I'm not sure what to call this post so I'll just call it "Ramblings". It's my blog, I can call it anything I'd like. Right?
So....the family went on vacation last week...we drove to Pawley's Island, SC. What a fun drive. NOT. Ugh, it's so long. To be honest tho, the girls did pretty well....and the trip down only took 12 hours. The trip back, 13. No major health issues tho Ava did develop a croupy cough on day 1 and Grace had a bad reaction to a mosquito bite. And then there was me. For some reason eating out in SC doesn't agree with me. John and I let his parents take care of the girls while we went out one night. I had fried shrimp and some hush puppies and didn't even finish a glass of wine. John and I split his desert. Sometime in the middle of the night I started with heart palpitations and stomach issues. I thought I was going to get sick. I actually had to take an entire Xanax just to "calm down". I'm not really sure what that was all about. But it wasn't fun....that's for sure.
The in-laws weren't all that bad this time around tho my father in law still teases Grace incessently. She doesn't understand what he's doing but I hear it. Grrrr.
Let's see, what else is there to talk about......
We have decided to take the girls out of daycare another day during the week. So G and A will be home with me on M, W, and F. Tuesdays and Thursdays now I have to devote my days to finding a regular paying job. Either the market sucks or I'm not really good at the real estate thing. Probably a combination of both. I'm not a good sales person...never have been, never will be. And because PA unemployment has denied me unemployment benefits for having a real estate license and I'm not making any money doing the real estate thing...I have to find a job. YUCK. You have no idea how sad that makes me. I really don't want to go back to work but the fact of the matter is...we can't survive on John's income alone. :(
We are also still discussing the third baby thing. Yes, you heard right.....we are considering it...tho it scares the crap out of me. I had an IUI two months ago that didn't work...not that I really expected it to...plus, last month we timed things pretty well but the witch followed me to SC (b!tch).
We were full on board going right onto IVF but I'm getting cold feet. I'm scared about how it will change our family. I'm scared about my lack of patience with the girls and the frustration levels I have with them and John and the house. We still have about two weeks left to decide if we want to start this next cycle or we can wait....however, we kind of need to make a decision. See, John's insurance covers IVF at the moment. And even, God forbid, he looses his job, he retains his medical insurance for the length of his severance. However, if he, or I get a new job, there are no guarantees (and it seems pretty iffy) that any insurance would cover IVF again.
So, this is what has been weighing on my mind lately. Heavy stuff huh?
Friday, June 18, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Stealing a line from Carly Simon
I'm so Vain. Yup, I admit it. I'm vain. I like looking nice....I can't go out of the house with no makeup on or my hair not washed and dried. I've tried rolling out of bed, putting on a baseball cap and taking the girls to school....but I can't. People ask me if I'm not feeling well. I just can't do it.
I like looking nice. I like when people compliment me on how nice I look. I used to like getting dressed up for work.....skirts/dresses and high heels and see the reaction of the men I worked with.
Does that make me bad? Is being vain bad?
It's not like I spend alot of time at all of this. I get up, shower, shave, put my makeup on, do my hair. I'm done in an hour or less.
Last summer I finally got comfortable wearing a two pieceon the beach and ya know what? I didn't look all that bad in it. This summer I bought a new one but truth be told...I'm not sure I'm going to wear it. Since I've been laid off I feel I've gained some fattage around the middle section that I'm not comfortable with and definately not comfortable showing off at the beach.
However, I can't seem to find the time or the motivation to exercise. And I like my M&M's too much. What's a girl to do?
There is no way that I will go on the beach feeling about my body, the way I do now. Not going to happen. I'm reading a magazine now and wishing I looked like the models in it.
Last weekend when stressing about going to a friends pool for the afternoon....my husband said that I look very good for a woman pushing 40 (AACK) whose had two kids in the past 5 years. Thanks honey, I love you for that but I'm still not comfortable with this gut sticking out. Go ahead, call me nuts...call me vain.
