New Years Resolution

The following are my New Years Resolutions

1. To be a better wife to my husband.
2. To be a better mother to my children
3. To try to give up some of my control issues
4.  To have more fun
5. To read more
6. To sew more
7. To take more pictures
8. To smile more

I F'd up......

Let's just say 2010 has not been my year.  I've shared most of what has gone on with you but not all of it....and that's the way it's going to stay but.....I F'd up again yesterday.

I wrote an email to my friend T.  We've been friends since like...forever and well.  In this email...I bitched about my hubby.  I ranted about how he watched the Giants/Eagles game all day....about how I had to keep the girls away from him so they wouldn't bother him........about how he spent two hours working on something and didn't help me put the girls to bed.

Well, that bit my in the @ss.  T wrote back on our joint email account...and hubby opened up the email to see how T was doing and saw my rant.  He was LIVID, FURIOUS....screaming at me.  Told me he was sick and tired of me not giving him credit, that he doesn't trust me anymore.....that he's tired of me being miserable.

And you know what?  He's right.  I immediately left work so we could discuss this before we got the girls.  I apologized....I am sorry, I was sorry.  I'm sorry he read it.....I'm sorry I wrote it.

See, for some reason I tend to look at the negative side of things.  All I can see is the fact that he's home and couldn't make the beds or that the dishwasher is empty and there are dirty dishes sitting in the sink.

I forget to see that while he was watching the game, he was in fact, doing the laundry.  Or that he cleans the cats litter box out and takes the trash out.  I forgot those things.

I did tell him that I appreciated him taking the time to print the pictures out the right way...and making sure that they looked nice....but then I turned and bitched to T that he didn't help me put the girls to bed.  That wasn't fair.

I take my husband for granted and for that I'm sorry.  I take my life for granted.  And for that I'm sorry.

I have this undefinable idea of how my life should be and when it falls short....I get upset.  The important word there is undefinable.  I can't put into words how I think my house should be or my life should be.

But I'm tired of living my life like this.  I'm very lucky.  I have a husband, who despite all the crap we've been thru this year, loves me.  I have two beautiful, healthy little girls.  I have a job. I have a house.  I have a car.  I'm lucky and I'm not appreciating it at all.

There are times when I feel completely unappreciated by my family but if I look more closely, I shouldn't.  No one needs to be swinging from the roof tops singing my praises...the hugs and kisses and occasional grocery store flowers, they should be enough.

I was jealous of my husband for having the time to sit and do nothing on Sunday.  What I'd give for 10 minutes of peace and quiet during the weekend.  Or to be able to sleep past 7am.  I feel that I deserve it...but I don't. 

I am going to therapy.  I guess I still have a lot of things to discuss with my therapist...so I'll be seeing her for a while.

I want to be happy.  I want to be able to look past the unmade beds and the dishes in the sink.  I want to be able to sit and watch tv with my family and not think of the laundry or the million of other little things that need to be done.

I need to start talking about my husband nicer.  That doesn't mean that I won't ever vent about him.  But I shouldn't be venting to my friends.  I should be able to talk to my husband about what is bothering me.

I failed my husband yesterday and I am truly sorry.  I've been selfish a lot lately.  I'm going to try to work on both of those.

I'm a work in progress and hopefully my family is willing to help me.

Maybe I am the problem.

I struggle with many different aspects of myself.

I suffer from anxiety.
I am a control freak.
I have a very difficult asking for help.
I expect a lot from the people around me (but then again, I also feel like I  give a lot).

I've already discussed how seeing a not made bed can send me into a tizzy.
Crumbs on the floor?  WATCH OUT

Right now, I'm starting to wonder if I am the underlying cause of all of my current struggles.

For example, I am having a very difficult time with G.  She's 6 and pushes every.single.button I have.  I just don't know what to do anymore.   I expect that when I ask her to do something I shouldn't have to ask her more than twice.  I expect that, when making a ginger bread house, she won't stick her tongue out and try to lick the icing off of the roof.  I expect that she won't have a problem with the clothes that she puts on.  I mean seriously?  Seams?  Come on. I expect her to get her coat on when asked, go to the bathroom when asked, clean up when asked.

