Why is this so hard?

I have baby on my brain again.  EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.

I do...it's like an illness.  I held a 4 month old this weekend and ugh....I just want another one so badly.

And then things happen and I wonder if it's really a good idea.

Like...Friday night...we had movie night with the girls.  And we let them stay up late...it was almost 9pm before they went to bed.  And they were tired.  And they whined.  And John got angry.  And G and A disintergrated into tears.  I think this goes back to managing expectations.  What should I expect from G and A at 9pm after a long day of kindergarten with no rest and A with no nap at daycare.  Maybe we need to pick shorter movies.  Personally, I don't think I should expect much from G & A at that time....but we did and it didn't end well.

Something happened last night too.....can't quiet remember....but every time me or hubby looses our temper with the girls...it makes me think that adding another baby to the mix isn't a good idea. 

And that makes me sad.  Very very sad. 

I want the decision made....either way...and i want it made now.  I'm tired of thinking about it.  If it's no...then it's no and we get rid of all the baby stuff in the basement and I move on.

If it's yes, then in two weeks I go back to IVF NJ and start the proceedure to do IVF. 

Why is it so hard?

Managing expectations

I think hubby and I have a difficult time managing/controlling our expectations of G and A.  I mean...they are, after all, only almost 6 and almost 4......and for the most part they aren't really all that bad....but sometimes.they.just.push.all.of.our.buttons.

I'm not even sure that I can give any examples right now.

I mean, kids whine right?  Am I to expect that they won't?  Or that they will stop whining when I ask them not to?

However, when I ask G or A to get dressed, I do fully expect them too.  Same with brushing their teeth.

But many times I think we expect too much from them.  I think we forget they they get tired and hot just like we do....

This post is deteriorating...I had it written in my head days ago and now I've forgotten more of it.

But tell me, how do you manage your expectations of your children?

Random thoughts

• It's 8:53 on Thursday night
• I'm sick and tired of having my period and bleeding for 5 days straight
• Cramps SUCK!!!
• I'm dealing with Grace going to kindergarten very well.  I cry every time I think about it (damn it...there I go again).
• I want to have another baby
• I emailed my brother and I haven't heard from him.  I'm not sure what that means.
• Halloween costumes are outrageously expensive
• I have ALMOST survived my first week of work
• I almost quit my new job yesterday
• I had a MAJOR meltdown last night...epic.....the girls put on a puppet show to try to cheer me up.
• It's 9:05 and Grace is still up.
• I am Uptight and I hate that about me
• For some reason I'm watching Ella Enchanted
• I need to do something different with my hair...it's not working for me any more.
• Why am I watching Ella Enchanted?
• I wish I weren't so uptight
• Good night.

Can't stop crying

I have no idea why I can't stop crying today.  But I can't.  UGH, I'm a mess.

I got the offer for the interview I went on the other day...and I can't turn it down.  I just can't.

But I was hoping to be able to see Grace off to school every morning on the bus and I won't be able to b/c the bus will pick her up at 8:30 and I have to be at work at 8:30...so now she'll have to do the Extended Day Program before and after school and that kills me.  It really does.

I'm crying because I will be working until 5 and then either John or I will have to get the girls and then dinner.......I don't want to go back to that stress again.

But I don't have a choice.

It's change...big change for me all happening at once. 

I hate change.

And I'm crying.

Just when I thought I had this all figured out

Just when I thought I had this all figured out, this "life" thing...ok, well not really all figured out because no one ever has it all figured out...but I was really starting to enjoy the way things were going lately with the girls and all.....things MIGHT up and change.

I say MIGHT because I don't know but you know me, I have to stress about it now.

I had a job interview today for well, a job I don't really want but need.  And rumor (I know the CEO on Facebook) has it, I'm going to get the offer.  I don't know what the "offer" entails, but apparently, I'm going to get it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful but...I was hoping things could stay status quo for a while longer.  But we need the money, I NEED the job...a. job that I really don't want.  And I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that I will get stuck in a job that I don't want/like for another 10 years like my last one.

I'm afraid that I will never figure out what kind of job will actually make me happy and pay me money.

I'm worried about Grace and kindergarten and how she will adjust to not only it but now before and after care.

I've been in a routine lately and I'm scared to change it.


This is change on many different levels and I don't like it.

Starting to get the hang of things

For the past few weeks...things seem to be "coming together".

While it's getting more difficult financially, me not having a job and all, I feel I am becoming a better parent.  I am spending great quality time with my girls and I'm starting to love it.   Don't get me wrong, it's not that I've never loved spending time with them, but I'm really LOVING it. 

When I worked full time, weekends were spent doing laundry, changing sheets, doing things that couldn't be done during the week.  We never had fun.

Now we are and I'm so glad I have the opportunity to do this before Grace starts kindergarten in a few weeks (crap, I'm crying just thinking about it).

I've become a better mom and a better person.  I'm actively working on my patience and I think this has been a good tool for me.  It's not all sunshine and roses every day.....but there has been a lot less yelling from me and a lot more smiles and hugs and kisses.

I'm so blessed to have this opportunity.

thinking out loud

Right now, I am seriously getting pregnant again just so I don't have to deal with my monthly "bill" for the next 10 months.

Kinda puts another tick on the "have another kid" list.