Now, in my own defense...I'm not one of those who won't go outside because she has a huge pimple on her chin (tho I will be mortified). In fact, my chin it dotted with little bumps I can't seem to make go away. But you will never catch me out without foundation (or powder), blush, eye shadow, liner and mascara. I don't care about lipstick and most times my nails aren't done but..............
So, I'm so vain and yes, I think this song is about me.
I like looking nice. I like when people compliment me on how nice I look. I used to like getting dressed up for work.....skirts/dresses and high heels and see the reaction of the men I worked with.
Does that make me bad? Is being vain bad?
It's not like I spend alot of time at all of this. I get up, shower, shave, put my makeup on, do my hair. I'm done in an hour or less.
Last summer I finally got comfortable wearing a two pieceon the beach and ya know what? I didn't look all that bad in it. This summer I bought a new one but truth be told...I'm not sure I'm going to wear it. Since I've been laid off I feel I've gained some fattage around the middle section that I'm not comfortable with and definately not comfortable showing off at the beach.
However, I can't seem to find the time or the motivation to exercise. And I like my M&M's too much. What's a girl to do?
There is no way that I will go on the beach feeling about my body, the way I do now. Not going to happen. I'm reading a magazine now and wishing I looked like the models in it.
Last weekend when stressing about going to a friends pool for the afternoon....my husband said that I look very good for a woman pushing 40 (AACK) whose had two kids in the past 5 years. Thanks honey, I love you for that but I'm still not comfortable with this gut sticking out. Go ahead, call me nuts...call me vain.
Now, in my own defense...I'm not one of those who won't go outside because she has a huge pimple on her chin (tho I will be mortified). In fact, my chin it dotted with little bumps I can't seem to make go away. But you will never catch me out without foundation (or powder), blush, eye shadow, liner and mascara. I don't care about lipstick and most times my nails aren't done but..............
So, I'm so vain and yes, I think this song is about me.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Kristen's Lemonade Stand
Sale! Sale! Sale! Lemonade $0.25 a cup!!!!
Isn't that what you are supposed to do when you have too many lemons? Make lemonade?
Seems that life is handing me and my family too many lemons lately so I'm having a lemonade sale.
So, ya know I lost my job in November. No biggie right? I was collecting unemployment.
In February I decided to get my real estate license to try to make some money. Wow, who knew you had to spend so much money to make money?
In April I called unemployment to inquire how much money was left in my account and to see if I was eligible for Pres. Obama's extension. I found out I was! Great...and then I go an open my mouth..."By the way, do you reimburse for real estate school?" Um, you have a real estate license? Are you affiliated with a broker? Um, what do I do? I tell the truth. Well, you might not be eligible for unemployment benefits anymore. So...a statement was taken and lo and behold...they cut my unemployment..and tell me I have to repay more that $2000. WTF???? I'm not making any money at all. I was planning on reporting any commission I did make. So, I am appealing.
In the meantime, I have taken the girls out of daycare two days a week to help cut costs. Sometimes I truly think I;m the worst stay at home mom. I yell, alot. And that makes me sad. But, oh my god...the whining. I can't take the constant whining!
On top of this...we take my car in for an oil change and to check the transmission. Lately it seems to be slipping and the car will go from 40mph to 20 mph and the RPM's will run up to 4000. So....after Honda has my car for 8 hours...and I call to check on it....I get "oh yeah, and you need a new transmission". WTF? UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH.
The dealership checked with corporate (or something) and because this is a problem with this model and because we have taken good care of the car, corporate is going to pay for more than 1/2 of the new transmission.
But that still leaves us in a bind. It seems no matter what we decide, we need to fix the car. But do we keep it after it's fixed? Do we trade it in? Will we even get approved for a new car? Or a certified pre-owned car?