Maybe I am expecting too much.  And then, the bigger question.....how do I know if I am asking too much?  Is the fact that she's NOT doing what I ask an indication that I am asking too much?

I really don't think I'm asking a lot.  It isn't too much to ask for the playroom to be cleaned up is it?
It isn't too much to ask her to brush her teeth is it?

Are my expectations too high?

I mean she's 6...I should be able to expect certain things.

Punishment doesn't seem to work at all.

Maybe I should just take the tv away completely and just use it as a reward.

I don't know... Ireally just don't know anymore.

But I can't do it anymore.  I can't face the struggle every.single.day anymore.

I can't.  It's destroying me.

Or maybe, since it's my behavior, I'm destroying myself..

I don't know.  it just can't go on like this any longer.  No one is happy....and I don't want unhappy little girls. 

Anxiety sucks

I suffer from anxiety.  Recently I've been suffering a lot.  I'm dealing with it RIGHT.NOW.  I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest.  I feel all itchy.  It's been pretty bad lately all because of this crap with my brother.  And I just want it to end.

I'm tired.  I cried a lot last night.  I will probably cry tonight as well.

I'm nervous.  I need to talk to hubby again about a conversation with my brother and sister in law that I had last night and I can't share everything that we spoke about.  Many things were said in anger and maybe (or not) not meant the way they were said.  Had my sister in law not called me back, I might have said F it to Thanksgiving dinner with the family as well.

I am meeting with my therapist tomorrow night and I can't wait.  It's been a while and many things have happened since I last spoke with her.

I have anxiety over other things as well, but the anxiety over the issues with my brother are taking front and center now.

It hurts.  It hurts me physically.  I hurts me emotionally.  It hurt my soul.

Anxiety sucks.

Progress

Today is Friday!  Yeah, happy Friday.  Tomorrow we are having A's 4th birthday party at Build a Bear and then the kids are coming back to our house for pizza and cupcakes.  I have a LOT to do tonight...hope Hubby is up for the challenge.

Wednesday I was down, depressed, in a funk...near tears...you name it.  It was PMS....I could feel it building......but my mom called in the afternoon and I finally told her what was wrong...she could sense something anyways.

I talked to her about my brother.  We yelled, I cursed, I cried.  I slammed my office door.  But we got it out. 

Wednesday night I finally worked up the courage to talk to dear hubby about it.  And ya know what?  It didn't go all that badly.  He still doesn't want to see them....doesn't want to partake in Thanksgiving...however, if my brother and I can talk face to face and I can show to my brother and explain to him how much his words really did hurt and the damage that he did with them....then dear hubby might reconsider.

Hubby said that in hindsight, he's not really surprised by my brother's comments.  That my brother seems to live in a "perfect" world and not many people live up to his standards.  My mother has also told my brother and sister in law that their expectations of others is impossible.

I also asked hubby to join me in my latest counselling session and he agreed.  Yes, I am seeing a counselor....primarily because of this but also to try to deal with my general anxiety issues.

I have sent my brother and email and called him on my cell today requesting to speak to him face to face.  Iguess we'll see what happens.  The ball is in his court now.

I still get very anxious about this situation.  I loose my appetite....break out in hives....all that fun stuff....but I got what I needed to off my chest with my mom and with my hubby.

Thanks.

Have a great weekend.

Kristen

Lost

Do you ever just feel lost?  Like you have no idea where you are going or what you are going?

That's how I feel right now. 

Right now I'm on the verge of tears because I just don't know what to do anymore.

About what?

About everything.  And yes, perhaps I'm being a bit dramatic.

I'm lost on how to deal with G when she's obviously tired from school yet back talks me.  I try to be understanding with her but on the other hand, I will not tolerate balk talk from a 6 year old.

I'm lost on what to do when my temper gets away from me like it did last night and I yelled at the girls and made them cry.  Which then sent me into tears.

I'm lost on how to talk to my husband about the baby thing.

I'm VERY lost on how to talk to my husband about my brother.

