Friday, January 15, 2010

Mish Mosh

I have alot of stuff rambling thru my brain right now...hence the title of my blog "Ramblings of a Stressed out Mom".

Let's see if I can make any sense of any of this.

I'm very upset with myself still from last Saturday.  What happened, you ask....well...Ava.....she was over-tired, cranky and just......ugh.  I punished her for some reason, sent her to her room...where she refused to stay.  I started yelling and I just couldn't stop.  I finally had to get John involved but she was hysterical, I was hysterical......I needed to get away.  I felt like running away.  Then I went downstairs and cried...and cried, and cried some more.  I was beyond hysterical.  Even now writing this, I'm so upset and disappointned with myself.  Whatever Ava did or didn't do...she didn't deserve that treatment from me.  It's dispicable.  It makes me feel sick.  Shouldn't I be able to control myself with a three year old?

It's just that Ava is testing my patience at all levels.  On a daily basis she is beligerant, hitting, pitching fits...etc.  She looses TV almost daily....which doesn't seem fair to Grace in the least bit...who has been great lately.

This then leads to the pang I'm feeling in my heart again about having another baby.  After last Saturday I was ready to get rid of all the baby stuff in the basement because there was no way I could parent another child after my behavior with Ava.

Why can't I find the patience to deal with children?  I feel like such a failure at times it's not even funny.  (Crap, now I have tears coming out).

My girls aren't bad at all.  They are five and three and for the most part behaving like children their age.  It's just sometimes I wish they could be better.  Believe me, I don't want Stepford children......but why can't I find the patience to deal with their "normal" behavior?

Part of me desperately wants another child.  Desperately.

I lost a baby.  Did you know that?  After a year of trying to get pregnant, we finally suceeded.  At our 20 week u/s (and the first we had had) I was more worried that the tech wouldn't be able to tell us the gender of the baby.  I never expected the news that we recieved.  I never expected to hear that my baby would never survive.  That it had a rare chromosonal abnormality and that my only logical option was to terminte.

However, if I look at it differently, if that hadn't happened, then maybe I never would have had Grace.  I love my Grace with all my heart and soul.  And maybe i never would have had Ava either...and while she is trying ever fiber of my being...I love her with all my heart and soul as well.

But part of me wants more.  I just don't think mentally I can do it.  It might just push me over the edge. 

However, I don't want any regrets in life as well.  I'm 39 and I can't get pg on my own.  Both Grace and Ava are IVF babies.  I don't want to be 45 and think "crap, I really should have had another".

But do I want to go thru IVF all over again?  And what if I go in for one more and come out with two or three?  UGH.

Plus the girls are finally at an age where I don't have to worry about feeding schedules, naps, diapers, formulas.  It makes going places easier.  Do I want to start over again?

I'm contemplating meds....but I really don't want to.  I feel I should be able to get thru this stress on my own.  Why can't God just grant me patience?  And why is the stress getting worse lately?  Is it b/c I'm jobless and just at a crossroads in my life and questioning my self esteem at the moment?

I don't know.

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