In the middle of all of this I did an IUI. Yup, i know what you are going to say, I'm nuts. And maybe we are. But John and I both believe we want another child and while he still has health insurance to cover it...we were going to give it a try. Well, it didn't work. And now I"m not so sure moving on to IVF is a good idea.
John could loose his job this week....we'll be ok....he'll get 6 months of severance and he essentially has a job waiting for him with another company. Or he might have a different job with the same company.
I don't want to go back to work. i really don't. We are considering taking the girls out daycare full time. And honestly, that scares the crap out of me! it really does. I'm not sure I can handle it. But somethings gotta give.
So, who wants some of my lemonade?
Isn't that what you are supposed to do when you have too many lemons? Make lemonade?
Seems that life is handing me and my family too many lemons lately so I'm having a lemonade sale.
So, ya know I lost my job in November. No biggie right? I was collecting unemployment.
In February I decided to get my real estate license to try to make some money. Wow, who knew you had to spend so much money to make money?
In April I called unemployment to inquire how much money was left in my account and to see if I was eligible for Pres. Obama's extension. I found out I was! Great...and then I go an open my mouth..."By the way, do you reimburse for real estate school?" Um, you have a real estate license? Are you affiliated with a broker? Um, what do I do? I tell the truth. Well, you might not be eligible for unemployment benefits anymore. So...a statement was taken and lo and behold...they cut my unemployment..and tell me I have to repay more that $2000. WTF???? I'm not making any money at all. I was planning on reporting any commission I did make. So, I am appealing.
In the meantime, I have taken the girls out of daycare two days a week to help cut costs. Sometimes I truly think I;m the worst stay at home mom. I yell, alot. And that makes me sad. But, oh my god...the whining. I can't take the constant whining!
On top of this...we take my car in for an oil change and to check the transmission. Lately it seems to be slipping and the car will go from 40mph to 20 mph and the RPM's will run up to 4000. So....after Honda has my car for 8 hours...and I call to check on it....I get "oh yeah, and you need a new transmission". WTF? UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH.
The dealership checked with corporate (or something) and because this is a problem with this model and because we have taken good care of the car, corporate is going to pay for more than 1/2 of the new transmission.
But that still leaves us in a bind. It seems no matter what we decide, we need to fix the car. But do we keep it after it's fixed? Do we trade it in? Will we even get approved for a new car? Or a certified pre-owned car?
In the middle of all of this I did an IUI. Yup, i know what you are going to say, I'm nuts. And maybe we are. But John and I both believe we want another child and while he still has health insurance to cover it...we were going to give it a try. Well, it didn't work. And now I"m not so sure moving on to IVF is a good idea.
John could loose his job this week....we'll be ok....he'll get 6 months of severance and he essentially has a job waiting for him with another company. Or he might have a different job with the same company.
I don't want to go back to work. i really don't. We are considering taking the girls out daycare full time. And honestly, that scares the crap out of me! it really does. I'm not sure I can handle it. But somethings gotta give.
So, who wants some of my lemonade?
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Looking up
That's how I feel...that things are looking up.
Yes, at the moment, there are three guys jackhammering the crap out of my basement but....things are looking up.
We have decided to take the girls out of daycare two days a week (Tuesdays and Thursdays)...and that's what I wanted. I will still be able to give the real estate thing a try and I can learn to love spending time with my girls. I know that sounds harsh doesn't it. I do love them...more than anything else in the world but I have a hard time spending time with them alone. They stress me out and frustrate the crap out of me. So, I'm looking at this experience to grow me and teach me patience.
They will still get the chance to go to school on Tuesdays for an hour for their cooking class (tho in theory I could just do that on my own as well but for now, I'll continue). I have plans for story time, the zoo, picnics....Please wish me luck.
Secondly, Hubby and I have decided to go ahead with the IUI that is being offered with this clomid challenge I'm doing. We figured...we have the coverage for it now...we will never regret having another child but will regret NOT having another child. So...wish us luck with that as well.
So, the house sounds like it's coming down but things are looking up.
