Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Anxiety sucks

I suffer from anxiety.  Recently I've been suffering a lot.  I'm dealing with it RIGHT.NOW.  I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest.  I feel all itchy.  It's been pretty bad lately all because of this crap with my brother.  And I just want it to end.

I'm tired.  I cried a lot last night.  I will probably cry tonight as well.

I'm nervous.  I need to talk to hubby again about a conversation with my brother and sister in law that I had last night and I can't share everything that we spoke about.  Many things were said in anger and maybe (or not) not meant the way they were said.  Had my sister in law not called me back, I might have said F it to Thanksgiving dinner with the family as well.

I am meeting with my therapist tomorrow night and I can't wait.  It's been a while and many things have happened since I last spoke with her.

I have anxiety over other things as well, but the anxiety over the issues with my brother are taking front and center now.

It hurts.  It hurts me physically.  I hurts me emotionally.  It hurt my soul.

Anxiety sucks.

Friday, November 12, 2010


Today is Friday!  Yeah, happy Friday.  Tomorrow we are having A's 4th birthday party at Build a Bear and then the kids are coming back to our house for pizza and cupcakes.  I have a LOT to do tonight...hope Hubby is up for the challenge.

Wednesday I was down, depressed, in a funk...near name it.  It was PMS....I could feel it building......but my mom called in the afternoon and I finally told her what was wrong...she could sense something anyways.

I talked to her about my brother.  We yelled, I cursed, I cried.  I slammed my office door.  But we got it out. 

Wednesday night I finally worked up the courage to talk to dear hubby about it.  And ya know what?  It didn't go all that badly.  He still doesn't want to see them....doesn't want to partake in Thanksgiving...however, if my brother and I can talk face to face and I can show to my brother and explain to him how much his words really did hurt and the damage that he did with them....then dear hubby might reconsider.

Hubby said that in hindsight, he's not really surprised by my brother's comments.  That my brother seems to live in a "perfect" world and not many people live up to his standards.  My mother has also told my brother and sister in law that their expectations of others is impossible.

I also asked hubby to join me in my latest counselling session and he agreed.  Yes, I am seeing a counselor....primarily because of this but also to try to deal with my general anxiety issues.

I have sent my brother and email and called him on my cell today requesting to speak to him face to face.  Iguess we'll see what happens.  The ball is in his court now.

I still get very anxious about this situation.  I loose my appetite....break out in hives....all that fun stuff....but I got what I needed to off my chest with my mom and with my hubby.


Have a great weekend.


Friday, November 5, 2010


Do you ever just feel lost?  Like you have no idea where you are going or what you are going?

That's how I feel right now. 

Right now I'm on the verge of tears because I just don't know what to do anymore.

About what?

About everything.  And yes, perhaps I'm being a bit dramatic.

I'm lost on how to deal with G when she's obviously tired from school yet back talks me.  I try to be understanding with her but on the other hand, I will not tolerate balk talk from a 6 year old.

I'm lost on what to do when my temper gets away from me like it did last night and I yelled at the girls and made them cry.  Which then sent me into tears.

I'm lost on how to talk to my husband about the baby thing.

I'm VERY lost on how to talk to my husband about my brother.

I think the brother thing has me very upset right now.  J's reaction to my brother's last email was so ANGRY so almost over the top that I am honestly scared to speak to him about it again.  Scared.  Scared to speak to my husband about my brother because I can not handle that sort of reaction from him again.

Isn't that a bit pathetic?

I took the girls to my niece and nephew's party by myself.  I didn't think it was a big deal, it's not like it's never happened before.  No one asked where J was.

But then my cousin and my sister in law start talking about Christmas and exchanging gifts and my sister in law basically says that maybe we should skip it this year.  So I questioned her about getting together with my mom and us like we usually do and I get an email back from her this morning saying something to this effect "E and I assumed that since J didn't come to the kids party at our house that a smaller setting would be uncomfortable and maybe we should just skip it this year".

Honestly, this makes me sick. Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick.

Why?  Because deep down I am still pissed at my brother.  I'm not necessarily pissed at everything he said, just the way he decided to communicate it.  And the fact that in some cases, he stuck his nose into matters he had no business doing so.

And because of that...he ruined a lot of things.

I'm not perfect.  J isn't, my girls aren't.  But, thank you very much, I don't need my brother sending me an email pointing that sh!t out to me.

I am trying.  I went to the party and felt like I was being watched the entire time.  I think deep down, I will always feel like I am being judged by them.  And that stings. 

Now I know how they truly feel about me and my family.  And it hurts.

There will always be a scar there.  Always.  And it runs deep.

But I am trying.  The fact that Christmas will now change and effect the kids....that hurts.

the fact that I am scared to speak to my husband about how I feel because I don't want to see or deal with his reaction....that hurts.

It still hurts.

And therefore, I am lost.