Thursday, February 25, 2010

Mid week Ramblings

Ben....before you read this....think twice....there might be TMI for you.

MckMama has her stream of consciousness....and I have my Ramblings.  I've stolen 1/2 hour out of my day, which began at type this up.

It's Thursday and it's snowing.....again, tho it's not as bad as I had imagined it would be at 2:20 in the afternoon.  Hubby stayed home from work and we didn't send the girls to daycare (I didn't want to have to drive in crappy weather to pick them up).  It's been a hard day for me thus far but I'll get to that in a minute.

I've been MIA for a few weeks and for that I'm sorry.  I took a Real Estate was an intensive two week class.....interrupted by two snow days and made up on a Saturday.  I took my class test on Monday and passed with flying colors.  I only needed a 70 to pass.  I am scheduled to take the NJ State Licensing Exam on March 3.  I'm not really nervous about that.  I'm more nervous about starting the work of being a real estate agent.

Truth be told.....I've enjoyed not having a job....almost too much...tho there is that lingering guilt about keeping the kids in daycare this whole time.

I think the having a third baby thing is on hold...most likely indefinitely at  this moment.  Hubby and I have some issues (namely communication) that we need to work on.  We both seem to think that adding another baby to the mix really won't help that issue at all.     We are considering seeing a marriage counselor.  I just haven't made the call.

We are scheduling date nights/days.  Our first one is supposed to be tomorrow night but I'm not sure if it's going to happen.  Depends on this storm.  We actually have them written on the calendar.

I scheduled an appointment with my primary care doctor for a complete physical.  They are going to send me a lab sheet so that I can have blood work drawn before my appointment.  I specifically asked for specific (specifically and specific huh?) tests to check my thyroid.  I wonder if that is causing some of the "things" I've been experiencing lately (irregular and heavy periods, irritability, lack of "you know what" drive, exhaustion.

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm depressed?  My irritability with the girls at times is starting to concern me and I just don't feel "happy" anymore.  It's like I'm always annoyed.  I tried anti depressants once and got sick and I don't really know how I feel about taking them again but something really seems off about me lately.  Tho they won't help the "you know what" drive thing at all (tho I did make an effort and I went to VS and bought something to try out and will try to make more of an effort on that front).  I know some of you do take them....and they help but for some reason I feel I should be able to work this out by myself but I can't.

I mentioned before that I'm having a difficult day today.....because I've been home all day with the girls and yes, even tho hubby has been home he's been working upstairs for a while.  I just don't know what to do with the girls on days like today.  I let them watch some tv but then turn it off for a while.  They made a picture for their aunt and did an art project...but Grace just doesn't know what to do without the tv and Ava doesn't even care if it's on.  They are clingy and whiny and just really getting under my skin.  I really dislike the winter for this reason.  I despise being cold and playing in the snow.  I'd rather have sand between my toes than snow any day.  At least during the summer we can go outside and play.

And yet, I feel guilty for coming upstairs and sitting in front of the computer while hubby is downstairs with them.  I was thinking about this this I wish I had the patience to be a stay at home mom...or even a more comfortable weekend at home mom.  But I just don't know how to be.  Maybe it's the thyroid...or depression or I don't know.  But I never had that chance really and it saddens me that I don't know how to be a good "at home" mom to my girls.  I love them with all my heart and soul but I don't know how to be patient with them.  I have no patience.  And if I have no patience with two, what would happen to me with three?

This all saddens me.

And just so there is no mis-understanding.... I LOVE MckMama.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Mommy Guilt

The past few days I have been feeling a great deal of mommy guilt.....see, I've been out of work for close to 13 weeks.  And everyday I have taken the girls to daycare.  There is my mommy guilt. 

When I first got laid off John and I decided that we would leave the girls in daycare full time for the time being.  We would reasses come January.  January came and I had a job interview and I would hear the decision by the end of we decided that we'd leave the girls in daycare until I found out one way or another.

Now I've decided to go to school and get my real estate license.  It's a two week full time of course, I can't take them out of daycare now.

After I pass my license...I have an agency that is willing ot take me on.

When I got laid off everyone would assume that I'd take the girls out of daycare and they would be so happy and I would be so happy to spend more time with them.  And I feel like I disappoint them when I tell them that I'm still keeping them in school.

Most days I am out and about in the morning and sitting on my @ss all afternoon.  Then I go and pick the girls up.   And I think.....I should have kept them home with me.  What's my problem?

But they both do really well with structure and there is no structure here at home...totally my fault.

So, maybe I need to think about doing the real estate thing 4 days a week and keeping the girls out one day a week.  UGh, I don't know.

Weekends are so hard around here with John and the girls all home.  We fight and yell...all of's usually not a good weekend.  Will be better when the weather warms up.....I really dislike the winter and being stuck inside.

I know this was a ramble....sorry but Mommy guilt sucks.