Kristen
Yes, at the moment, there are three guys jackhammering the crap out of my basement but....things are looking up.
We have decided to take the girls out of daycare two days a week (Tuesdays and Thursdays)...and that's what I wanted. I will still be able to give the real estate thing a try and I can learn to love spending time with my girls. I know that sounds harsh doesn't it. I do love them...more than anything else in the world but I have a hard time spending time with them alone. They stress me out and frustrate the crap out of me. So, I'm looking at this experience to grow me and teach me patience.
They will still get the chance to go to school on Tuesdays for an hour for their cooking class (tho in theory I could just do that on my own as well but for now, I'll continue). I have plans for story time, the zoo, picnics....Please wish me luck.
Secondly, Hubby and I have decided to go ahead with the IUI that is being offered with this clomid challenge I'm doing. We figured...we have the coverage for it now...we will never regret having another child but will regret NOT having another child. So...wish us luck with that as well.
So, the house sounds like it's coming down but things are looking up.
Kristen
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Doubting Thomas' Ramblings
Ok, so my name is Thomas but I am doubting and I am having a pity party....well, a mini pity party. Really, I'm just questioning some decisions I've made recently and I am doubting them so much, I had a melt down in front of TJ Maxx with my mom this afternoon. Lovely.
What am I doubting? I'm doubting my decision to get started in real estate. I'm doubting the money that I have already invested in this venture, the money I still need to spend in this venture to really get started, and the fact that I'm not making any money. Nor am I guaranteed any money.
I went into the office this morning because I was supposed to meet with my mentor (as person to whom I have to give 25% of my first commission to for mentoring me) and well, he wasn't there. He switched his floor time and forgot to mention it to me. But it's ok because I met an acquaintance there and she took me to two Broker Tours/Open Houses. UGH, these places and the asking price.
When I got back I was talking to one of the owners of the broker house I'm working for.....she asked if I still felt like a fish out of water and I said I did. I don't have a desk, I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing. She suggested i come into the office more regularly and it will help. Ok...that's fine. I'll go to the meeting tomorrow and I'll go into the office on Thursday. I'm going to volunteer to do my first open house on Sunday...Holy CRAP. I mean, UGH, I wish someone would come with me. I'm terrified. But I've got to do it some time right.
So...why am I rambling? I don't know. Up until November I was working full time for 10 years. Don't get me wrong, I hated it but I knew that I had to go into work and what I was doing for 9 hours a day. Now, I've been off of work for 5 months and not working...and I'm getting to like that too.
I'm not sure I want to give up my weekends with my family. I know there is a lot of stuff that my husband wants to do around the house and he counts on me to occupy the girls so he can get them done. But I won't be home on Sunday at all. I mean, at all. :(
I've been feeling guilty about keeping the girls in daycare this whole time too. I've been home, why shouldn't I keep them home at least part time as well.
I'm not sure I want to work. Does that make me a bad person? Is that irresponsible to my family? The one car has been paid off....if I take the girls out of daycare two days a week that would reduce our burden and Grace will be in kindergarten in the fall.....maybe I should take this time to enjoy them. I've gotten really complacent about not doing anything.
I mean, I know part of that has to change because I can't just sit on the sofa in front of the tv and the computer all day long....it's not healthy and my waist is suffering for it but...really, I like the idea of not having to do that.
On the other hand, I really don't know if I have the patience to be at home two days a week with the girls. And that alone makes me feel sad and pathetic.
From that topic we move on to the thought of having another baby. I don't know if AF is coming maybe next week but the mornings with the girls have not been going well at all. And I'm thinking of adding one more to that chaos? I'm nuts. I should just be happy with what I have and move on....but I can't.
Ok...so before I go and cry again (which I will do when I discuss this all with hubby tonight)...I'm going to let this end.
What am I doubting? I'm doubting my decision to get started in real estate. I'm doubting the money that I have already invested in this venture, the money I still need to spend in this venture to really get started, and the fact that I'm not making any money. Nor am I guaranteed any money.
