Monday, February 28, 2011

How to get it all done?

I went to my "female" doctor this weekend for my yearly checkup.....and everything was fine except for my weight.  I've gained almost 10 lbs since last year, most of it probably very recently, since the stress of the stuff with my brother this summer made me loose my appetite.

I'm very upset.  This current weight it the heaviest I've been since 2007.

So, what do I do?  How do I loose it?  I know, I and part, ok, I can do that...but it's the exercise part.  How do I get that into my schedule?  That's where I'm having trouble.

I am up at 5:30 - 5:45 Monday thru Friday.  I get up this early to make sure I'm showered and completely dressed and ready to go before the girls get up.  I leave the house with G around 7:20, take her to school and get to work at 7:45.  On Tuesday's, Thursday's and Friday's I have to go to the post office...come back, eat at my desk either while working or surfing the net.

I work until 4:30 - 4:45.  I get G and go home.  We are home around 5.  I help her with her homework while making dinner.  I like to have dinner by 5:30 - 5:45 at the latest.  Don't ask me why.

After dinner it's the normal clean up and Tuesday and Thursday's are are bath night.   In the summer, it's more like every night but this time of year it's Tuesday's and Thursday's.  Bedtime for G and A is 7:30.  We start at 7pm....go upstairs, get jammies on, brush teeth...etc.  I know it sounds early but G is so worn out from kindergarten she falls right asleep at night.  A?  Well, A...will usually go right to sleep unless she's had a nap at daycare.

After that, it's time to make the lunches.  It doesn't take very long at all because sometimes I get a head start while I'm making dinner.

At this time it's 8pm and honestly, I'm drained and have no energy for anything but watching tv and most likely falling asleep on the sofa at 9pm.

I don't have a treadmill.  I do have a Wii Fit but I really don't like using it.  So, what do I do?  When do I fit exercise into this schedule?  What do I sacrifice?

the only thing I can think of is that every other night I go for a walk after dinner.  That's it.  That's what I've come up with.

The same goes with John.  He really needs to loose weight but can't find the time or energy.  Again, unless we trade off and he walks one night and I walk the next. 

But I've got to loose the weight.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

On the Fence

I am still on the fence about the whole "do we want to try for a third baby" thing.  I know, I know...most of you are saying, just make up your mind!!!!  But for me it's not that easy.  Heck, I was nearly in tears trying to decide if Ava should go to school today.

Making the decision to have another baby is HUGE!  There are so many things to consider. 
  • G would be 7, A would be I want that big of a gap?  would that make things easier or harder? 
  • I would be 41
  • I would need to do IVF again...therefore, running the risk of multiples
  • My stress/control issues I currently suffer......I will never be the chilaxed mom I want to be
  • The stress on my marriage, can we survive?
  • Am I ready for sleepless nights?
  • Finances, nouf' said

But every time I see a baby, or a picture of a baby....ugh, it tugs at my heart strings.  I have LOVED watching G and A grow up.  Yes, it's been challenging at times and there will be more challenges in the future but....I love them to pieces.

And the girls ask me every day, can we have a baby?  I know they don't really understand what they are saying and I'd never base the decision solely on what a 6 and 4 year old ask for but last night I said to G, Ava is going to be your bestest only sister and G said "But I'd really like another little sister mommy".  UGH UGH UGH.

I wish someone would make this decision easier for me.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

This and That

I am addicted to sewing and crafting.  Funny thing is....this year, I've only made on quilt but I've purchased patterns and material off of Ebay and I'm dying to buy more.  This weekend I'm going out to look at a new sewing machine.

I'm home alone with the girls tonight and actually sort of looking forward to it.

I had a dream about my brother last night where I kneed him in the @ss to get his head out of it.  I think I actually tried to do it in my sleep in bed as well and then I realized G was sleeping next to me.

I made heart shaped felt pillows (small) for the girls last night.  I have to make for John.

I want to take a picture of the girls and me tonight and frame it for John for Valentine's Day.

