thinking out loud

Right now, I am seriously getting pregnant again just so I don't have to deal with my monthly "bill" for the next 10 months.

Kinda puts another tick on the "have another kid" list.

I'm not perfect, no I'm not

It appears I'm stealing song lyrics again..this time from Laurie Berkner...but I don't care because "I'm not Perfect, no I'm not".

I'm still overwhelmingly upset about my brother's email to me.  My heart starts racing and tears well up in my eyes when I think about it.  Not necessarily the words but the tone...which is odd because you can't really hear a tone in an email...but I did.  And man was it bitter.

His email wasn't all wrong.  John and I did embarass him and others by fighting on the beach and I did yell at the girls to stop whining (which was exactly what I was doing)...and I'm bothered by that.  I'm almost sickened to think about how I must have sounded to my family surrounding us.

I have called my cousins and tearfully apologized to them.  I have spoken to my mother about things that my brother wrote and while she agreed with some of them (John and I fighting)...she is also upset with my brother about how he handled it and other things he called out.

John and I don't have a perfect marriage.  Do you?  We fight....alot.  We have problems with communication.  But we are working on it.  Unfortunately, we seem to fail alot when we are with my family and I don't understand the basis of that.  But I have promised my mother and John and I agree, that we will not go to the beach or another family function either at all or together if we are having issues.

I have also been struggling with deeper issues lately.  For about the past 8 months my PMS symptoms (the emotional ones) are SEVERE.  I fly off the handle for no good reason.  UGH, I'm tearing up just thinking about incidents in the past.  I'm working on getting help for that.  I also constantly feel like I'm on edge.  does that make sense?  It's not fair to anyone around me...but I don't just want to go on medication (tho I am willing) without talking to someone.  My GYN is ready to write an RX but I want to talk to someone as well.

THe past few days with John and the girls have been great.  I'm working on my patience.  I really am.

But I don't know what to do about my brother.  I wrote him an email back.  I told him that I'm not perfect and that I was sorry and that some of the harshness he spouted was just an issue for him not others (he told me I was rude for not providing food for my family and my mom when we go down when in fact, I do bring things and my mom doesn't expect it).  But that his own thing.

John, on the other hand is PISSED.  Not only did my brother diss me...but he dissed my family...and he has every right to feel that way.

My mom says to give my brother some time and then call and try to talk on neutral territory.  But John is against that.

UGH.....what do I do?  My brother says he won't apologize and honestly I feel that in some sense he does.  He has a right to his opinion but the way he chose to voice it was just so wrong.

But he's my brother and I love him.  I'm pissed at him....VERY VERY pissed at him but............

I just can't cry anymore.

Crushing words

I received a physically and mentally crushing email from my brother yesterday that has left my sick to my stomach and emotionally devastated.

Apparently my brother feels that I am a horrible parent, horrible daughter and a horrible wife.  So much so that he has to put all of his pent up feelings in an email that crushed me.

He called out my parenting skills, I embarrassed him and the rest of my family and I'm a horrible daughter.  I'm selfish and inconsiderate to my mom and everyone around me.

Life must be so beautiful from his ivory tower looking down on all his subjects below him.  Pity the fools who doesn't fit into his perfect marriage, with his perfect wife and his perfect childre.

I have no idea where this leaves us.  But he doesn't want to be around me or my family.

My husband is livid.  Furious.  Disgusted that my own brother would be so cruel to me and call him out as well.

What do I do?  I'm sick to my stomach...I can't stop crying. 

To-Do List

My to-do/wish list is getting bigger and bigger.....

We still have to finish the back of the house after installing the sliding door in the dining room.
Paint the new siding (must match paint color)
Finish molding in the downstairs
clean out playroom
clean up dining room
paint master bedroom
finish the basement (with what money, i'm not sure)
clean up the office
fix up/clean up deck

There is probably more but that's all I can think of at the moment.

Off to take something out for dinner, empty the dishwasher, load the dishwasher and vacuum the downstairs.

See ya,

Kristen

Can Patience be taught?

If so, can I sign up for as many classes as possible?

I wrote a post on patience back in September but it's much more relevant today.

See, the girls are home with me now three days during the week and let's face it, I'm their primary care giver during the weekend as well.

There are some mornings when five minutes after they get up....I've completely lost my patience with the girls.  Isn't that sad?  I mean, really, did they really do anything THAT bad to set me off?

They are both in the whining phases and try as I might....I can not ignore the whining and it grates on my EVERY.SINGLE.NERVE....EVERY.LAST.ONE.OF.THEM.

Today has been an exceptionally whiny day. 

How am I going to do this SEVEN DAYS A WEEK?