I went into the office this morning because I was supposed to meet with my mentor (as person to whom I have to give 25% of my first commission to for mentoring me) and well, he wasn't there. He switched his floor time and forgot to mention it to me. But it's ok because I met an acquaintance there and she took me to two Broker Tours/Open Houses. UGH, these places and the asking price.
When I got back I was talking to one of the owners of the broker house I'm working for.....she asked if I still felt like a fish out of water and I said I did. I don't have a desk, I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing. She suggested i come into the office more regularly and it will help. Ok...that's fine. I'll go to the meeting tomorrow and I'll go into the office on Thursday. I'm going to volunteer to do my first open house on Sunday...Holy CRAP. I mean, UGH, I wish someone would come with me. I'm terrified. But I've got to do it some time right.
So...why am I rambling? I don't know. Up until November I was working full time for 10 years. Don't get me wrong, I hated it but I knew that I had to go into work and what I was doing for 9 hours a day. Now, I've been off of work for 5 months and not working...and I'm getting to like that too.
I'm not sure I want to give up my weekends with my family. I know there is a lot of stuff that my husband wants to do around the house and he counts on me to occupy the girls so he can get them done. But I won't be home on Sunday at all. I mean, at all. :(
I've been feeling guilty about keeping the girls in daycare this whole time too. I've been home, why shouldn't I keep them home at least part time as well.
I'm not sure I want to work. Does that make me a bad person? Is that irresponsible to my family? The one car has been paid off....if I take the girls out of daycare two days a week that would reduce our burden and Grace will be in kindergarten in the fall.....maybe I should take this time to enjoy them. I've gotten really complacent about not doing anything.
I mean, I know part of that has to change because I can't just sit on the sofa in front of the tv and the computer all day long....it's not healthy and my waist is suffering for it but...really, I like the idea of not having to do that.
On the other hand, I really don't know if I have the patience to be at home two days a week with the girls. And that alone makes me feel sad and pathetic.
From that topic we move on to the thought of having another baby. I don't know if AF is coming maybe next week but the mornings with the girls have not been going well at all. And I'm thinking of adding one more to that chaos? I'm nuts. I should just be happy with what I have and move on....but I can't.
Ok...so before I go and cry again (which I will do when I discuss this all with hubby tonight)...I'm going to let this end.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Monday Mumblings
Lots of random thoughts running thru my head today. Feeling sad (maybe because of the weather, ugh, it's crappy out), feeling overwhelmed, out of sorts.
I'm not really sure why I'm feeling sad...maybe that's not the word. I do feel like crying but I think I'm just really completely overwhelmed.
I've been out of work 4.5 months. Other than getting my real estate license, I've done very little to find another job. I hate finance, you all know that...but this real estate thing SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF ME. Real estate is for the self confident. I'm not. I completely lack self confidence. Someone I worked with once told me that I was the least confident person they ever met. Nice. And this was from a friend.
I went to an Open House yesterday...I was forewarned about the agent I was going to sit with. He's cocky and arrogant. But I did learn how NOT to do some things.
I went into the office today.....to drop my picture off for my business cards. I met with one owner, who I know and the office manager. They both assured me it takes some time. I have to be disciplined...and I'm not sure I am. I did do some things from our home office this morning...but I need to come up with a contact list of people that I know and then send them some information.
I've gotten very complacent sitting around doing nothing for the past four months. I try not to go out and shop because then I spend money. I do feel guilty about keeping the girls in school while I've been home the whole time. Like I said, other than getting my license I haven't done much to find another job. I did meet with career counselors but...........I just haven't figured out what I want to do/be. I had an interview with HR at a local Pharmaceutical company...thru a head hunter....but I haven't heard anything back from them.
