thru.

This is a bad time for hubby and I b/c when I start to feel like this....I get cranky and snappy and hubby takes the brunt of it.

And I'm disappointed in myself.  Why?  Because part of me desperately wants to add another baby to this family but how can I when I feel like this?  I mean, really?  Who am I kidding?  I can't do it.  I can't handle it.

I'm not even sure who I'm writing to out there...b/c no one reads this blog.  OH well...just for me I suppose.

Still need to get dinner on the table, help hubby with the baths, put laundry away, make lunches for tomorrow......clean up...and go to bed.

Let there be peace on earth...and let it begin with me (corny, I know...but it just popped out).

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Patience and Understanding

I have a problem with patience...more like I have very little patience.  I try...I really really do....but there are several things that just set me off.  Mostly when I'm tired...which is most of the time.  In the past month, I think I've slept thru the night twice.  Most nights I'm up once....many times twice a night (once with each of them).

When I'm tired...and stressed...I tend to snap.  I've been trying to work with my patience espeically dealing with Grace.  I try to use a soft voice...explain to her what she's doing wrong, etc.  And sometimes, I fail.  UGH.  I hate myself when that happens.

I wish I could take a class on patience.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Finally Friday

It's finally Friday (ok, well Thursday night but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel).

I'm very very tired.  I've been dealing with AF or some version of AF since Labor Day.  I thought I got AF on Labor Day...and I did for about 2 days..nothing heavy.  Then it disappeared for 3 days.  Then it came back....with AVENGENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Cramps, clotting.....bloating...everything.  That was last Thursday.  As of today, I'm still spotting.  Not too bad....but I'M STILL FRIGGIN SPOTTING!!!!  WTF?

It also seems to be having an effect on my mood.  I'm cranky and grumpy...and irritible.  Work is just.........ugh....the girls are grating on my nerves.  It's making the fact that my house is in utter disarray (and has been since the end of July) stress me out!!!!  It's eating me up.  I want it to go away.  If I'm still spotting by Monday, I will call the doctor.

We are still very much on the fence about baby #3.  Deep down I would really love to have another baby.  Midway down, I feel that it would destroy me.  John and I never find time to ourselves.  We are tired all the time...stressed to the max.  But I feel we would both like to have another baby.

Adding to that is the fact that my health insurance goes away in January and my new insurance won't cover IVF.  As you know, I can't get pg. without it.  Need to ask DH to find out if his insurance will cover IVF.

If that isn't enough, DH doesn't know if he will have a job in January.  To add insult to injury, I found out that my site will have reductions in force of about 4%...which doesn't sound like alot....however, when you only have 1000's a decent amount of people.

What to do?  What to do?  What to do?  No idea.

Tomorrow I am going to work for a few hours, getting a manicure and pedicure and coming home to paint trim.  Yes, I will put gloves on to save my manicure.  But I need to pitch in to paint in order to make some headway on the dining room this weekend.  The new furniture is being delivered next weekend and I would like it to be 90% done.  The walls have been painted, the door has been installed......and that's about it.

Well, my tummy is growling, my head is starting to pound.....I think it's ice cream and bed time.

Night all.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Trying out a new site

This is my first time posting over I'm going to try it out.

I'm am an almost 39 (gasp) year old mother of two girls...G (will be 5) and A (will be 3).  I'm a full time working mother and wife.  I think I'm normally stressed out...yeah, I'm normally stressed.  I spend way too much time yelling....trying to control that.

Like I said, I work full time in a job I really don't like...however, at almost 39 (gasp), I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.....and unfortunately feel that I have too many responsibilities (mostly financial) step back and try to figure that part out, without seriously hurting the financial position of my family.

DH and I have known each other essentially since HS.  I'm not going to lie and say that things are peachy's a daily struggle and life has been getting more difficult lately.  Our biggest problem seems to be in the communication department...or lack of communication I should say.  Things get bad when we don't communicate.

I'm tired (did I mention I have two little girls AND I work full time outside the house)?

Ava is usually up at least once a night AND up for good around 5:30 every morning.

Our dining room is completely torn apart and has been since about the end of July.  We (I should say DH and my cousins husband) replaced a double window with a sliding door, and then the projects just spiraled.  Now we have re-painted the room (I should say DH has).  We are replacing the existing molding with wider stuff (I should say DH)..we/he still needs to trim out the sliding door and I've decided that I want the openings to the kitchen and living room trimed out in, well, trim.  More work for DH while I take care of the girls.

Oh yeah....and the living room is a complete disaster b/c everything that had been in the dining room is now in the living room.  We got rid of the old dining set that we've had for 10 years (a complete piece of crap that was rescued from a house fire) and our new stuff is arriving in two weeks.  Keep your fingers crossed that we get the room done by then.

I'm not an eloquent writer like Mckmama and yes I do love her blog.

And I do tend to whine alot....but ya know what?  It's my blog and I can whine if I want to.....some feel free to bring some cheese.  :)  If it's a really bad whine session, I'll warn you.

That's about it for me.  I'm not sure how often I'm going to be able to post....I really shouldn't do this at work...they monitor our web usage and now lable things like this as social networking site.....whatever.  I don't get on the PC alot at home...ok, that's BS, I'm addicted to Facebook....but.....