How am I going to add another baby to this mixture...there by multiplying the whining by three?  That's where I think I'm nuts.

So, does anyone have any tried and true lessons on teaching patience?  or am I doomed to fail?

Ramblings

I'm not sure what to call this post so I'll just call it "Ramblings".  It's my blog, I can call it anything I'd like.  Right?

So....the family went on vacation last week...we drove to Pawley's Island, SC.  What a fun drive.  NOT.  Ugh, it's so long.  To be honest tho, the girls did pretty well....and the trip down only took 12 hours.  The trip back, 13.  No major health issues tho Ava did develop a croupy cough on day 1 and Grace had a bad reaction to a mosquito bite.  And then there was me.  For some reason eating out in SC doesn't agree with me.  John and I let his parents take care of the girls while we went out one night.  I had fried shrimp and some hush puppies and didn't even finish a glass of wine.  John and I split his desert.  Sometime in the middle of the night I started with heart palpitations and stomach issues.  I thought I was going to get sick.  I actually had to take an entire Xanax just to "calm down".  I'm not really sure what that was all  about.  But it wasn't fun....that's for sure.

The in-laws weren't all that bad this time around tho my father in law still teases Grace incessently.  She doesn't understand what he's doing but I hear it.   Grrrr.

Let's see, what else is there to talk about......

We have decided to take the girls out of daycare another day during the week.  So G and A will be home with me on M, W, and F.  Tuesdays and Thursdays now I have to devote my days to finding a regular paying job.  Either the market sucks or I'm not really good at the real estate thing.  Probably a combination of both.  I'm not a good sales person...never have been, never will be.  And because PA unemployment has denied me unemployment benefits for having a real estate license and I'm not making any money doing the real estate thing...I have to find a job.  YUCK.  You have no idea how sad that makes me.   I really don't want to go back to work but the fact of the matter is...we can't survive on John's income alone.  :(

We are also still discussing the third baby thing.  Yes, you heard right.....we are considering it...tho it scares the crap out of me.  I had an IUI two months ago that didn't work...not that I really expected it to...plus, last month we timed things pretty well but the witch followed me to SC (b!tch).

We were full on board going right onto IVF but I'm getting cold feet.  I'm scared about how it will change our family.  I'm scared about my lack of patience with the girls and the frustration levels I have with them and John and the house.  We still have about two weeks left to decide if we want to start this next cycle or we can wait....however, we kind of need to make a decision.  See, John's insurance covers IVF at the moment.  And even, God forbid, he looses his job, he retains his medical insurance for the length of his severance.  However, if he, or I get a new job, there are no guarantees (and it seems pretty iffy) that any insurance would cover IVF again.

So, this is what has been weighing on my mind lately.  Heavy stuff huh?

Stealing a line from Carly Simon

I'm so Vain.  Yup, I admit it.  I'm vain.  I like looking nice....I can't go out of the house with no makeup on or my hair not washed and dried.  I've tried rolling out of bed, putting on a baseball cap and taking the girls to school....but I can't.  People ask me if I'm not feeling well.  I just can't do it.

I like looking nice.  I like when people compliment me on how nice I look.  I used to like getting dressed up for work.....skirts/dresses and high heels and see the reaction of the men I worked with.

Does that make me bad?  Is being vain bad?

It's not like I spend alot of time at all of this.  I get up, shower, shave, put my makeup on, do my hair.  I'm done in an hour or less.

Last summer I finally got comfortable wearing a two pieceon the beach and ya know what?  I didn't look all that  bad in it.  This summer I bought a new one but truth be told...I'm not sure I'm going to wear it.  Since I've been laid off I feel I've gained some fattage around the middle section that I'm not comfortable with and definately not comfortable showing off at the beach.

However, I can't seem to find the time or the motivation to exercise.  And I like my M&M's too much.  What's a girl to do?

There is no way that I will go on the beach feeling about my body, the way I do now.  Not going to happen.  I'm reading a magazine now and wishing I looked like the models in it. 

Last weekend when  stressing about going to a friends pool for the afternoon....my husband said that I look very good for a woman pushing 40 (AACK) whose had two kids in the past 5 years.  Thanks honey, I love you for that but I'm still not comfortable with this gut sticking out.  Go ahead, call me nuts...call me vain.

Now, in my own defense...I'm not one of those who won't go outside because she has a huge pimple on her chin (tho I will be mortified).  In fact, my chin it dotted with little bumps I can't seem to make go away.  But you will never catch me out without foundation (or powder), blush, eye shadow, liner and mascara.  I don't care about lipstick and most times my nails aren't done but..............

So, I'm so vain and yes, I think this song is about me.