Thursday, August 12, 2010

Can't stop crying

I have no idea why I can't stop crying today.  But I can't.  UGH, I'm a mess.

I got the offer for the interview I went on the other day...and I can't turn it down.  I just can't.

But I was hoping to be able to see Grace off to school every morning on the bus and I won't be able to b/c the bus will pick her up at 8:30 and I have to be at work at now she'll have to do the Extended Day Program before and after school and that kills me.  It really does.

I'm crying because I will be working until 5 and then either John or I will have to get the girls and then dinner.......I don't want to go back to that stress again.

But I don't have a choice.

It's change...big change for me all happening at once. 

I hate change.

And I'm crying.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Just when I thought I had this all figured out

Just when I thought I had this all figured out, this "life" thing...ok, well not really all figured out because no one ever has it all figured out...but I was really starting to enjoy the way things were going lately with the girls and all.....things MIGHT up and change.

I say MIGHT because I don't know but you know me, I have to stress about it now.

I had a job interview today for well, a job I don't really want but need.  And rumor (I know the CEO on Facebook) has it, I'm going to get the offer.  I don't know what the "offer" entails, but apparently, I'm going to get it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful but...I was hoping things could stay status quo for a while longer.  But we need the money, I NEED the job...a. job that I really don't want.  And I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that I will get stuck in a job that I don't want/like for another 10 years like my last one.

I'm afraid that I will never figure out what kind of job will actually make me happy and pay me money.

I'm worried about Grace and kindergarten and how she will adjust to not only it but now before and after care.

I've been in a routine lately and I'm scared to change it.

This is change on many different levels and I don't like it.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Starting to get the hang of things

For the past few weeks...things seem to be "coming together".

While it's getting more difficult financially, me not having a job and all, I feel I am becoming a better parent.  I am spending great quality time with my girls and I'm starting to love it.   Don't get me wrong, it's not that I've never loved spending time with them, but I'm really LOVING it. 

When I worked full time, weekends were spent doing laundry, changing sheets, doing things that couldn't be done during the week.  We never had fun.

Now we are and I'm so glad I have the opportunity to do this before Grace starts kindergarten in a few weeks (crap, I'm crying just thinking about it).

I've become a better mom and a better person.  I'm actively working on my patience and I think this has been a good tool for me.  It's not all sunshine and roses every day.....but there has been a lot less yelling from me and a lot more smiles and hugs and kisses.

I'm so blessed to have this opportunity.

thinking out loud

Right now, I am seriously getting pregnant again just so I don't have to deal with my monthly "bill" for the next 10 months.

Kinda puts another tick on the "have another kid" list.