John and I are doing well. We really are. We are going to meet with the IVF doctors in a few weeks b/c I'm 1/2 convinced that they will tell me that even with IVF....having another baby will be next to impossible...and while that will make me sad...I want to know now, rather that deciding 6 months to a year from now that I do want to have another one and not being able to have one. We still haven't decided that we are going to go ahead with having another one but we want to know if it's even in the cards.
We are having a problem with water in the basement. We have water backing up around the foundation and three companies have given us estimates of $12,000...HOLY CRAP!!!!!
We are having a water issue with our landscaping as well. The retaining wall on the side of the house is bowing and seperating.........and well.....ugh.
There are things that we would like to do with the house...finish the basement, convert the attic, fix the deck, new windows......but now that I don't have a steady income................well, that's all on hold...and John is concerned that my frustration with the house will continue to grow...and that adding another family member will only exasperate that.
So..there you have it........my Monday Mumblings.
I'm not really sure why I'm feeling sad...maybe that's not the word. I do feel like crying but I think I'm just really completely overwhelmed.
I've been out of work 4.5 months. Other than getting my real estate license, I've done very little to find another job. I hate finance, you all know that...but this real estate thing SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF ME. Real estate is for the self confident. I'm not. I completely lack self confidence. Someone I worked with once told me that I was the least confident person they ever met. Nice. And this was from a friend.
I went to an Open House yesterday...I was forewarned about the agent I was going to sit with. He's cocky and arrogant. But I did learn how NOT to do some things.
I went into the office today.....to drop my picture off for my business cards. I met with one owner, who I know and the office manager. They both assured me it takes some time. I have to be disciplined...and I'm not sure I am. I did do some things from our home office this morning...but I need to come up with a contact list of people that I know and then send them some information.
I've gotten very complacent sitting around doing nothing for the past four months. I try not to go out and shop because then I spend money. I do feel guilty about keeping the girls in school while I've been home the whole time. Like I said, other than getting my license I haven't done much to find another job. I did meet with career counselors but...........I just haven't figured out what I want to do/be. I had an interview with HR at a local Pharmaceutical company...thru a head hunter....but I haven't heard anything back from them.
John and I are doing well. We really are. We are going to meet with the IVF doctors in a few weeks b/c I'm 1/2 convinced that they will tell me that even with IVF....having another baby will be next to impossible...and while that will make me sad...I want to know now, rather that deciding 6 months to a year from now that I do want to have another one and not being able to have one. We still haven't decided that we are going to go ahead with having another one but we want to know if it's even in the cards.
We are having a problem with water in the basement. We have water backing up around the foundation and three companies have given us estimates of $12,000...HOLY CRAP!!!!!
We are having a water issue with our landscaping as well. The retaining wall on the side of the house is bowing and seperating.........and well.....ugh.
There are things that we would like to do with the house...finish the basement, convert the attic, fix the deck, new windows......but now that I don't have a steady income................well, that's all on hold...and John is concerned that my frustration with the house will continue to grow...and that adding another family member will only exasperate that.
So..there you have it........my Monday Mumblings.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Was so hoping
But not very optimistic.
About what?
About maybe being pregnant on my own....
But I highly doubt it.
Why?
Because....I can feel myself loosing control of my temper.
Ava is pushing EVERY.SINGLE.BUTTON I have right now and has been since I picked her up and I'm starting to loose control.
I'm beginning to think I might need to take my doctor's suggestion to heart and maybe start anti-depressants during this time of my cycle.
But I really was hoping.....
That maybe
Just maybe
Nature would be kind to me.
About what?
About maybe being pregnant on my own....
But I highly doubt it.
Why?
Because....I can feel myself loosing control of my temper.
Ava is pushing EVERY.SINGLE.BUTTON I have right now and has been since I picked her up and I'm starting to loose control.
I'm beginning to think I might need to take my doctor's suggestion to heart and maybe start anti-depressants during this time of my cycle.
But I really was hoping.....
That maybe
Just maybe
Nature would be kind to me.
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