Thursday, April 28, 2011

Mixing things up a bit

I blogged last week or so about no liking my I think I'm going to go.........SHORTER! It's short now but I'm talking shorter.  I went to CVS yesterday morning at like 7:30 and bough a hairstyle magazine...i scoured the internet and this is what I'm thinking...ya know Cary Mulligan?

Not sure if that is going to work....

I'm also going blonder. I can't wait until Saturday when this is all going down.

Wanna see my new glasses?

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

It's 5am and I'm wide awake

A called for me at 4am because she lost her unicorn pillow pet and I've been awake every since.  I can't seem to shut my brain off this morning.

I didn't tell you but my brother decided again to sent me a nice nasty email the week before last and well, I'm heartbroken that he really just dislikes me so much.

I spoke at length with my therapist over it.  At least she didn't tell me to get over and move on like my mom has (thanks mom).

I've been thinking about sending an email to my sister in law.....just telling her honestly how I feel.  She was the "voice of reason" back when my brother and I finally spoke in October.

I really just don't understand what is going on anymore.  The premise of the email started about a retirement party for my mom and then very quickly went into a rant about me and John again.

I'm tired of  being blamed for things.  John and I have apologized for what needed to be apologized for and yet I feel I'm still paying for those "transgressions".

Then I get an evite to the said retirement party they wanted to have for my mom....and I feel that 1) either he/they just don't care if I/we (John refuses to be anywhere my brother is) attend the party or not or 2) he just wanted/needed to take another dig at me.

He claims that we are avoiding him and situations....well, he's the ultimate avoider.  Why did he need to send the email that he sent, copying my mom?  Why couldn't he call and talk to me about it?  Why did he have to go right back on his high horse and preach to me and blame it all on my family again?

My therapist tells me that I have to put my immediate family first.  My relationship with my girls and John and my mom, are my primary focus.  And she's right. 

But I still can't help but feel sad and angry that my brother dislikes me and my family so much.

I feel bad that my mom is stuck in the middle but she is completely delusional if she thinks that I'm going to forgive and forget the disdain my brother has shown my family.

John won't.  He's done with my brother and has told him so. He's apologized to my mother about it too but he will not associate with someone who shows such little respect for his family.  I can't blame him either.  I really can't.  It doesn't make things any easier but............ make this all disappear and never happen because life will never be the same.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

This is me whining and I'm sorry

But it's 9:05 and A is still awake.   She napped at daycare and she's still awake.  Whether she is not tired or just whining that she's not tired...she's still awake.

And while I'm trying very hard not to complain about things but there is nothing that will change with complaining...I'M FRIGGIN TIRED.  I have been on my feet since I got home at 5pm.  I've made dinner, cleaned up after dinner, helped G with her homework, I've done a load of laundry, brought up two loads of laundry.  I've carried in 60 pounds of cookie dough.  I've folded laundry.  I've emptied a suitcase.  I've made a cup of tea and I can't even sit down to enjoy it.  I've packed away winter clothes that need to go into the attic.  And now?  Now, it's 9:10 and I just gave A a book to read (she lost books b/c she hit daddy again)......I'm near tears.  This is the second night in a row I've had to deal with A.  I dealt with her last night b/c Hubby was too tired and too cranky to deal with her effectively.

But then, what is dealing with her effectively?  Tough love?  You can't force a child (or anyone) to go to bed so yelling at her to go to bed until she cries doesn't work now does it?

Letting her read is a good option until she looses that option for poor choices.  And yes, I could in fact take something else away from her instead of books.  She choose her punishment tonight.

But coddling doesn't seem to work either b/c then she feels she can walk all over me.

A has been a bad sleeper since I took her binky away from her at 2.5 years old.  It's almost a daily struggle to get her to sleep.  And here's the kicker...I think she really is tired.  She just fights it......

Well, now it's 9:15 and I'm going to take her book away and tell her to go to bed.

Then I'm getting some ice cream (and yes, I know that goes against my wanting to loose weight issue but I've earned it after the past two days that I've had).

Wish me luck.

So many things running thru my head

I have so many posts running thru my head and so little time to post them all since I mainly blog while (ssshhh) I'm at work.  I just don't have time at home.

So, I'll make this into a bullet post.  It's the only way I know how to get it all out.

  • I signed G up for T-ball...but now feel as tho I'm regretting it and she hasn't even started.  There are two practices a week from 6 to 7.  WHAT?  Maybe I'm being unreasonable, inflexible....but she's 6 years old.  We start bedtime around 7pm.  She's goo by 7:30....this child needs her sleep.  And then I updated our calendar with practices and games and HOLY SH!T.  I freaked out.  Then I emailed the coach and found out that once games start there will be no more practices so that makes me feel a bit better.
  • Along the same lines....there is a strong possibility that Hubby won't be home with A before G and I have to leave for practices/games.  I'll have to leave at 5:40 to get to the practice and the games.  On days that I work at the office I don't get home until 5...then have to make dinner.  How/what do I make a healthy dinner that can be eaten quickly so that we can get out the door?  I have a hard enough time with menu planning to begin with now I have to factor in practices and games?  AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!
  • A...and her sleeping...what am i going to do with her.  A is a terrible sleeper......she rarely goes to bed without some sort of fuss.  I've gotten to the point where I let her read in bed for a bit but.....some nights she doesn't go to sleep until 8:45!  She's 4!!!  And I need her up around 6:30 to get her to school!  On days where she naps at's worse.  It's hard too b/c hubby and I are tired and well, she doesn't understand that.
  • Last night I didn't sit down from 5pm until 9 pm.  Between dinner and laundry and putting laundry away and putting G to bed and really putting A to bed too..then lunches, dealing with A some more.....
  • I'm very unhappy with my body.  I am 10 pounds heavier than last year....I feel as tho I have a spare tire.....and I don't like it.  But I'm also have a hard time trying to find time to work in exercise.   I'd be happy just to walk but now with t-ball and to do I this?
  • I'm also unhappy with my stylist and I can't seem to get on the right page.  It probably just needs more time to grow a bit but.......I just don't like what I see in the mirror every day.
  • I've been cleaning out my closets....A LOT.  Yesterday I got rid of two bags of clothes.....and I have another one started.  I need to do the same with the girls things.  I tend to keep all of their clothes.
  • I'm still waiting for Stacey and Clinton to come to my door and offer my $5,000 for a complete makeover.  They can throw away whatever they want.  Waiting and waiting and waiting..........
  • As much as I don't hate my job....I'm very much going to miss being at home this summer with my girls.  I loved being home with them last summer....being able to set up the pool or the makes me sad.
  • My house is a mess.  We started a rather large project the weekend before we left and we are still working on replacing the molding in the master bedroom.  Still mulling over finishing the basement.  There are clothes EVERYWHERE.  I haven't unpacked our suitcase from our vacation.....and there are summer clothes for the girls all over the floor of the living room.  I need to clean that up.
  • I have off from work on Good Friday an Holy Monday.  I will keep the girls out of daycare on Friday and have a day to myself on Monday.  I'm looking forward to both.

Well, I suppose I should get to work.  I want to discuss my "vacation" in my next post.