Wednesday, April 27, 2011

It's 5am and I'm wide awake

A called for me at 4am because she lost her unicorn pillow pet and I've been awake every since.  I can't seem to shut my brain off this morning.

I didn't tell you but my brother decided again to sent me a nice nasty email the week before last and well, I'm heartbroken that he really just dislikes me so much.

I spoke at length with my therapist over it.  At least she didn't tell me to get over and move on like my mom has (thanks mom).

I've been thinking about sending an email to my sister in law.....just telling her honestly how I feel.  She was the "voice of reason" back when my brother and I finally spoke in October.

I really just don't understand what is going on anymore.  The premise of the email started about a retirement party for my mom and then very quickly went into a rant about me and John again.

I'm tired of  being blamed for things.  John and I have apologized for what needed to be apologized for and yet I feel I'm still paying for those "transgressions".

Then I get an evite to the said retirement party they wanted to have for my mom....and I feel that 1) either he/they just don't care if I/we (John refuses to be anywhere my brother is) attend the party or not or 2) he just wanted/needed to take another dig at me.

He claims that we are avoiding him and situations....well, he's the ultimate avoider.  Why did he need to send the email that he sent, copying my mom?  Why couldn't he call and talk to me about it?  Why did he have to go right back on his high horse and preach to me and blame it all on my family again?

My therapist tells me that I have to put my immediate family first.  My relationship with my girls and John and my mom, are my primary focus.  And she's right. 

But I still can't help but feel sad and angry that my brother dislikes me and my family so much.

I feel bad that my mom is stuck in the middle but she is completely delusional if she thinks that I'm going to forgive and forget the disdain my brother has shown my family.

John won't.  He's done with my brother and has told him so. He's apologized to my mother about it too but he will not associate with someone who shows such little respect for his family.  I can't blame him either.  I really can't.  It doesn't make things any easier but............ make this all disappear and never happen because life will never be the same.

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