There will be no more babies in our house.  I honestly don't think our marriage will survive.....and that saddens me.  John and I talked a bit this weekend and he thinks I'm miserable, I think he's miserable and while i don't want to blame the kids, life has gotten more challenging since having them.  it's sad.  the girls are the light of my life

G told me yesterday that she hates herself (made me cry) b/c she's bad and doesn't make good choices.  Yes, she is a challenge...she's stubborn and defiant....but she is a very very very good little girl.  I worry now that I make her feel like a bad girl.  But what am I supposed to do?  NOT punish/discipline her for poor behavior?  Let her get away with it?  Wouldn't that make me a worse mother?

The last two points are making me cry. 

John and I are going to see my therapist next week together.  I think maybe he and I need to see a marriage counselor on a regular basis.

I don't want to be at work right now.  I'm bored out of my mind and now I'm sad.

Friday, February 4, 2011

speaking in tongues

Do you ever feel that you are speaking a different language than everyone else?  I do...on a daily basis, with my husband and let me tell's causing problems.  Big problems.

This morning we had a blow out in front of the girls that caused Grace to break down in tears and tell John that she hates him.  Great, fantastic..wonderful.

Apparently, I'm not allowed to voice my feelings to email (read post about my email to T) or even to him b/c my feelings are unjustified.  So, I guess I'm just supposed to bottle them up and let them fester, which, in the past, hasn't worked out too well for me either.

I'm sorry that I was a bit annoyed this morning that I got up and then while getting myself ready to get to work (and believe me, NOT rushing).....I had to also try to get two very tired girls out of bed, all while my hubby was still resting his head in bed.  And then when I did sigh about it...I get in trouble.  EVERY.SINGLE.DAY this week I've had to get the girls up and out while he was still sleeping.  EVERY.SINGLE Weekend I do the same thing.  Take one or both of the girls downstairs so he can sleep.  

And yet, he was pissed this morning to find me emptying the dishwasher even after he told me that it was his fault he got up late and it was his responsibility to get A ready so he could leave for work.  Sorry, but when I hear that, I'll move on to other things that need to get done.  Did the dishwasher really need to be emptied right then?  No, but I was there and he didn't want help with A.  Until he saw me emptying the dishwasher..then he says he could have used help with A.  Well, guess what?  I could have used help getting her up and out of bed.  I asked, but didn't get any help.  I tried to help and you pushed me away.

Seriously, am I speaking Chinese and he's speaking Russian or something?  Because this is a constant thing in our house and frankly I'm getting sick of it.   I'm getting sick of it b/c it's ALWAYS my fault.  ALWAYS.  I'll admit, I've made some mistakes in the past.  But it's really getting old to always be at fault.  To always be the one who apologies.  I'm just...well, tired of it.

I know he does things around the house.  Believe me, I know he does.  And I thank him for it.  When I do things around the house, I get nothing......and maybe I shouldn't expect it....but ya know, sometimes I do. 

But in the morning, when he needs to get to work....get your @ss out of bed earlier and make an effort.

On Monday morning I will set my alarm at 5:30 and get up.  No more languishing in bed until 6am, no matter how tired I am.  I will get up.  I will get myself ready.   At 6:30 I will wake up the girls and get them ready....and maybe J will get out of the house in a timely manner.

I will no longer him at least.  Maybe I'll try to do it here but God forbid he find/read this...then I'll be in trouble again.

Thursday, February 3, 2011


the other day I was complaining in my head and to myself that I really wished the girls knew how to call for someone else besides me....or I wished they could do things on their own.

Then I stopped.  Wait....I need to think about this differently.  I am extremely lucky.  I'm lucky I have two beautiful and healthy little girls who do need me.

After suffering a devastating loss at 22 weeks and experiencing almost 2 years of infertility, I am truly blessed to have G and A in my life. me as much as you want babies.  I will ALWAYS be there for you.

LOVE Mommy.