I think the brother thing has me very upset right now.  J's reaction to my brother's last email was so ANGRY so almost over the top that I am honestly scared to speak to him about it again.  Scared.  Scared to speak to my husband about my brother because I can not handle that sort of reaction from him again.

Isn't that a bit pathetic?

I took the girls to my niece and nephew's party by myself.  I didn't think it was a big deal, it's not like it's never happened before.  No one asked where J was.

But then my cousin and my sister in law start talking about Christmas and exchanging gifts and my sister in law basically says that maybe we should skip it this year.  So I questioned her about getting together with my mom and us like we usually do and I get an email back from her this morning saying something to this effect "E and I assumed that since J didn't come to the kids party at our house that a smaller setting would be uncomfortable and maybe we should just skip it this year".

Honestly, this makes me sick. Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick.

Why?  Because deep down I am still pissed at my brother.  I'm not necessarily pissed at everything he said, just the way he decided to communicate it.  And the fact that in some cases, he stuck his nose into matters he had no business doing so.

And because of that...he ruined a lot of things.

I'm not perfect.  J isn't, my girls aren't.  But, thank you very much, I don't need my brother sending me an email pointing that sh!t out to me.

I am trying.  I went to the party and felt like I was being watched the entire time.  I think deep down, I will always feel like I am being judged by them.  And that stings. 

Now I know how they truly feel about me and my family.  And it hurts.

There will always be a scar there.  Always.  And it runs deep.

But I am trying.  The fact that Christmas will now change and effect the kids....that hurts.

the fact that I am scared to speak to my husband about how I feel because I don't want to see or deal with his reaction....that hurts.

It still hurts.

And therefore, I am lost.

Friday Fumblings

Yeah!  It's Friday.  It's beautiful here despite the rain we  got this morning.

So, I'm not even really sure why I got my hopes up about being pregnant on my own.  I mean, it just ain't gonna happen.

And hubby and I haven't even made a decision on it yet.  We did have a very good discussion about it last week but no decision has been made...even tho I really want/need to know now.

After speaking with my therapist last night about it, I've come to this conclusion......

My family is perfect and complete right now.  I love my family and I would be happy to keep it just the way it is now. 

HOWEVER, there is room in my heart to welcome another member into this family and if that's what we decide...then I'll be happy.

It's just the waiting...ya know? 

I'm going to be 40 and not that 40 is old.....and I have no problem being 40 and being pregnant but I never saw myself as being 40 and getting pregnant.  Does that even make sense?  And does it really matter?  There are wonderful women out in the world who are 40 and pregnant.  Why can't I be one of them?

Work is going......most days there isn't enough to keep me busy all day, which is frustrating.  But it's a job I can do and my boss is really cool.  He comments on my Facebook postings and yesterday we played Wii Bowling and some Wii baseball.

I'm in the market for a pair of comfortable shoes to wear on the weekends...something I can walk around the mall in or aroun the zoo or whatever.  Bad shoes just suck.  They can ruin your day.  So, I'm looking for a good pair, willing to spend around $75 since I will wear them to death on the weekend.  Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I need a new haircut.  I've decided to let the front grow and keep the back short.  But the front is short that it has been in months and completely layered.  I hate it.  It looks like crap.  And I want it grown out NOW!  Gee, I don't have a problem with patience do I?

I'm trying to convince John that we should slowly start work on the basement.  I think we should get an electrician in to work on the electical panel and then get a quote on how much it would cost to have the basement framed out.  We know we want to finish it....hell, I've already got it planned out in my head...so, let's do it...slowly.

I'd also like to get a quote to find out how much it would cost to have our master bedroom repainted.  I know it's something we can do ourselves but we really just don't have the time.  And the person is an aquaintance so I have no problem leaving him in the house to do it.  then John and I can do the molding ourselves maybe but if the painting could be done....it would help.

I know...a lot of stuff going on.....and in all this mixture, John has a new job and he's still working his old one and it's causing him stress.  Plus, next week he has to go out to PA (about a 2.5 hour drive) and then to KY later in the week.

Well, I should probably get back to work.

Have a nice day.