Lost

Do you ever just feel lost?  Like you have no idea where you are going or what you are going?

That's how I feel right now. 

Right now I'm on the verge of tears because I just don't know what to do anymore.

About what?

About everything.  And yes, perhaps I'm being a bit dramatic.

I'm lost on how to deal with G when she's obviously tired from school yet back talks me.  I try to be understanding with her but on the other hand, I will not tolerate balk talk from a 6 year old.

I'm lost on what to do when my temper gets away from me like it did last night and I yelled at the girls and made them cry.  Which then sent me into tears.

I'm lost on how to talk to my husband about the baby thing.

I'm VERY lost on how to talk to my husband about my brother.

I think the brother thing has me very upset right now.  J's reaction to my brother's last email was so ANGRY so almost over the top that I am honestly scared to speak to him about it again.  Scared.  Scared to speak to my husband about my brother because I can not handle that sort of reaction from him again.

Isn't that a bit pathetic?

I took the girls to my niece and nephew's party by myself.  I didn't think it was a big deal, it's not like it's never happened before.  No one asked where J was.

But then my cousin and my sister in law start talking about Christmas and exchanging gifts and my sister in law basically says that maybe we should skip it this year.  So I questioned her about getting together with my mom and us like we usually do and I get an email back from her this morning saying something to this effect "E and I assumed that since J didn't come to the kids party at our house that a smaller setting would be uncomfortable and maybe we should just skip it this year".

Honestly, this makes me sick. Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick.

Why?  Because deep down I am still pissed at my brother.  I'm not necessarily pissed at everything he said, just the way he decided to communicate it.  And the fact that in some cases, he stuck his nose into matters he had no business doing so.

And because of that...he ruined a lot of things.

I'm not perfect.  J isn't, my girls aren't.  But, thank you very much, I don't need my brother sending me an email pointing that sh!t out to me.

I am trying.  I went to the party and felt like I was being watched the entire time.  I think deep down, I will always feel like I am being judged by them.  And that stings. 

Now I know how they truly feel about me and my family.  And it hurts.

There will always be a scar there.  Always.  And it runs deep.

But I am trying.  The fact that Christmas will now change and effect the kids....that hurts.

the fact that I am scared to speak to my husband about how I feel because I don't want to see or deal with his reaction....that hurts.

It still hurts.

And therefore, I am lost.